Things That Do Not Suck: Late Twenties Edition

Good morning, Clint.

It probably is a good morning for you...given the absolute destruction of my Echo Base Tauntauns at the hands of your Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. This just about says it all...

Very sad.

And yet, it is a new day, a new week, and yes, for me, a new year. Which got me thinking about things that have not sucked my entire life (prepare yourself for an overly sentimental post). So here is my top five things that did not suck as I was growing up. Note: things that formerly did not suck...may in fact suck now. Consider yourself warned.

5. Cartoons

I spent a lot of time watching cartoons. Like...a LOT of time. They have informed basically everything about what I think is funny, impossible, and socially acceptable all at the same time. And surprisingly I find that I learned a lot of stuff from cartoons. For instance, opera. I had never even heard opera until the famous "kill da wabbit" routine and the literal adaptation of the "Barber of Seville". Thanks, Bugs. Then there's the literary stuff. Chuck Jones, my cartooning hero, made a couple of really cool adaptations of books & short stories into cartoons. He was the one that did The Phantom Tollbooth and also Rudyard Kipling's Riki Tiki Tavi. Cartoons about books made me want to read the books...which I often did. I also need to give Disney props for making movies that got me into history and legend. The Sword in the Stone is by far my favorite Disney movie...and probably cartoon...of all time. The story of an awkward orphan who becomes a king because he was always destined to be. As a teenager...I loved it. I went out and bought The Once and Future King the minute that I found out that's what it was based on. It's still one of my favorite stories ever. Also...I am fairly certain I understand what irony is because of Wile E. Coyote. SIDE NOTE: Isn't it awesome how youtube has all this stuff?

4. Buffalo Wings

Do I really need to explain that? Wait for it...

...there. Now I'm hungry.

3. Reading Books

Especially good ones. Reading is something that I never really thought I enjoyed any more than the average person...until I got beaten up in the 5th grade for reading something that was not assigned for class in addition to my already present dorkdom and unpopularity(true story).

Lifestyle choice.

However sad and depressing that sounds, it gave me the realization that I did, in fact, like to read. I think it starts with the books themselves. I often find myself in bookstores just kind of wandering around. The smell is the best part...and then I like the feel of pages being flipped through my fingers. Of course, the stuff inside isn't so bad either. What's that? You want to know which books changed my life? Sure, I'd be happy to share that with you.

1. My Name is Asher Lev - Chaim Potok

2. All the Pretty Horses - Cormac McCarthy

3. The Sun Also Rises -Ernest Hemmingway

4. Dead Certainties -Simon Schama

5. Gun, With Occasional Music - Jonathan Lethem

6. Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger (I mean what teenager wasn't changed by that book?)

7. Hatchet - Gary Paulsen

8. Redwall - Brian Jacques

9. Hamlet -William Shakespeare

10. Inferno - Dante Alighieri

I guess the last two are technically a play and poem respectively, but still. Books. YESSSSSS.

2. History (sorry, Clint...had to)

History is amazing. The reason it is amazing is because it is the record of what people can do. Great and terrible. Heroic and villainous. That is earth-shattering to me. Every time I learn something new about the amazing or horrifying things that people do my mind is blown. Now, this is the only way that history works for me. I think that it's the way it should be presented as well. I'm not a fan of those Civil War guys that only know about the "westward flanking move" that "lost the battle of who-gives-rats'-ass". But the story of the freed slaves of the USCT that earned the respect of their white officers and fellow soldiers through sheer bravery and fortitude at the Battle of Nashville...that, my friend, is totally worth hearing! I think that's why things like "Band of Brothers", "Rome", and "The Tudors" have become so popular. It makes history very personal. I think that's important. The thing that makes us who we are is entirely made up of where we've been. This also directs our future, but doesn't predict it. I absolutely hate it when people say that history repeats itself. Ugh. I heard a Kurt Vonnegut quote the other day that I liked: "History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again." Because of the nature of people, we can never repeat the past...we change, society changes...we can do similar things...but the challenges that face us are different. To say that history repeats itself removes the special circumstances surrounding each event. It demeans the event to the point where it's only a date in a history book that can be referenced later for misuse in government policy (i.e. Vietnam on Iraq/Afghanistan)...but I digress...

1. PBS's Educational Programming

I'm fairly certain that PBS is responsible for the fact that I am not a complete moron. From the moment I began watching "Sesame Street" I was being bombarded with words, nouns, numbers, and everything that Preschool was supposed to teach me...but years before I got there. I learned about sweaters and break dancing (yes, break dancing) from Mr. Rogers. I just loved it. And as I got older I started watching things like "Bill Nye: The Science Guy" because science does, in fact, rule. So I guess that's the reason why I love that stuff so much...I mean it was TV that was smart and made you smarter. Why can't TV be like that anymore?

So that's that...enjoy this incredibly long and sentimental list of things that do not suck.

PS-Free buffalo wings on your birthday? That doesn't suck either.

