Things that Suck (Douche Bag Edition)

Good morning Tyler,

So, I was driving back to Missouri on Saturday and was discussing with my fellow Tiger, Anna Beth, the douche bags that crashed Obama's state dinner last week. We decided that this week's thing that suck list should be a special douche bag edition. So here goes:


Michaele and Tareq Salahi - These are the douche bags that gate crashed the state dinner. I was amazed that these two douche bags had the gall to do this. Not only are they federal-law-breaking douche bags, but they are old-people-abusing-Facebook douche bags. The reason they did this is because they are potential cast members for a new reality show "Desperate Housewives of Washington"... I feel like after this little episode they should change the name to "Desperate Douche Bags" and just have the Salahis as their cast. The lengths that people will go to to be noticed is absolutely disturbing. Speaking of desperate ploys for attention, how about...


Richard and Mayumi Heene - The parents of the "balloon boy" and all around douche bags. They proved within the span of 36 hours that they are two of the biggest douche bags in America, and all on live television! When your child is puking on live television multiple times and giving away your secret desires for fame, you should probably throw in the towel. Just remember that when you have kids Tyler.


Rush Limbaugh - Do I really need to say anything?


Tyler Echols - Yes you Tyler. You know why? Cause I'm pushing out these Things that Suck lists every Monday and you have yet to post anything about Things that Don't Suck. I fear for our readers' well-being. If they're getting all these things that suck thrown at them all the time but never have any happiness to read about, what's that make us look like? I fear we're (mainly me) coming off as pessimistic assholes who don't find happiness in anything except our own sick, twisted words of disgust. So until I see some posts about things that don't suck, you Tyler Echols, will be on my things that DO suck list... No one is safe.

I Tried to Stop Myself...

...but I just couldn't Clint. And for what you are about to receive, forgive me.

*cringes*We never gave Smallpox infected blankets to the indians. And certainly not at the first Thanksgiving (the one in Virginia) or even at the "first" Thanksgiving (the one in Massachusetts)....*cringes again*

The event you are referring to came later. Like a lot later. Like French and Indian War later. And the best news of all? It was the British that did it! After some quick research I even found the dude's name. Lord Jeffrey Amherst - AKA the commanding officer of the British forces in North America at the time. After the F&I War came an event known as Pontiac's Rebellion that involved a lot of dying by both colonists and indians. After the indians tried to take out Fort Pitt in Pennsylvania, the English were supremely pissed off and decided to do something about it...something unethical, horrible, and pretty much genocidal.

The offending party.

So here's the surprisingly helpful website I found that explains this stuff in full. And one gives us one more thing to be thankful about...we didn't do the Smallpox blanket thing. The Trail of Tears, though? Yeah, can't help you there.

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Turkey

Good morning Tyler,


Happy Thanksgiving! Today, we celebrate my favorite holiday. That's right, I said it... Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Now I've had people tell me that Christmas is better because you get the same amount of food and whatnot PLUS presents. I, however, think that though Christmas is a wonderful holiday and tons of fun, the presents are too much of a distraction. Thanksgiving is about eating food, drinking wine, and watching American football. I mean. What holiday is better than that? The food just doesn't taste as good on Christmas cause there is so much else going on, but with Thanksgiving the main event is the food. As we both know, I love food, and my family is particularly good at eating food and drinking wine. My favorite part of the meal is dad's signature smoked lamb. It gets better every year.

And let us not forget the history behind Thanksgiving. When the people with the funny hats gave the tan people with the feathers a bunch of blankets and everyone was happy (and/or dead)! Truly a wonderful time in our American history and something we should always commemorate by eating exorbitant amounts of food.

Things that Suck

Good afternoon Tyler,

As I sit on my couch in Nashville sick and feeling like death is only one more sneeze away, I can only think of one thing to talk about: THINGS THAT SUCK. Here's a well thought out and, I think, pretty damn good list.


The douchebags that sold the rights of Beatles songs to McDonalds and Target - I don't know who owned the rights to "Come Together" "All You Need Is Love" or "Hello Goodbye" when they were sold to McDonalds and Target but whoever made that decision should be drawn and quartered. The main beef I have is that they not only sold these beautiful pieces of music for advertisements; but they allowed the songs to then be rerecorded by generic sounding, cheap musicians who make the songs sound like the everyday 21st century pop music bullshit I try to escape as much as possible (usually by listening to the Beatles). The only commercial I have found featuring a Beatles song that I actually enjoy is a Nike commercial from 1987. It seems like Nike can do no wrong in the advertising department, and you know why? Cause they didn't have some cheap ass band cover the song. Here it is:



Broken zippers - I think this is a pretty standard thing that sucks. A broken zipper literally has no purpose whatsoever. It's incapable of performing the one job it has, and that's why a broken zipper sucks.


