Things that Suck

Hello Tyler,

I'm taking a short break from packing to write this (what I think to be pretty good) list of things that suck. Here goes:


Jay Leno - This one's a no-brainer. Granted, NBC really sucks and is the mastermind behind putting Conan O'Brien on the street, but I'm starting to think Leno sucks just as much as NBC. If Leno was a classy guy, he would step back from NBC's offer. The guy had his run on the Tonight Show, he knew about the switch for 5 years. He should have accepted the fact that his primetime suckfest for a television show tanked and that his stint on talk show hosting was over. But no, he had to work out some way to get back to the 11:35 slot. Conan is going to go on to do great things wherever he goes and Leno is going to be working the same job and, I guarantee, watch his ratings drop once again.


AT&T - Not only has the cell phone provider's coverage become extremely shotty, they've apparently stopped caring about their customers. I attempted to "suspend" my account with them so that when I return from Dublin I can switch my plan back on and keep my phone, number, plan etc. But no. I would have to continue paying my monthly bill, even though I would not be able to use any of the features I'm paying for without facing massive roaming charges. Sorry AT&T, I think you just lost a customer... Especially if Verizon is picking up the iPhone in the next few months.


Massachusetts - Yeah, I'm sorry Jeff and Raina, but Massachusetts sucks. Not only did you elect a Republican to replace Ted Kennedy's seat in the Senate, but you elected 1990s playboy Scott Brown to replace it. Sure your choice of candidates sucked, sure this was a rushed election... But between Martha Coakley and Scott Brown you chose... HIM? Sure he's only in office for another two years, but let's not forget that his election could very well destroy healthcare reform. Good thing you say? Do you enjoy your healthcare in Massachusetts? Like the rates you're paying? That's because your former governor Mitt Romney created the best government run healthcare plan out of any of the states and now 96% of your state is insured. Enjoy your healthcare, the rest of the country will be dying.


Supreme Court - That's right I said it! The Supreme Court sucks! On the 21st they blocked the ban on corporate spending toward election campaigns. So basically giant corporations and bankers can shoot as much money to their candidate of choice as they want, while you and I are writing 20 dollar checks every three months because that's all we can afford. Let's just hope we pick the right candidate. According to the Court majority, limiting how much corporations could spend on candidates was a First Amendment violation. Apparently the human right to free speech now applies to business entities. Supreme Court: right now, you suck.


Terrorists - And finally, if I haven't made it clear enough to our (very small) audience, I am studying abroad in Dublin. I leave in 2 days. My biggest concern right now? Not fitting everything into one suitcase. Not how much money I'll have over there. Not if I'm going to be kidnapped by Leprechauns and held for ransom. But if some jackass is going to light his fucking underwear on fire on my flight. Truly we live in a strange time. I don't think I need to expound any further... Terrorists suck, stay off my plane.

Things That Do Not Suck

Good afternoon, Clint.

It seems today that there is much around us that does, in fact, suck. Conangate, Mark McGwire was using steroids (feigned surprise) when he broke the single season home run record, and Lane Kiffin is an all around douche bag. Not to mention the horrific earthquake that devastated Haiti(By the way, that link will take you to the American Red Cross where you can find a place to donate blood or donate some benjis for the cause...if you're afraid of needles). Yes, things on starship Earth are looking down...

...but hey, that's what "things that do not suck" is for! So chin up, cheer up, and buck up, cause here comes the list!

Afternoons when you have nothing to do...

Yeah, that's right. Nothing. You've read that book that you promised your sister that you would read that you didn't want to in the first place. You made that call to your mother that you promised her that you would a month ago. You somehow managed to plan ahead so that you know what you're doing tomorrow at work or school. And now? Nothing. It's bliss. You can literally do whatever you want. Do you want to fall asleep watching the daily marathon of CSI on Spike(endorsement? no? cool...)? Do you want to watch Star Wars: Deluxe Edition and complain about what Lucas did to your favorite movies for the 40th time(only 40th? impressive, most impressive)? Do it. What a glorious feeling! My personal favorite example was the afternoon that I laid outside in a hammock with the full intention of reading...but ended up just staring at clouds. It was glorious. Nice cool breeze...wisps of clouds that looked vaguely like animals...perfect.