Thing that Suck: After Hours Edition

Good afternoon Tyler,

As you should be fully aware, it's Tuesday. I typically post my things that suck list on Mondays. Well that didn't happen yesterday because of one of my featured thing that sucks... So let's get to the list:


School - Sure, school is good and all that... but it's times like these that I think school just plain sucks. I'm not going to go into detail of all the shit I have to do because I know some wiseass out there will try to one-up me and then they'll make my things that suck list. Actually, let's just take care of that right now.


People who try to one-up me - 'Nuff said.


Bill O'Reilly - I love that when I have hit writer's block for this blog post, I just think of Fox Noise and immediately have someone to add to the list. Bill O'Reilly, you suck. I wouldn't care as much about you if you didn't always claim to be a journalist. You're not a journalist... You're the reason regular people hate journalists.


Blowing Out a Tire - I can testify that this indeed sucks. On my way back to Missouri last week, the tread on my back right tire completely shred off. Luckily this happened at an exit with a Walmart (Walmart is spared from my list because of this) so changing the tire wasn't too much of a hassle. However, I had to get both back tires changed which cost a pretty penny. Actually it cost a lot of pretty pennies. Several thousand in fact.

So that's my list for this week, sorry it's late... And sorry this list actually kind of sucks.

Things That Do Not Suck

Good morning, Clint.

It is my great pleasure to announce my new feature "Things That Do Not Suck" in response to your feature, "Things That Suck". Let's dive right in!

Hank and John Green. Also known as the Vlogbrothers. Famous for their Brotherhood 2.0 vlog series where they decided that they would not communicate with any kind of text for an entire year. Which is kinda cool to watch. Even after they stopped the experiment, they continued to make videos with and for each other. My favorite, of course, involves Star Wars. They actually kind of inspired this whole "let's write a blog with each other thing". Hank writes a blog about environmental issues called Ecogeek and John writes young adult literature that Amber absolutely adores (it really is actually amazing and you should read it). If you are looking for something to read, I recommend "An Abundance of Katherines".

Go. There. Now. I have and do frequently spend most of my time reading the articles that they have posted. There are ones that are fairly normal sounding...like "6 Famous Unsolved Mysteries", but they also have really ridiculous ones like "5 Reasons You Secretly Want A Zombie Apocalypse". My favorites are obviously the historical lists like the most badass presidents in history. They also do Photoshop pictures that are hilarious. Like this...

/div>

Very entertaining. And last, but not least. The Titans.

The game on Sunday solidified an absurd streak that began immediately after Vince Young took over as quarterback. Coincidence? Perhaps. But more likely, the guys just play harder for him. At least I think so. I mean look at this game...the drive that you want to see (you know, the one that won the game) starts at 1:40 on the video. Unbelievable. How does a team with a record that bad play so well? They play for Vince. That's just it.

This concludes my things that do not suck list.

...one more thing that doesn't suck? You, Clint. You don't suck.

Things that Suck (Douche Bag Edition)

Good morning Tyler,

So, I was driving back to Missouri on Saturday and was discussing with my fellow Tiger, Anna Beth, the douche bags that crashed Obama's state dinner last week. We decided that this week's thing that suck list should be a special douche bag edition. So here goes:


Michaele and Tareq Salahi - These are the douche bags that gate crashed the state dinner. I was amazed that these two douche bags had the gall to do this. Not only are they federal-law-breaking douche bags, but they are old-people-abusing-Facebook douche bags. The reason they did this is because they are potential cast members for a new reality show "Desperate Housewives of Washington"... I feel like after this little episode they should change the name to "Desperate Douche Bags" and just have the Salahis as their cast. The lengths that people will go to to be noticed is absolutely disturbing. Speaking of desperate ploys for attention, how about...


Richard and Mayumi Heene - The parents of the "balloon boy" and all around douche bags. They proved within the span of 36 hours that they are two of the biggest douche bags in America, and all on live television! When your child is puking on live television multiple times and giving away your secret desires for fame, you should probably throw in the towel. Just remember that when you have kids Tyler.


Rush Limbaugh - Do I really need to say anything?


Tyler Echols - Yes you Tyler. You know why? Cause I'm pushing out these Things that Suck lists every Monday and you have yet to post anything about Things that Don't Suck. I fear for our readers' well-being. If they're getting all these things that suck thrown at them all the time but never have any happiness to read about, what's that make us look like? I fear we're (mainly me) coming off as pessimistic assholes who don't find happiness in anything except our own sick, twisted words of disgust. So until I see some posts about things that don't suck, you Tyler Echols, will be on my things that DO suck list... No one is safe.

I Tried to Stop Myself...

...but I just couldn't Clint. And for what you are about to receive, forgive me.