Parents who keep their kids on a leash - As much as I dislike children (they smell, they're loud, they punch you in the crotch), those parents that think a leash is the solution to their child's rambunctiousness are even worse. Are you so inept at taking care of your child that you must keep him/her/it on a leash? Like a dog? To all those leash babies out there, fear not you shall be free one day. Once we've solved world hunger and exiled Sarah Palin to the Arctic.


Joe the Plumber - Just to continue my attack on the idiots of America: Joe the Plumber, you suck. I don't think there was a more incompetent person involved in the McCain campaign than you. Wait, I take that back... Somehow I had forgotten about Palin. But seriously man! You started off great, you were very modest and private about what you thought and didn't want to be in the spotlight. Then you got cocky. Campaigning for McCain? I'm pretty sure his strategy for understanding politics was like the above picture. Sitting in a room by himself watching Fox News. Then after the election, you took a job as a "reporter" with a highly conservative online news magazine and accepted a MISSILE from an Israeli leader? Are you really so dense? Yes, and that's why you suck. To further my point, here's Jon Stewart's take:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Joe the Political Strategist
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

I'm going to "unfriend" the Oxford English Dictionary

Good morning, Clint.

Just so you know, "unfriend" is the new word of the year for 2009. This means it's in the dictionary. Seriously.

I guess I have to give it to them for trying to keep up with modern speech. However, what the OED is doing is facilitating the death of the English language. I know, I know. I'm old and this isn't a new complaint. But let me explain the way I feel about this...

I think that the way people speak and the way that they write should be different. There are established rules for the way people write: verbs, nouns, adjectives, punctuation, grammar, etc. There are even words that are appropriate for speech and words that are appropriate for writing. I think that colloquialisms are great. I use them all the time when I'm speaking. However, I think there should be some more formal approach for writing. Even when we're joking around on this blog, we still write correctly and consider grammar seriously. But that's just me.

I guess it's really not that big of a deal. In ten years it will probably be irrelevant and my kids will wonder what "unfriend" means. Ah well...at least they didn't pick "sexting" (even though that was a finalist...no really, it was).

Last year it was "bailout" and the year before it was "subprime". I really do like the word for 2006. "Plutoed": demoted or devalued, as happened to the former planet Pluto. Hilarious.

Things that Suck

Good morning Tyler,

It's that time of the week once again. Lemme tell you a few things that suck:


Sarah Palin - Okay, before I lose all my Republican readers, let's face the facts... Sarah Palin sucks. I mean, if you supported John McCain, you would probably agree that she sucks cause she single-handedly destroyed his campaign. And don't give me that "She fired up the Right Wing" crap. That worked for about a week and then she decided winking and putting "Joe" in front of everything was a good idea. Now she's released a book that doesn't express her political ideals, plans for the future, or any criticism of the current administration... No it's about how the people running the McCain campaign were mean to her. Sarah Palin sucks and I don't think I'll understand anyone that argues against me.


Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - Seriously, how did this guy end up with an acting career? He got his big break with the sequel to The Mummy as a giant CGI'd scorpion... Anyone that starts their film career like that should not still be making movies. I mean, let's just take a look at the illustrious career of Dwayne Johnson: The Mummy Returns, The Scorpion King, The Pacifier, DOOM, The Rundown... Should I go on, or did I already name one of your favorites? I didn't? Hm, shocking. Dwayne Johnson, you suck. Please stop showing up on my TV screen


Rainy days - I'm not sure what the weather is like back in Tennessee (I'm hoping nice cause I'll be back this Friday), but here in Dreary Old Eng-- Columbia, Missouri it's rainy. It seems like it's been a constant barrage of rain since October started. Sure we had a nice week and a half of sun, but once again the rain is back and it's not letting up. Now, I enjoy a rainy day from time to time, but when I have to walk around in the rain all day and when my job depends on clear weather I'm not as a big of a fan.


Roland Emmerich films - Yes, I include Independence Day on the suck list. I'm pretty sure Emmerich sits down before beginning a new film and looks at b-footage from news stations and asks himself, "What can I blow up in my next film?" I'll give him a break, he didn't blow up any historical landmarks in The Patriot, he just covered them in blood. And now his latest film, 2012 is out. I'll just wait until it's on cable TV every three hours for six months at a time... And even then I'll contemplate suicide.

shenanistan.

Good afternoon, Clint. Sorry I've been absent as of late. I'm lazy.

I have been thinking a lot lately about Afghanistan. As I get older, I find it increasingly difficult to decide how I feel about certain political positions and situations worldwide. I think part of that is that I have access to literally any piece of information that I want...whenever I want it...which is something that I know that you have an opinion on, being a journalism dude (which is a conversation for a later date). The information that CNN, the New York Times, Washington Post, NPR, Fox News, Atlantic Monthly, and even the Daily Show and Colbert Report that comes into my world and I have to process my opinion on said issue. It's hard! However, as I am trying to be a responsible citizen, I feel like I need to do that. That said...I think I'm going to try and talk out my feelings on Afghanistan...or Shenanistan as I like to think of it.