Getting your mind blown...

Have you ever learned something that absolutely blew your mind? I mean really just totally took you by surprise and kapow! you were never the same? This happens to me sometimes, and I absolutely love it when it happens. It comes from school, stuff I read, even stuff that I see on TV. Honestly, it doesn't take much...but getting a new fact that I think is amazing is something that makes my life infinitely better. Recently it's been Physics that has blown my mind...but History always does...you know me. Examples? Sure. Did you know that around 1485, the Portuguese visited the Kongo? Their leaders became so linked to Portugal that they converted to Catholicism, spoke Portuguese, and even took Portuguese names. In 1688, the Kongolese king was named Jao...which I'm fairly certain is like "John" in Portugal. Pretty cool huh? Another example...the relative size of the universe. Watch that video and try to keep your mind in place. Oops. You can't. It was just blown apart by the sheer awesomeness of science. Take that brain.

Michael Jordan - the rest of the time...

I mean...6 championships. 6. Want to know what that looks like? About like this...

So yeah...I know that you know that MJ is amazing. I just wanted to reiterate how much he does not suck. And as an added bonus...here's a little gem you may or may not remember. I just want to point out that those fries and that big mac would be cold and soggy by the time that competition was over...

Seacrest, out.

Things that Suck

Good evening Tyler,

It's that time of the week once again. It feels weird being so regular with my blog posts (insert some kind of poop/fiber/regularity joke here). Here's a piping hot (again, poop joke) "things that suck" list.


Latisse/Brooke Shields - Y'know, I had a lot of respect for Brooke Shields after that whole Tom Cruise debacle. She was really a great voice of hope for people who were suffering from postpartum depression, and helped prove that Tom Cruise is absolutely insane. However, about a year ago everything went downhill. I was watching TV one day and saw a commercial for Latisse, the "first and only FDA approved eyelash growth treatment." Latisse is probably the most vain medical treatment to ever come out of the western world. I mean seriously! A gooey substance that you apply to your eyes so that you can have longer eyelashes? This is the kind of shit that makes me lose hope for the world. And now Brooke Shields is their go-to girl. What happened to your dignity Brooke? Perhaps you never had it. Or is "loss of dignity" a side-effect of Latisse?


NBC - I'm pretty sure everyone is with me on this one, even those freak-a-zoid "Leno people." The disrespect that has been shown towards Conan O'Brien is despicable. He's the host of the Tonight Show... One of the most successful shows NBC has ever had, and their going to risk it all only 7 months after he's been hosting just because Leno's prime-time ratings tanked? If it weren't for Tina Fey and Conan O'Brien, NBC would be at FOX level right now. And let's think about the new time slots they've decided on, 11:35 for Leno and 12:05 for Conan? That's not the Tonight Show, that's the Next Morning Show. No logical, job-possessing human being is going to stay up until 12:05 to watch an hour of television. NBC, you suck.


Michael Jordan from 1994 to 1995 - Why '94 to '95 you ask? In case you forgot, this was the year Michael Jordan played baseball for the Birmingham Barons, a Chicago White Sox farm team, and everyone in America said, "What the hell? Is that Michael Jordan?" Thankfully, MJ went back to basketball and gained some respect back (but lost a little more when he played for the Wizards... Hey we can't all be Brett Favre).