*cringes*We never gave Smallpox infected blankets to the indians. And certainly not at the first Thanksgiving (the one in Virginia) or even at the "first" Thanksgiving (the one in Massachusetts)....*cringes again*

The event you are referring to came later. Like a lot later. Like French and Indian War later. And the best news of all? It was the British that did it! After some quick research I even found the dude's name. Lord Jeffrey Amherst - AKA the commanding officer of the British forces in North America at the time. After the F&I War came an event known as Pontiac's Rebellion that involved a lot of dying by both colonists and indians. After the indians tried to take out Fort Pitt in Pennsylvania, the English were supremely pissed off and decided to do something about it...something unethical, horrible, and pretty much genocidal.

The offending party.

So here's the surprisingly helpful website I found that explains this stuff in full. And one gives us one more thing to be thankful about...we didn't do the Smallpox blanket thing. The Trail of Tears, though? Yeah, can't help you there.

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Turkey

Good morning Tyler,


Happy Thanksgiving! Today, we celebrate my favorite holiday. That's right, I said it... Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Now I've had people tell me that Christmas is better because you get the same amount of food and whatnot PLUS presents. I, however, think that though Christmas is a wonderful holiday and tons of fun, the presents are too much of a distraction. Thanksgiving is about eating food, drinking wine, and watching American football. I mean. What holiday is better than that? The food just doesn't taste as good on Christmas cause there is so much else going on, but with Thanksgiving the main event is the food. As we both know, I love food, and my family is particularly good at eating food and drinking wine. My favorite part of the meal is dad's signature smoked lamb. It gets better every year.

And let us not forget the history behind Thanksgiving. When the people with the funny hats gave the tan people with the feathers a bunch of blankets and everyone was happy (and/or dead)! Truly a wonderful time in our American history and something we should always commemorate by eating exorbitant amounts of food.

Things that Suck

Good afternoon Tyler,

As I sit on my couch in Nashville sick and feeling like death is only one more sneeze away, I can only think of one thing to talk about: THINGS THAT SUCK. Here's a well thought out and, I think, pretty damn good list.


The douchebags that sold the rights of Beatles songs to McDonalds and Target - I don't know who owned the rights to "Come Together" "All You Need Is Love" or "Hello Goodbye" when they were sold to McDonalds and Target but whoever made that decision should be drawn and quartered. The main beef I have is that they not only sold these beautiful pieces of music for advertisements; but they allowed the songs to then be rerecorded by generic sounding, cheap musicians who make the songs sound like the everyday 21st century pop music bullshit I try to escape as much as possible (usually by listening to the Beatles). The only commercial I have found featuring a Beatles song that I actually enjoy is a Nike commercial from 1987. It seems like Nike can do no wrong in the advertising department, and you know why? Cause they didn't have some cheap ass band cover the song. Here it is:



Broken zippers - I think this is a pretty standard thing that sucks. A broken zipper literally has no purpose whatsoever. It's incapable of performing the one job it has, and that's why a broken zipper sucks.


Parents who keep their kids on a leash - As much as I dislike children (they smell, they're loud, they punch you in the crotch), those parents that think a leash is the solution to their child's rambunctiousness are even worse. Are you so inept at taking care of your child that you must keep him/her/it on a leash? Like a dog? To all those leash babies out there, fear not you shall be free one day. Once we've solved world hunger and exiled Sarah Palin to the Arctic.


Joe the Plumber - Just to continue my attack on the idiots of America: Joe the Plumber, you suck. I don't think there was a more incompetent person involved in the McCain campaign than you. Wait, I take that back... Somehow I had forgotten about Palin. But seriously man! You started off great, you were very modest and private about what you thought and didn't want to be in the spotlight. Then you got cocky. Campaigning for McCain? I'm pretty sure his strategy for understanding politics was like the above picture. Sitting in a room by himself watching Fox News. Then after the election, you took a job as a "reporter" with a highly conservative online news magazine and accepted a MISSILE from an Israeli leader? Are you really so dense? Yes, and that's why you suck. To further my point, here's Jon Stewart's take:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Joe the Political Strategist
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

I'm going to "unfriend" the Oxford English Dictionary

Good morning, Clint.

Just so you know, "unfriend" is the new word of the year for 2009. This means it's in the dictionary. Seriously.

I guess I have to give it to them for trying to keep up with modern speech. However, what the OED is doing is facilitating the death of the English language. I know, I know. I'm old and this isn't a new complaint. But let me explain the way I feel about this...

I think that the way people speak and the way that they write should be different. There are established rules for the way people write: verbs, nouns, adjectives, punctuation, grammar, etc. There are even words that are appropriate for speech and words that are appropriate for writing. I think that colloquialisms are great. I use them all the time when I'm speaking. However, I think there should be some more formal approach for writing. Even when we're joking around on this blog, we still write correctly and consider grammar seriously. But that's just me.

I guess it's really not that big of a deal. In ten years it will probably be irrelevant and my kids will wonder what "unfriend" means. Ah well...at least they didn't pick "sexting" (even though that was a finalist...no really, it was).