This will be in parts so that I can organize my thoughts better:

1.) The whole idea that Afghanistan has never been conquered and therefore any attempt at fighting there is futile: That's just ridiculous. The problem is not that Afghanistan is some invincible force of geography and insurgency. In fact, part of the problem is that the country continually changed hands for centuries. Alexander the Great named one of the cities there after his horse, for Pete's sake! The Persians, the Turks and Mongols all made their own forays into the country...and let's not forget the multitude of tribes that are constantly destroying each other for the sheep grazing land (not really even a joke there...). Obviously, people remember the doomed expedition that the Soviets attempted and use that as their example. However, I would like to remind everyone, not that you needed reminding, the US

helped the Afghans out considerably... monetarily and materially speaking. So...it's not

impossible. Certainly not easy or even a good idea...I mean what was the line from "The Princess Bride"? "Mawage..." No, not that one..."Never get involved in a land war in Asia." Yeah, nobody

pays attention to that...moving on.

Also something about games involving a Sicilian and death...

2.) Should we even be there: While I am not really all that excited about deploying troops anywhere, Afghanistan has always made more sense to me than Iraq did. I think that the most clear and present danger to the United States is coming from Afghanistan and the area surrounding it (read: border with Pakistan). The enemy is there. That's what the intelligence tells us, that's what the evidence tells us. And even if we are missing them, the poppies being grown and sold from Afghanistan are a major source of revenue for the insurgencies that we are

trying to defeat. So...yeah. We need to be there.

3.) The Afghan government: What a mess. The corruption and distrust that the government of that country allows is ridiculous. It would be impossible to do anything constructive there as long as it continues. I heard Hamid Karzai on NPR the other day saying that blame for the

corruption should be shared with the west. Really? I mean, I'm sure there's an issue with that. But get your house in order, man. I'm not a world leader and I know it's not easy...however, it's one of those things that is keeping Afghanistan from doing anything. Literally anything. When the people don't trust their own government, you're begging for a revolution. Thomas Hobbes describes what's called the "social contract" in The Leviathan. In short, people have the rights to everything...which makes "war" man's natural state. We have to give up some rights to a

government in order to achieve peace. But if you do not trust a government, then you would not give up those rights. So why should the Afghans work with the government? They can't trust the government! That has to happen before any progress can...well...progress!

I think that I'd give up my rights to a giant with a sword...probably...

4.) The troop surge question: It is not an issue of whether or not we should have a troop surge. It is a question of strategy and what we are trying to accomplish in Afghanistan. And I think people need to keep that in mind when they hear that Gen. McChrystal wants more troops. He has been given orders to complete a mission in Afghanistan. As I understand that

mission, it is to halt the Taliban, pursue Al Qaeda until they no longer have a safe haven, and help to stabilize the government. The way that he sees as the best way to do that, is going to involve more troops. This is because he feels that making the citizens of Afghanistan feel safe, makes them want to fight against those that are destroying that peace. And when those guys are the Taliban, then suddenly you have Afghans fighting against the bad guys. Again, you have to trust the government first...and if the government can't protect you, then how can you trust them? But do we really need more troops to achieve this goal? I might have to agree with Gen. McChrystal. However, if we are talking about a different goal...or if we change our strategy then the troop surge may not be necessary. Which leads me to my next section...

5.) Obama's (In)decision: I'm not going to sit here and say that he has to go with his General. I'm also not going to sit here and say that he would be a fool to listen to the "war mongering" of his military leadership and conservative War Hawks (War of 1812 reference: check

.). All I'm saying is make a decision. It's been 3 months. 3 months. Wow.

Sun Tsu's The Art of War talks a lot about how being thoughtful and organized will lead to success in war. So I'm certainly not upset with the consideration that he is putting in. However, in the same work, Sun Tsu states "Thus, though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays." So I appreciate the time he is spending...but American soldiers are dying and the leadership is just waiting for orders.

Look at that beard...that beard conquered nations...

So...there you go. My first serious post.

Tadaaaa.

Things that Suck

Good afternoon Tyler,

I'm glad we decided that this should be a weekly post, cause I've got one DOOZY of a post for you. Let's just cut to the chase yeah? Things that suck, list #2:


People that abuse social networking sites - Not to name any specific persons, but I have several in mind as I type this (Not you Austin). Let's just take a step back and look at what the Internet has become: a user-based, self-gratifying, orgy of pixels fashioned out to look like real life. The problem is that a lot of people don't realize that the Internet is not real life. Side note: do you have a problem with 'Internet' officially being a capitalized word, but 'real life' not? The people that abuse social networking sites don't see the line between reality and virtual reality. I'll admit, I will engage in political/social debates on Facebook and/or Twitter, but I typically try to avoid starting political/social debates. Everyone has an opinion and everyone's opinion can be easily misconstrued via text, and obviously inflection cannot be communicated properly. Sure, post articles, state your opinion there, that's more justifiable (Glenn that was me defending you), but the moment you say something completely irrational and unsupported you're asking for trouble. And that's why you suck.