Dick Cheney - Keeping it political, as always, Cheney is definitely on this list. When searching google for pictures I found this article from Huffington Post. I consider myself an intelligent person. And I like to think that I can pick up on metaphors and analogies pretty easily, but what the shit is Cheney talking about?! "He seems to think that if he gets a haircut, we won't be at war with the terrorists," said Cheney. "He seems to think that if he walks into a Super Cuts, and asks for #2 clippers, that there's no problem in letting the masterminds behind 9/11 sit in court and be tried. He seems to think that if he asks his barber for some talcum powder to brush along his neck to relieve himself of the normal razor burns, that closing Guantanamo bay is perfectly fine. Well you know what, Mr. Obama, I don't think getting a haircut is such a good idea." I'm willing to listen to interpretations as to what this means, but if someone leaves a comment defending Cheney's statement I am going to have a heyday fighting back. Dick Cheney has done nothing but talk since he left Washington, and much like his crazy counterpart Sarah Palin, he has said nothing logical or beneficial. I think that's what kills me most, the people opposed to the president are doing a lot of talking, but nothing they've said has been productive (either to their own cause or the president's). Dick Cheney, you Dr. Strangelove-ian freak, you suck. so. much.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - I know DJ made the list several weeks ago, but he's back on. For all those that argued for Dwayne, I give you exhibit A:


'Nuff said.

The '00s: A Reflection

Good evening Tyler,

I figure a decade-in-review post is appropriate, and better late than never right? The years 2000-2009 were big for me. I went from being a little kid, to an awkward pre-teen, to an awkward teen, and now I'm probably the coolest guy from the greater Nashville area (just play along). Let's break it down, yes? Yes.

On Pop Culture:
Since half the world started off 2000 hidden in bunkers filled with distilled water, pork'n'beans, and shotguns I'd say we set the tone for the '00s pretty well (and at least we're halfway prepared for 2012 now). Boy bands were still acceptable and Lance Bass was still straight. Metrosexual was a term that was legitimately used to describe men who wore atrocious clothing. Now we just call them tools and they wear Ed Hardy. And the Hipster! The Hipster didn't really exist in the early '00s. We still had the Emo kids back then and man you had better hope you weren't called an Emo or your days were numbered in certain social groups. I think Paste's "Evolution of the Hipster" pretty much sums up my thoughts (yes, I am 2004).

Remember when Britney Spears was in Austin Powers: Goldmember? Remember how she was America's darling? Too bad 2006 rolled around. You've really worked hard to hit rock bottom when Christina Aguilera looks like a wholesome woman when compared to you (sorry Brit). The other great Beatle died in 2001 (George), Paul was getting divorced when he was 64, and Ringo... Uh... Made a website? For some reason Ashton Kutcher became popular. He proved that you can be a complete douche bag to all your friends in Hollywood and still somehow get work. Did you see Butterfly Effect? Oh my god that was awful. American Idol became the biggest reality show in America and the most annoying for everyone who passed 9th grade algebra.

The '00s also brought about an internet revolution. The internet finally served a purpose other than chronic pornography browsing and forwarding forwarded emails that threatened to burn your house down if you didn't forward them. MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and the Fucking Weather were all created and literally changed the way our society communicated. MySpace taught pre-teens how to catch predators, YouTube pissed off the America's Funniest Home Video's execs, Facebook brought children closer to their parents whether they wanted that or not, Twitter killed Michael Jackson and Rush Limbaugh (but brought the latter back to life), and the Fucking Weather made meteorology finally tolerable. This about-face in the way we communicate will either be the beginning of the next step in our species' level of thinking or it will kill us with our own stupidity. Either way, I eagerly await to find out what happens.

And let us not forget about HIGH DEFINITION (or caps lock). What would our lives be like without HIGH DEFINITION? Probably a lot like 1998: tube TVs and VHS tapes (oh and Ross and Rachel would still be on a break). I'm not going to lie, I enjoy HD quality programming. Planet Earth was single-handedly the best thing to ever happen to television and my life. And despite the US Dollar's value getting smaller and smaller, the televisions just seemed to get bigger and bigger. As much as I love nature and getting back to the basics of life, I do enjoy watching Star Wars in HD on a 50 inch plasma-filled television with speakers that blow my pants right off (and thus inspire pantsless tweets).