Last year it was "bailout" and the year before it was "subprime". I really do like the word for 2006. "Plutoed": demoted or devalued, as happened to the former planet Pluto. Hilarious.

Things that Suck

Good morning Tyler,

It's that time of the week once again. Lemme tell you a few things that suck:


Sarah Palin - Okay, before I lose all my Republican readers, let's face the facts... Sarah Palin sucks. I mean, if you supported John McCain, you would probably agree that she sucks cause she single-handedly destroyed his campaign. And don't give me that "She fired up the Right Wing" crap. That worked for about a week and then she decided winking and putting "Joe" in front of everything was a good idea. Now she's released a book that doesn't express her political ideals, plans for the future, or any criticism of the current administration... No it's about how the people running the McCain campaign were mean to her. Sarah Palin sucks and I don't think I'll understand anyone that argues against me.


Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - Seriously, how did this guy end up with an acting career? He got his big break with the sequel to The Mummy as a giant CGI'd scorpion... Anyone that starts their film career like that should not still be making movies. I mean, let's just take a look at the illustrious career of Dwayne Johnson: The Mummy Returns, The Scorpion King, The Pacifier, DOOM, The Rundown... Should I go on, or did I already name one of your favorites? I didn't? Hm, shocking. Dwayne Johnson, you suck. Please stop showing up on my TV screen


Rainy days - I'm not sure what the weather is like back in Tennessee (I'm hoping nice cause I'll be back this Friday), but here in Dreary Old Eng-- Columbia, Missouri it's rainy. It seems like it's been a constant barrage of rain since October started. Sure we had a nice week and a half of sun, but once again the rain is back and it's not letting up. Now, I enjoy a rainy day from time to time, but when I have to walk around in the rain all day and when my job depends on clear weather I'm not as a big of a fan.


Roland Emmerich films - Yes, I include Independence Day on the suck list. I'm pretty sure Emmerich sits down before beginning a new film and looks at b-footage from news stations and asks himself, "What can I blow up in my next film?" I'll give him a break, he didn't blow up any historical landmarks in The Patriot, he just covered them in blood. And now his latest film, 2012 is out. I'll just wait until it's on cable TV every three hours for six months at a time... And even then I'll contemplate suicide.

shenanistan.

Good afternoon, Clint. Sorry I've been absent as of late. I'm lazy.

I have been thinking a lot lately about Afghanistan. As I get older, I find it increasingly difficult to decide how I feel about certain political positions and situations worldwide. I think part of that is that I have access to literally any piece of information that I want...whenever I want it...which is something that I know that you have an opinion on, being a journalism dude (which is a conversation for a later date). The information that CNN, the New York Times, Washington Post, NPR, Fox News, Atlantic Monthly, and even the Daily Show and Colbert Report that comes into my world and I have to process my opinion on said issue. It's hard! However, as I am trying to be a responsible citizen, I feel like I need to do that. That said...I think I'm going to try and talk out my feelings on Afghanistan...or Shenanistan as I like to think of it.

This will be in parts so that I can organize my thoughts better:

1.) The whole idea that Afghanistan has never been conquered and therefore any attempt at fighting there is futile: That's just ridiculous. The problem is not that Afghanistan is some invincible force of geography and insurgency. In fact, part of the problem is that the country continually changed hands for centuries. Alexander the Great named one of the cities there after his horse, for Pete's sake! The Persians, the Turks and Mongols all made their own forays into the country...and let's not forget the multitude of tribes that are constantly destroying each other for the sheep grazing land (not really even a joke there...). Obviously, people remember the doomed expedition that the Soviets attempted and use that as their example. However, I would like to remind everyone, not that you needed reminding, the US

helped the Afghans out considerably... monetarily and materially speaking. So...it's not

impossible. Certainly not easy or even a good idea...I mean what was the line from "The Princess Bride"? "Mawage..." No, not that one..."Never get involved in a land war in Asia." Yeah, nobody

pays attention to that...moving on.

Also something about games involving a Sicilian and death...

2.) Should we even be there: While I am not really all that excited about deploying troops anywhere, Afghanistan has always made more sense to me than Iraq did. I think that the most clear and present danger to the United States is coming from Afghanistan and the area surrounding it (read: border with Pakistan). The enemy is there. That's what the intelligence tells us, that's what the evidence tells us. And even if we are missing them, the poppies being grown and sold from Afghanistan are a major source of revenue for the insurgencies that we are

trying to defeat. So...yeah. We need to be there.

3.) The Afghan government: What a mess. The corruption and distrust that the government of that country allows is ridiculous. It would be impossible to do anything constructive there as long as it continues. I heard Hamid Karzai on NPR the other day saying that blame for the

corruption should be shared with the west. Really? I mean, I'm sure there's an issue with that. But get your house in order, man. I'm not a world leader and I know it's not easy...however, it's one of those things that is keeping Afghanistan from doing anything. Literally anything. When the people don't trust their own government, you're begging for a revolution. Thomas Hobbes describes what's called the "social contract" in The Leviathan. In short, people have the rights to everything...which makes "war" man's natural state. We have to give up some rights to a

government in order to achieve peace. But if you do not trust a government, then you would not give up those rights. So why should the Afghans work with the government? They can't trust the government! That has to happen before any progress can...well...progress!

