Things that Suck

Good evening Tyler,

It's that time of the week once again. It feels weird being so regular with my blog posts (insert some kind of poop/fiber/regularity joke here). Here's a piping hot (again, poop joke) "things that suck" list.


Latisse/Brooke Shields - Y'know, I had a lot of respect for Brooke Shields after that whole Tom Cruise debacle. She was really a great voice of hope for people who were suffering from postpartum depression, and helped prove that Tom Cruise is absolutely insane. However, about a year ago everything went downhill. I was watching TV one day and saw a commercial for Latisse, the "first and only FDA approved eyelash growth treatment." Latisse is probably the most vain medical treatment to ever come out of the western world. I mean seriously! A gooey substance that you apply to your eyes so that you can have longer eyelashes? This is the kind of shit that makes me lose hope for the world. And now Brooke Shields is their go-to girl. What happened to your dignity Brooke? Perhaps you never had it. Or is "loss of dignity" a side-effect of Latisse?


NBC - I'm pretty sure everyone is with me on this one, even those freak-a-zoid "Leno people." The disrespect that has been shown towards Conan O'Brien is despicable. He's the host of the Tonight Show... One of the most successful shows NBC has ever had, and their going to risk it all only 7 months after he's been hosting just because Leno's prime-time ratings tanked? If it weren't for Tina Fey and Conan O'Brien, NBC would be at FOX level right now. And let's think about the new time slots they've decided on, 11:35 for Leno and 12:05 for Conan? That's not the Tonight Show, that's the Next Morning Show. No logical, job-possessing human being is going to stay up until 12:05 to watch an hour of television. NBC, you suck.


Michael Jordan from 1994 to 1995 - Why '94 to '95 you ask? In case you forgot, this was the year Michael Jordan played baseball for the Birmingham Barons, a Chicago White Sox farm team, and everyone in America said, "What the hell? Is that Michael Jordan?" Thankfully, MJ went back to basketball and gained some respect back (but lost a little more when he played for the Wizards... Hey we can't all be Brett Favre).


Dick Cheney - Keeping it political, as always, Cheney is definitely on this list. When searching google for pictures I found this article from Huffington Post. I consider myself an intelligent person. And I like to think that I can pick up on metaphors and analogies pretty easily, but what the shit is Cheney talking about?! "He seems to think that if he gets a haircut, we won't be at war with the terrorists," said Cheney. "He seems to think that if he walks into a Super Cuts, and asks for #2 clippers, that there's no problem in letting the masterminds behind 9/11 sit in court and be tried. He seems to think that if he asks his barber for some talcum powder to brush along his neck to relieve himself of the normal razor burns, that closing Guantanamo bay is perfectly fine. Well you know what, Mr. Obama, I don't think getting a haircut is such a good idea." I'm willing to listen to interpretations as to what this means, but if someone leaves a comment defending Cheney's statement I am going to have a heyday fighting back. Dick Cheney has done nothing but talk since he left Washington, and much like his crazy counterpart Sarah Palin, he has said nothing logical or beneficial. I think that's what kills me most, the people opposed to the president are doing a lot of talking, but nothing they've said has been productive (either to their own cause or the president's). Dick Cheney, you Dr. Strangelove-ian freak, you suck. so. much.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - I know DJ made the list several weeks ago, but he's back on. For all those that argued for Dwayne, I give you exhibit A:


'Nuff said.