I think my favorite pop culture moment of the '00s however, would have to be the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle. Kanye was well on his way to striking out. First he said that George Bush didn't care about black people (and almost gave Mike Meyers a heart attack). Then he got mad at everyone for calling him a gay fish. And then he stumbled up on stage, yanked the mic from innocent little Taylor Swift (p.s. why is she famous?) and rambled on about how Beyonce had the best music video. All the hilarity that ensued is why it was my favorite pop culture moment. People were actually upset that Kanye did that. Oh the tweets! The tweets said it all! "OMG I CANT BELEEV KANYE DID THAT TOO TAYLRO"... Now, I'm an old man trapped in a 21 year old body, so naturally I was watching Animal Planet and eating hard-boiled eggs when the tweets started streaming in. I think that actually helped put it all in perspective: Kanye West did what to who? And I care why? Oh that's right I don't, but that lion is about to eat that elephant and it's going to be fucking awesome.

So there you have it, my analysis of pop culture in the '00s.

---

Now on a more serious note. I have the feeling the year 2000 will be looked back upon as some kind of strange anomaly in history. It was the beginning of the new Millennium, but we were still so innocent. I'm of course talking about 9/11/2001. That day obviously changed the game completely for everyone. It's strange watching films that came out just after 9/11 because they are so delicate with violence (The Bourne Identity was almost shut down). Now we live in a world where "terrorist" conjures images of bearded men in turbans and we're not allowed to read books for the last hour of our flights. We started out this decade in complete turmoil and confusion and we ended it not much farther than where we started off. We're still fighting two wars, one that was set off on 9/11 and another that was based on lies (yeah I'm going to offend all my conservative readers right now). We watched the Almighty Dollar plummet into fire-starters and our concept of human rights become limited to American citizens only. Echos of Vietnam were seen and heard in the early years of the Iraq War, but lost with the lack of passion from those against the war.

It's interesting to see the progression through this decade. It's a rollercoaster of fear, anger, patriotism and morality. Everyone is always right or always wrong. We've had to question what price we're willing to pay for our own safety. Sure, Americans were relatively safe on their own turf while President Bush was in office, but what about everyone not on American soil? We don't hear about it in the news so it doesn't really happen? The photos from Abu Ghraib didn't lie. Those opposed to the war questioned the Constitutionality of torturing human beings, and now those opposed to health care reform for Americans raise the same concerns of Constitutionality. More than ever, we live in confusing times. We are being forced to question our own morality as a country, and redefining what exactly "civil" and "human" rights mean. All that being said, we are living in a very pivotal time in American history and I, for one, am happy to be a part of it.

Now, if you're still reading this... I have no idea why. Here's to a great 2010 and decade!

5 True Misconceptions

Good evening Tyler,

As my departure to Ireland approaches, I'm trying to get myself back into travel mode. More specifically, I'm trying to get back into European mode (it's hairier and more naked). You've been to Europe so you know what I mean when I say that Europeans are very different from us Americans. One of the things I learned during my time in Europe is that their conception of America is disappointing. It's disappointing because it's almost 100% accurate. We're overweight, loud, incapable of hiding our horniness, and obscenely patriotic. The only problem is that we don't realize these facts until it's too late and we're piss drunk, yelling the star-spangled banner in a French bar.

So the following list has been structured as 5 misconceptions that are actually true.


5. All American males are Homer Simpson - I didn't realize this until I went to England and six year olds were coming up to me and asking me to do Homer impressions. My mother didn't allow us to watch the Simpsons as a kid so I was desperately confused why people thought Americans were like Homer. If you think about it though, they're right. And sure, there are Americans that are nothing like Homer, they're actually good people... But for the other 90% of us, we are Homer Simpson. We're lazy, constantly hungry, stupid and hate our jobs.


4. We think we're expert drinkers - But we most certainly are not. The thing about Europeans is they are professional alcoholics. I'm not afraid of saying that because I'm pretty sure every European I know would agree with that statement. A lot of American students don't start drinking until they get to college. As a consequence, American college kids learn that binge drinking is the best way to enjoy alcohol. And so when all the Americans cross the pond and hit the bars (or pubs) they think they're hot shit. This thought is quickly disproven when our freshly minted fraternity brother is singing Piano Man (even though Rocket Man is playing), hitting on every woman and then puking and passing out in the bathroom. All before 11 PM. Or our precious sorority sister is shouting at the top of her lungs to the guido next to her that she just broke up with her boyfriend and is just looking to have fun (I was going to try to make some sort of Natalie Holloway joke here... Too soon?).