I think that I'd give up my rights to a giant with a sword...probably...

4.) The troop surge question: It is not an issue of whether or not we should have a troop surge. It is a question of strategy and what we are trying to accomplish in Afghanistan. And I think people need to keep that in mind when they hear that Gen. McChrystal wants more troops. He has been given orders to complete a mission in Afghanistan. As I understand that

mission, it is to halt the Taliban, pursue Al Qaeda until they no longer have a safe haven, and help to stabilize the government. The way that he sees as the best way to do that, is going to involve more troops. This is because he feels that making the citizens of Afghanistan feel safe, makes them want to fight against those that are destroying that peace. And when those guys are the Taliban, then suddenly you have Afghans fighting against the bad guys. Again, you have to trust the government first...and if the government can't protect you, then how can you trust them? But do we really need more troops to achieve this goal? I might have to agree with Gen. McChrystal. However, if we are talking about a different goal...or if we change our strategy then the troop surge may not be necessary. Which leads me to my next section...

5.) Obama's (In)decision: I'm not going to sit here and say that he has to go with his General. I'm also not going to sit here and say that he would be a fool to listen to the "war mongering" of his military leadership and conservative War Hawks (War of 1812 reference: check

.). All I'm saying is make a decision. It's been 3 months. 3 months. Wow.

Sun Tsu's The Art of War talks a lot about how being thoughtful and organized will lead to success in war. So I'm certainly not upset with the consideration that he is putting in. However, in the same work, Sun Tsu states "Thus, though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays." So I appreciate the time he is spending...but American soldiers are dying and the leadership is just waiting for orders.

Look at that beard...that beard conquered nations...

So...there you go. My first serious post.

Tadaaaa.

Things that Suck

Good afternoon Tyler,

I'm glad we decided that this should be a weekly post, cause I've got one DOOZY of a post for you. Let's just cut to the chase yeah? Things that suck, list #2:


People that abuse social networking sites - Not to name any specific persons, but I have several in mind as I type this (Not you Austin). Let's just take a step back and look at what the Internet has become: a user-based, self-gratifying, orgy of pixels fashioned out to look like real life. The problem is that a lot of people don't realize that the Internet is not real life. Side note: do you have a problem with 'Internet' officially being a capitalized word, but 'real life' not? The people that abuse social networking sites don't see the line between reality and virtual reality. I'll admit, I will engage in political/social debates on Facebook and/or Twitter, but I typically try to avoid starting political/social debates. Everyone has an opinion and everyone's opinion can be easily misconstrued via text, and obviously inflection cannot be communicated properly. Sure, post articles, state your opinion there, that's more justifiable (Glenn that was me defending you), but the moment you say something completely irrational and unsupported you're asking for trouble. And that's why you suck.


24 hour broadcast news stations - Now, I'm not knocking local news reporters or all broadcast journalists... But I am knocking CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. By now, you should know my extreme hatred for everything Fox News, but that hatred is (almost) just as strong for CNN and MSNBC. I'll admit right now, I enjoy the liberal ramblings of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow (secret lesbian love of my life), but the other 22 hours of television that MSNBC provides is absolutely disgusting. Take the "balloon boy" scandal for instance. The MSNBC reporters were claiming that the family was "weird" because they believed in UFOs and utilized psychics. That's called libel. That reporter was also reporting the incident with a complete bias by saying that. It's unfair to that family (though they are complete assholes also) and it's bad journalism. And CNN? If there were ever a newsroom full of melodramatic megalomaniacs, CNN would be the definition. Holy shit they suck.


Those FreeCreditReport.com guys - I detest violence and hate guns more than CNN, but God help me, if I had a gun I would murder those three guys. It's not only that the songs are annoying and they are the ugliest human beings on the face of the planet, but it's that the commercials are so poorly edited. Because I can immediately tell the commercial was horribly edited, I hate them more (not the editor, he can live). They suck and I dare you to challenge me.


Biff Tannen - This time traveling bully will not give Marty McFly a break! Gah! He was a bully to Marty's dad, a bully to Marty, and even a bully to Marty's kids! What gives Tannen? Probably just bad genes. All I know is this guy should make like a tree and get outta here!

Things That Suck

Hello Tyler,

I've been thinking about this for a few days (actually for about 3 minutes but it sounds better if I say a few days) so I think my opinion is completely well thought out. Now, I'm a very tolerant person and am pretty accepting of different cultures, ideologies, theologies, and Ryan Adams's constantly changing hairstyles. However, there are a few things I do not like. I'm pretty sure this list will hit home for a lot of folks, but I'm also pretty sure this list will piss off a lot of people. Here it is, my things-that-suck list:


Nickelback - I don't think I need to go into great detail on this one. I mean it's Nickelback. This band is the reason why frat brothers have never heard of bands like Pixies or Wilco, and I'm pretty sure they're the reason teen pregnancies in abstinence-only cultures have increased (I hear Sarah Palin loves Nickelback).