24 hour broadcast news stations - Now, I'm not knocking local news reporters or all broadcast journalists... But I am knocking CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. By now, you should know my extreme hatred for everything Fox News, but that hatred is (almost) just as strong for CNN and MSNBC. I'll admit right now, I enjoy the liberal ramblings of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow (secret lesbian love of my life), but the other 22 hours of television that MSNBC provides is absolutely disgusting. Take the "balloon boy" scandal for instance. The MSNBC reporters were claiming that the family was "weird" because they believed in UFOs and utilized psychics. That's called libel. That reporter was also reporting the incident with a complete bias by saying that. It's unfair to that family (though they are complete assholes also) and it's bad journalism. And CNN? If there were ever a newsroom full of melodramatic megalomaniacs, CNN would be the definition. Holy shit they suck.


Those FreeCreditReport.com guys - I detest violence and hate guns more than CNN, but God help me, if I had a gun I would murder those three guys. It's not only that the songs are annoying and they are the ugliest human beings on the face of the planet, but it's that the commercials are so poorly edited. Because I can immediately tell the commercial was horribly edited, I hate them more (not the editor, he can live). They suck and I dare you to challenge me.


Biff Tannen - This time traveling bully will not give Marty McFly a break! Gah! He was a bully to Marty's dad, a bully to Marty, and even a bully to Marty's kids! What gives Tannen? Probably just bad genes. All I know is this guy should make like a tree and get outta here!

Things That Suck

Hello Tyler,

I've been thinking about this for a few days (actually for about 3 minutes but it sounds better if I say a few days) so I think my opinion is completely well thought out. Now, I'm a very tolerant person and am pretty accepting of different cultures, ideologies, theologies, and Ryan Adams's constantly changing hairstyles. However, there are a few things I do not like. I'm pretty sure this list will hit home for a lot of folks, but I'm also pretty sure this list will piss off a lot of people. Here it is, my things-that-suck list:


Nickelback - I don't think I need to go into great detail on this one. I mean it's Nickelback. This band is the reason why frat brothers have never heard of bands like Pixies or Wilco, and I'm pretty sure they're the reason teen pregnancies in abstinence-only cultures have increased (I hear Sarah Palin loves Nickelback).


Seth MacFarlane - Now hear me out, I enjoy Family Guy and am actually watching it right now as I type this out. But Seth MacFarlane is a first class douchebag. Sure he has funny jokes and Stewie is hilarious, but his monopoly over the Fox network (which isn't saying much, I might add) is ridiculous. The only reason he is successful is because of the Simpsons and now I hear people saying that Family Guy is better than The Simpsons! This is simply absurd. And let's not forget how often MacFarlane rails on Fox for their shitty programming. SUNDAY NIGHT IS SETH MACFARLANE NIGHT. The douchebag has his own "almost live" sketch show now... You are your own pathetically cynical joke, sir.


Tea Partiers - Let's not pussyfoot around here: tea partiers are idiots. Now I don't mean everyone who believes in protesting the current administration, I mean the people who show up to these protests with signs like "Jesus is our king" and "Obama is a socialist fascist". Not only are their personal theological beliefs and political ideals desperately confused, they are inspired by Glenn Beck. Which leads me to my next thing that sucks...


Glenn Beck - This American disgrace was actually arguing on his CNN program a few years ago that the American health care system was in absolute shambles. But when he gets a program on Fox Noise, all of a sudden he is anti everything-except-white-rich-people. Tea partiers are eating up every word Glenn Beck says, and that is why they (and Glenn Beck) suck.


Snuggies - I'm starting to believe the government really does lace our tap water with something because snuggies are actually becoming accepted by the masses. Snuggie owner: DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE WEARING? You literally look like you are one cup of kool-aid away from being taken back up to the mothership. "But Clint, they're so... so... SNUGGLY!" My response to that is my recent conversation with a snuggie owner:
Snuggie owner, "But what am I supposed to do when I'm cold?"
Me, "Get a blanket!"
Snuggie owner, "But then if I want to get up I'll be cold!"
Me, "Boo - friggin - hoo. Grow a pair and get up like the entire history of mankind has done."
I just hope that our culture realizes how ridiculous snuggies are and I hope they realize it soon. Snuggies will undoubtedly be on VH1's "I love the '00s" and everyone will laugh at how stupid people in snuggies looked.

Thus concludes my first series of things that suck. I hope you enjoyed/were offended.