3. We are all absurdly obese - Okay, well we're not all obese, and I'm sure Europe has their fair share of fatasses (at least ours don't go to the nude beaches). But let's face it, Americans have got to be the most sedimentary and large. We pack away 4 course meals like it's our job. Try buying a McDonald's hamburger in London and tell me you are just as stuffed as you would be if you bought one in Nashville. You can't do it! I know because I've tried! And it cost me double what it normally does! Yes, we are fat.


2. We have no knowledge of history - Other than American history, it's probably safe to say that the majority of Americans have no idea what has happened in the history of the world. Sure we've got basic concepts: Dinosaurs, Greeks, Jews, Jesus, Romans, France invents Champagne (and kissing), people in boats, and then THE PARTY STARTS WOOOOO GOD BLESS AMERICA. The only history we know is what we get out of our Frommer's when we're walking around castles in York. Then we typically forget why it was significant and make up some bullshit when we're showing pictures to everyone back home.


1. Americans are overbearingly patriotic - When my friend Michael came over to America for the first time, he was literally in shock that we said the Pledge of Allegiance every day. And if you think about it, that's seriously weird. We're pledging allegiance to a flag?! I mean, I love my country but there's a difference between passion and paranoia. "I pledge allegiance to the flag and will Cleveland Steamer every Communist bastard I meet." What's sad is we're so patriotic, but the majority of us have no idea how American government works. Haven't you watched Jay Leno's "Jay Walking" sketch before?! We get so offended if someone challenges our American principles but we can't even remember what our 5 basic rights are! Please read the following in a drunk sorority girl voice: "My FOUR-fathers didn't die so you could feed your poor people and cry about not having enough money! When Jesus, Albert Einstein, Harry Winston and Criss Angel signed the Declaration of Interdependence they did it because they knew assholes like you were gonna be mean!" I think Europeans always had this conception about Americans, but it was definitely cemented with the Bush Administration. Those were the most blindingly American years of my life.

So there you have it. The 5 completely accurate misconceptions of Americans. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.

Things that Suck!

Good afternoon Tyler,

As you can tell, it's been a while since either of us has posted anything. I don't have an excuse, except that I am lazy. So I guess it's only appropriate that I make a "things that suck" list.


Clint and Tyler - I also think it's only appropriate that we are the first on the list of things that suck. To all our readers, I deeply apologize. I know you all have been anxiously waiting for Tyler or I to write something stupid/funny for several weeks now. And I'm just self-centered enough to actually think that's true.


Moldy bread - I don't how often this happens to you Tyler, but in the recent months I have purchased several loaves of bread and within a week they have gone bad! You have no idea how frustrating that is! I spent a pretty penny on this loaf of bread and all I get is maybe 3 sandwiches. AND IN THIS ECONOMY?!


The asian psychiatrist on Law and Order: SVU - It seems like B.D. Wong always plays the snide little man that always has a smart comeback. Jurassic Park? He played Henry Wu, the snarky dino-doc who argued with Ian Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) about the likelihood of dinosaurs reproducing on the island... If only we could've seen HIM get eaten off the toilet. And his character on SVU, Dr. George Huang, is like that kid in class that always knows EVERYTHING. He's always got the right answer, and all the other characters (and the audience) hate that he is right. George Huang you suck!


The American Dollar - As my flight to Dublin quickly approaches, I've been keeping an eye on the US Dollar to Euro exchange rate almost daily. And I gotta say, the Dollar sucks. I've known this for a while, the times I visited the UK and Europe in high school proved to be doubly expensive. And even though the rate from Euro to USD has actually gone down recently, it's still piss poor. The past two weeks it has danced around $1.43 to $1.44. This will simply not do. If this rate goes up anymore, you and Amber might be getting combined gifts... Sorry.

So there it is! Finally a new list of things that suck. I promise I'll never take that long to post again... Maybe.