Seth MacFarlane - Now hear me out, I enjoy Family Guy and am actually watching it right now as I type this out. But Seth MacFarlane is a first class douchebag. Sure he has funny jokes and Stewie is hilarious, but his monopoly over the Fox network (which isn't saying much, I might add) is ridiculous. The only reason he is successful is because of the Simpsons and now I hear people saying that Family Guy is better than The Simpsons! This is simply absurd. And let's not forget how often MacFarlane rails on Fox for their shitty programming. SUNDAY NIGHT IS SETH MACFARLANE NIGHT. The douchebag has his own "almost live" sketch show now... You are your own pathetically cynical joke, sir.


Tea Partiers - Let's not pussyfoot around here: tea partiers are idiots. Now I don't mean everyone who believes in protesting the current administration, I mean the people who show up to these protests with signs like "Jesus is our king" and "Obama is a socialist fascist". Not only are their personal theological beliefs and political ideals desperately confused, they are inspired by Glenn Beck. Which leads me to my next thing that sucks...


Glenn Beck - This American disgrace was actually arguing on his CNN program a few years ago that the American health care system was in absolute shambles. But when he gets a program on Fox Noise, all of a sudden he is anti everything-except-white-rich-people. Tea partiers are eating up every word Glenn Beck says, and that is why they (and Glenn Beck) suck.


Snuggies - I'm starting to believe the government really does lace our tap water with something because snuggies are actually becoming accepted by the masses. Snuggie owner: DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE WEARING? You literally look like you are one cup of kool-aid away from being taken back up to the mothership. "But Clint, they're so... so... SNUGGLY!" My response to that is my recent conversation with a snuggie owner:
Snuggie owner, "But what am I supposed to do when I'm cold?"
Me, "Get a blanket!"
Snuggie owner, "But then if I want to get up I'll be cold!"
Me, "Boo - friggin - hoo. Grow a pair and get up like the entire history of mankind has done."
I just hope that our culture realizes how ridiculous snuggies are and I hope they realize it soon. Snuggies will undoubtedly be on VH1's "I love the '00s" and everyone will laugh at how stupid people in snuggies looked.

Thus concludes my first series of things that suck. I hope you enjoyed/were offended.

Steampunk!? What the hell is that!?

Happy Halloween, Clint.

Steampunk. I mean, honestly, I have no time for more social groups/genres! It was hard enough in high school to get all this stuff straight. Goth, emo, jock, prep, nerd, punk, stoner, mallrat, etc. All groups/genres I am familiar with. I understand that when you describe someone as "preppy" there will most likely be J. Crew involved (no problems with J. Crew though...corporate sponsor? no? okay, moving on...). However, at some point, these groups began to change. There was the emergence of the "nerdcore" movement. I still have no idea what that means, but I imagine that it looks something like the members of the band Harry and the Potters...or Napoleon Dynamite. Really, I guess I should have known that there would be newer and weirder groups to arise. Like the mythical hydra...remove one head, two spring up in its place.

I don't know what's more scary, the hydra or the tiny piece of cloth that stands between us and Hercules' "labors".

However, "steampunk" fascinates me. Firstly, because I hadn't heard of it until tonight, and secondly, because people are so into it. But what is "steampunk"? Like all children whose parents wanted them to be literate and therefore actually told them what a dictionary is and how to use it, I looked it up...on urbandictionary.com.

" 1. Steampunk is a subgenre of speculative fiction, usually set in an anachronistic Victorian or quasi-Victorian alternate history setting. It could be described by the slogan "What the past would look like if the future had happened sooner." It includes fiction with science fiction, fantasy or horror themes.

Medieval Steampunk: Speculative fiction set during the Middle Ages.
Victorian Steampunk: A modern Science Fiction work (post-1930s) that is set in the early parts of the industrial revolution.

Western Steampunk: Science fiction set in the American Old West.
Industrial/Modern Steampunk: Science fiction taking place in the late industrial age, early modern age; i.e. World War 1, World War 2

2. A lifestyle choice, wherein the participants embrace deliberate anachronism and quasi-anachronism as seen in steampunk fiction. Often characterized by modifying one's electronic gadgets to make them look a century out-of-date."

Thank you, urbandictionary.com. The idea is almost awesome. Why, yes, I do like to imagine that I'm a space cowboy...or even just living in an 19th century England that knew leaches were not good for you when you're sick. However, it gets a little more interesting when you read that second definition: "A lifestyle choice...embrace deliberate anachronism...make [gadgets] look a century out-of-date." ...WHAT!? I should say that the note after this definition said that there was a clear separation from "steampunk" and reenactors...mostly because reenactors have jobs. I'm kidding...reenactors don't have jobs. (haHA!)

