Things That Suck

Hello Tyler,

I've been thinking about this for a few days (actually for about 3 minutes but it sounds better if I say a few days) so I think my opinion is completely well thought out. Now, I'm a very tolerant person and am pretty accepting of different cultures, ideologies, theologies, and Ryan Adams's constantly changing hairstyles. However, there are a few things I do not like. I'm pretty sure this list will hit home for a lot of folks, but I'm also pretty sure this list will piss off a lot of people. Here it is, my things-that-suck list:


Nickelback - I don't think I need to go into great detail on this one. I mean it's Nickelback. This band is the reason why frat brothers have never heard of bands like Pixies or Wilco, and I'm pretty sure they're the reason teen pregnancies in abstinence-only cultures have increased (I hear Sarah Palin loves Nickelback).


Seth MacFarlane - Now hear me out, I enjoy Family Guy and am actually watching it right now as I type this out. But Seth MacFarlane is a first class douchebag. Sure he has funny jokes and Stewie is hilarious, but his monopoly over the Fox network (which isn't saying much, I might add) is ridiculous. The only reason he is successful is because of the Simpsons and now I hear people saying that Family Guy is better than The Simpsons! This is simply absurd. And let's not forget how often MacFarlane rails on Fox for their shitty programming. SUNDAY NIGHT IS SETH MACFARLANE NIGHT. The douchebag has his own "almost live" sketch show now... You are your own pathetically cynical joke, sir.


Tea Partiers - Let's not pussyfoot around here: tea partiers are idiots. Now I don't mean everyone who believes in protesting the current administration, I mean the people who show up to these protests with signs like "Jesus is our king" and "Obama is a socialist fascist". Not only are their personal theological beliefs and political ideals desperately confused, they are inspired by Glenn Beck. Which leads me to my next thing that sucks...


Glenn Beck - This American disgrace was actually arguing on his CNN program a few years ago that the American health care system was in absolute shambles. But when he gets a program on Fox Noise, all of a sudden he is anti everything-except-white-rich-people. Tea partiers are eating up every word Glenn Beck says, and that is why they (and Glenn Beck) suck.


Snuggies - I'm starting to believe the government really does lace our tap water with something because snuggies are actually becoming accepted by the masses. Snuggie owner: DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE WEARING? You literally look like you are one cup of kool-aid away from being taken back up to the mothership. "But Clint, they're so... so... SNUGGLY!" My response to that is my recent conversation with a snuggie owner:
Snuggie owner, "But what am I supposed to do when I'm cold?"
Me, "Get a blanket!"
Snuggie owner, "But then if I want to get up I'll be cold!"
Me, "Boo - friggin - hoo. Grow a pair and get up like the entire history of mankind has done."
I just hope that our culture realizes how ridiculous snuggies are and I hope they realize it soon. Snuggies will undoubtedly be on VH1's "I love the '00s" and everyone will laugh at how stupid people in snuggies looked.

Thus concludes my first series of things that suck. I hope you enjoyed/were offended.