5 True Misconceptions

Good evening Tyler,

As my departure to Ireland approaches, I'm trying to get myself back into travel mode. More specifically, I'm trying to get back into European mode (it's hairier and more naked). You've been to Europe so you know what I mean when I say that Europeans are very different from us Americans. One of the things I learned during my time in Europe is that their conception of America is disappointing. It's disappointing because it's almost 100% accurate. We're overweight, loud, incapable of hiding our horniness, and obscenely patriotic. The only problem is that we don't realize these facts until it's too late and we're piss drunk, yelling the star-spangled banner in a French bar.

So the following list has been structured as 5 misconceptions that are actually true.


5. All American males are Homer Simpson - I didn't realize this until I went to England and six year olds were coming up to me and asking me to do Homer impressions. My mother didn't allow us to watch the Simpsons as a kid so I was desperately confused why people thought Americans were like Homer. If you think about it though, they're right. And sure, there are Americans that are nothing like Homer, they're actually good people... But for the other 90% of us, we are Homer Simpson. We're lazy, constantly hungry, stupid and hate our jobs.


4. We think we're expert drinkers - But we most certainly are not. The thing about Europeans is they are professional alcoholics. I'm not afraid of saying that because I'm pretty sure every European I know would agree with that statement. A lot of American students don't start drinking until they get to college. As a consequence, American college kids learn that binge drinking is the best way to enjoy alcohol. And so when all the Americans cross the pond and hit the bars (or pubs) they think they're hot shit. This thought is quickly disproven when our freshly minted fraternity brother is singing Piano Man (even though Rocket Man is playing), hitting on every woman and then puking and passing out in the bathroom. All before 11 PM. Or our precious sorority sister is shouting at the top of her lungs to the guido next to her that she just broke up with her boyfriend and is just looking to have fun (I was going to try to make some sort of Natalie Holloway joke here... Too soon?).


3. We are all absurdly obese - Okay, well we're not all obese, and I'm sure Europe has their fair share of fatasses (at least ours don't go to the nude beaches). But let's face it, Americans have got to be the most sedimentary and large. We pack away 4 course meals like it's our job. Try buying a McDonald's hamburger in London and tell me you are just as stuffed as you would be if you bought one in Nashville. You can't do it! I know because I've tried! And it cost me double what it normally does! Yes, we are fat.


2. We have no knowledge of history - Other than American history, it's probably safe to say that the majority of Americans have no idea what has happened in the history of the world. Sure we've got basic concepts: Dinosaurs, Greeks, Jews, Jesus, Romans, France invents Champagne (and kissing), people in boats, and then THE PARTY STARTS WOOOOO GOD BLESS AMERICA. The only history we know is what we get out of our Frommer's when we're walking around castles in York. Then we typically forget why it was significant and make up some bullshit when we're showing pictures to everyone back home.


1. Americans are overbearingly patriotic - When my friend Michael came over to America for the first time, he was literally in shock that we said the Pledge of Allegiance every day. And if you think about it, that's seriously weird. We're pledging allegiance to a flag?! I mean, I love my country but there's a difference between passion and paranoia. "I pledge allegiance to the flag and will Cleveland Steamer every Communist bastard I meet." What's sad is we're so patriotic, but the majority of us have no idea how American government works. Haven't you watched Jay Leno's "Jay Walking" sketch before?! We get so offended if someone challenges our American principles but we can't even remember what our 5 basic rights are! Please read the following in a drunk sorority girl voice: "My FOUR-fathers didn't die so you could feed your poor people and cry about not having enough money! When Jesus, Albert Einstein, Harry Winston and Criss Angel signed the Declaration of Interdependence they did it because they knew assholes like you were gonna be mean!" I think Europeans always had this conception about Americans, but it was definitely cemented with the Bush Administration. Those were the most blindingly American years of my life.

So there you have it. The 5 completely accurate misconceptions of Americans. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.