Now, I'm really not sure that I'm against this (again, space cowboy). I mean, who doesn't love Firefly? Obviously you couldn't do this all the time, but I guess it's kinda like LARPing with a gun that is made out of clock parts. And honestly? It looks kinda cool...I mean, I totally would have been friends with these kids in high school (and probably now too...let's just get real with ourselves here). The thing that really gets me interested in this whole thing is the steampunk Star Wars movement. I mean, c'mon, you know how I feel about Star Wars.

I'm getting this tattooed on my back as we speak.

So I guess I should say that I'm sold. I mean, I'm not going to be donning a top hat and monocle, whilst hunting evil robots anytime soon. Let's look at what a nerdy young person could be doing: D&D? LARPing? World of Warcraft? All very much on the fringe...all kinda frowned upon by regular society. However, of all the things that are weird and out there...this one speaks to me. I mean...if I can mix Blade Runner and Rio Bravo how is that not awesome!? Yeah I can't think of any way either! So let's give the steampunks a chance...

PS - If you want more star wars steampunk stuff...look at Marcel E. Mercado's blog...That's where I got the cool Luke print.

All Hallow's (paganevilsatanisticbloody) Eve

Hello Tyler,

I'm not sure what the weather is like in Tennessee, but here in God's Country it's been abysmal (endlessly rainy). I suppose it's only good preparation for my semester in Dublin. I find the weather, as well as the approaching (evil and satanic) holiday fitting to the subject of my post however. I have become obsessed with scary movies.

As you know, my home in Tennessee is literally in the middle of the woods and looks like the setting for every single horror film ever made. Distant neighbors, dilapidated shacks, blood sucking vampires, it's got everything! So for the past 21 years of my life, I've never even come close to watching scary movies. The only "scary" movie I watched when I was a kid was Scream and that was because it was playing at a friend's house (in childhood, that's a scary movie). It wasn't until last Halloween that I actually began to embrace scary movies. I watched The Shining and fell in love. Not only did that film cement my love affair with Stanley Kubrick films, but it also put the thought in my head that maybe this whole scary movie thing ain't such a bad gig.

The other major contributor to my new obsession is my Folklore in Film class. That's right, I'm in a class that talks about urban legends and then we watch movies about zombies, ghosts and birthing the child of Satan (Rosemary's Baby). So this evening, I rented the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the remake of The Hills Have Eyes (having watched the original two nights ago). As of right now, my obsession with scary films is going strong, however, I'm thinking the true test of my fascination will be over Thanksgiving break when I return home and have to walk from my car to the front door in the middle of the night.

On another note, what are you doing for Halloween? I'm not sure yet, but I'm sure it will be something debaucherous and condemned in the eyes of Pat Robertson. Hey! Maybe I should be Pat Robertson? No... Too scary.

No Pants Tweets, Harrison Ford, and Nathan Fillion

Good evening, Clint.

I thought I would start with something for you, since the rest of this post will probably not really interest you at all. What, pray tell, is a "no pants tweet"? Is it just a tweet that was made in which you have no pants on? Can you be wearing shorts and make a "npt"? Can you call it a "npt"? I have questions. Well if it is, in fact, just a tweet in which you are sans pantalons...then this is a no pants blog post (npbp). You're welcome.

Can you imagine what it must be like to be Harrison Ford? You have played the President of the United States that kicks terrorists' asses, an adventure seeking archaeologist who has discovered the two greatest Judea-Christian artifacts that (may or may not have) ever existed, and, of course, a fortune-seeking smuggler with a heart of gold that was instrumental in toppling an evil and tyrannical empire (TWICE!). You're a bad ass. Bad. Ass.

BADDEST. ASS.

Finally, Nathan Fillion. Nathan Fillion is the best thing that has ever come out of Canada. EVER. I'm serious. I have now watched him in two different shows (Firefly and Castle) and also Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and the dude is just incredible. Anyway...enough gushing. Go watch the shows.

Like I said...funny.

I should probably say that I was originally going to talk about Joss Whedon...but I found this instead. I think that it probably sums up what watching Whedon shows is really like. Yeesh.

I think that this should probably do something to find out what kind of people read the blog...NERDFIGHTERS!

...huh?

...anybody?

...no?

Good talk.

A Tie? What are we European?

Good evening Tyler,

I promise my next post will not pertain to sports, but this one most certainly does. From the look of your team's performance, you are probably not in the best of moods to talk about fantasy football (Jeff killed you). I don't know if you've checked the league scoreboard, but my game against my good friend Stephen (known in our fantasy league as STL Rolodexes) has come to a bit of a stalemate.



As you can see from the screen capture above... It's a dead tie. I was trailing by a solid 30 points this morning, but after tonight's Philadelphia/Washington game, we're at a standstill. Let's just say, both of us are less than pleased. I need this win to take a commanding lead in first place (with the win I will be 5-2). Steve needs the win because well... His team sucks (sorry man). Call me ignorant or call me Donovan McNabb, but can you actually tie in fantasy football? To me, it just seems counterproductive to the whole idea of winning. I understand it in soccer and cherish that sport, but in American football? We play for keeps. I suppose the predictions box was actually true this time:



Just for my own sake, I'm going to rub it in Steve's face that he could have easily won this game:



As you can see, Steve should have played Vernon Davis instead of Tony Gonzalez. If he had done that he would have destroyed my team yesterday! Shame Steve... Real shame.

I'm hoping that this situation will right itself tomorrow morning when final points are decided, but if this game turns out to be a tie, I am going to be thoroughly pissed.

A Titanic Season Boys!

Good morning Tyler,

I haven't been up this early on a Friday in quite some time. As I sit in a lovely little cafe and enjoy my breakfast burrito and coffee (don't judge me), I can only think of one thing to blog about: where the hell did the Tennessee Titans go and who is wearing their uniforms on Sundays now? I mean seriously! 0-6? ZERO AND SIX?

Of course I guess it's only fair, this time last year we were 6-0 and were wondering, "Where the hell did the Tennessee Titans go and who is wearing their uniforms on Sundays now". But this time it just sucks. I wasn't terribly upset with the loss to the Steelers because technically we should have won and the overtime system in the NFL is a load of bullshit. Week 2, however, left me in complete shock. The Texans?! Is this a cruel joke? I was able to bounce back from that game because we do have the eventual slip up against them. I wasn't confident about the Jets game because I think Mark Sanchez is going to be a legendary quarterback and he's already proving me right. Then we had the Jaguars... I mean come on! It's the freaking Jacksonville Jaguars! They've dominated us like the jaguar population has dominated the greater Jacksonville metropolitan area! After that game, I am not ashamed to admit that my Titans jersey was stowed away in my under-the-bed-stow-away-device (I really wanted to say "stow away"). After 4 weeks of nothing but abysmal football playing, I honestly expected nothing from weeks 5 and 6 (Colts and Pats). And that's literally what I got from the Pats game... Nothing. Zero points scored.

At least for the first 5 weeks I was able to lightly push it off because the Chiefs still didn't have a win, but even they won! Now I can't even relate to my Chiefs friends, and I most certainly shall not associate with Rams fans. I refuse to drink that kool-aid. What surprises me even more is that the Washington Redskins head coach, Jim Zorn, is under more pressure from his general manager than any of our coaching staff for losing 4 games. At least you've won a couple games! Count your blessings Vinny Cerrato... COUNT THEM.

And so I go about my days here in Missouri, shyly admitting that I am a Titans fan. Last year? I was a proud Titans fan who could shove off any Rams fan's joke about the 34th Superbowl, but look at me now. Awake before noon and blogging in a cafe about the woes of being a sports fan from Nashville. The world is a cruel, cruel lover Tyler. And if there is one thing I want you to remember me saying, it is definitely that last sentence.


LenDale White, apparently in confusion, ran out onto the field yelling for the ball to be thrown to him. White showed up in full gear on a Thursday morning at the Indianapolis Colts's football stadium... This Sunday's game is in Nashville

STOLE YO COOKIES!!!

Good morning, Clint.

So...I was in the teacher workroom a moment ago. Often they have food out to be eaten by the teachers. This is usually a gift from a parent or one of the other teachers. Now as I look at this plate of cookies, I am confronted with a dilemma: How many do I take?

This is something that has always bothered me. The food is, most of the time, delicious. And I guess it should be noted that I usually have several cups of coffee for breakfast every morning. So come 3rd period (my planning period), I am starving! This is not just something limited to workroom cookies, though. This extends to basically anytime that someone offers you something.

For example, a paraphrased conversation between Amber and I at a wedding...

"That was really good..."

"Yeah, I know...I've never had that kind of BBQ before..."

"Really? Wow..."

"Yeah"

"..."

"..."

"...do you think we can get seconds?"

Do you see the problem? Something that is laid out for you, but the collective you...not just you personally. You're expected to take something from that plate or that bowl or whatever...it's almost an insult if you do not! I mean how would that parent/teacher feel if the cookies were all still there at the end of the day? But the issue is the line betwixt the grateful and the gluttonous (kinda like "the fast and the furious"...did you see what I did there? I know, I'm awesome). I don't want to be the guy that turns into Cookie Monster anytime anyone puts food out in the work room.

...that's good enough for me.

So, what's the rule on this? I'm going to call Raina this evening...but until then, I asked my 8th graders. Some choice quotes:

"Why does it matter...nobody knows who took the cookies..."

"Well why would you care about being polite..."

"Just leave one...why are you looking at me like that?"

...yeah.

So anyway, I just took two.

So yeah...I took two.