Only Stupid People?

Good morning Tyler,

Let's set a few things straight. You didn't blog. And the laws of the blog (and according to Bob Loblaw's Law Blog) dictate that you be punished for this heinous crime. The only problem is... I didn't blog either. My excuse is that I'm in Europe and we don't do anything in a timely manner. Nonetheless, punishment should be rightly enforced. Unless you wanna call a truce? Just think about it.


In the meantime, for our readers' sake, I'd like to talk about my trip to England. I'm currently sitting in the home of my good friends, the Farishes, in Northeast England. And believe it or not, coming from Ireland to England has actually been a culture shock. It's hard to describe why or how the two nations are so different, but when I came here it definitely felt different. I'm terrified at how bad my reverse culture shock will be when I get back to America. I think the best thing about coming to England though is all the questions. Upon my arrival, one of Michael's housemates asked me: "I know this might be a stupid question, but do you have the TV show 'Friends' back in America?"

You mean the TV show with all the Americans in it? Yeah... Yeah we've got that. We're only on season 4 though. Other questions have included:

-So in America, do you have donuts every morning for breakfast?
-You don't have cold water in the South, do you?
-Have you seen that guy that makes all the food?
-Do you have taxis in America?

And my personal favorite: "Are you the famous Clint Alwahab?" That's right, someone actually asked me if I was the famous Clint Alwahab. I've got to say, it's a great/ego exploding feeling when someone asks you that. He asked that because he said he always saw all his friends on Facebook talking to me on my wall. Thanks Facebook!

Now, this whole stupid question thing doesn't work just one way. Michael's visits to America have included questions such as: "Do you have water in England?" and "What language do you speak in England?" Where did we go wrong? When did we stop using our brains? When did we start forgetting where Europe is? I guess the bright side to all of this is that we're asking questions and we're curious about different cultures... Right?

6 Things from Dublin

Hello Tyler,

Before I left for Dublin, I wrote a little piece about the 5 "true misconceptions" of Americans abroad. Well, now that I'm here I would like to write something a little similar, but about the Irish. Why 6? Yeah I don't have a good reason, I just couldn't come up with 10.


6. The Irish really do like their drink - I have it on good authority (the word of several sober and drunk Irishmen) that the Irish do, in fact, enjoy a good drunk. An older gentleman told me about how a pint of Guinness should be served and what a good Guinness looks like. He knew this because he was a Guinness representative for a while and because, "We are alcoholics."


5. Everything is seriously f-cking green - It rains here. A LOT. The first full day we were here, we walked through rain, sleet, snow, rainsleetsnow, and then sunny clear skies. Whatever photographs you've seen of the rolling hills of sunny Ireland were taken in the 3 minute timespan between torrential downpours. Because of all this rain, it is always green here. As one of my professors described it, in Siberia you have to wear sunglasses to protect you from snow-blindness, but here you have to wear sunglasses for green-blindness.


4. Dont' bring up the British - Just... Don't.


3. They do not like leprechauns - Of all the stereotypes, this one took the longest to come up. They see it as a stupid myth that Americans think is actually real. I have never met anyone that legitimately thought leprechauns were real, but my professor knew a police officer who met a rather drunk American man who asked him wear the "lupreeshins" were. As a kind Irishmen would, he directed him toward the park down the street. Maybe the Leprechauns moved to Mobile, Alabama? (See above video to get that reference)


2. Guinness is the national economy's mainstay - Though the Celtic Tiger (Ireland's economic boom) is long over, there's one thing the economy can count on and that's Guinness. Not only is it a tourist attraction 365, it is the most common drink purchased in every pub/bar/club I've been to thus far. So don't be shy to order a pint next time you're in town, you'd look weird if you didn't.


1. If you've got any Irish in your blood, you're Irish - I'm Irish, according to the Irishman at a pub I visited. He was very curious why all these Americans are always coming over to Ireland to study. I tried to explain that traveling/studying abroad is just a thing that attracts a lot of students. He then asked if I had any Irish heritage, I explained that it was waaaay down my mother's line and that I was actually an Arab-American. He cut me off about halfway through my sentence and said, "You've got Irish in you, you're Irish." So yeah! I'm Irish! Don't kiss me.

P.S. I hope that news station was shut down after that report.

Death and Taxes (and Hockey...of course...)

Clint...I am...upset.

I did our taxes yesterday. Which in and of itself is just infuriating...but then I got to the best part: how much is Uncle Sam going to give me this year? I found out some upsetting news. I owe a large sum of money to the United States government. Now...I'm going to break this down for you in a very reasoned way, whine without regard for the legitimacy of my argument for about a paragraph, and then get out my checkbook and get on with my life (in that order).

I should begin by saying that I don't mind paying taxes. I understand that this is how we fund our government. I mean, Amber's job, Brad's job, and many of my friends' jobs are paid for by the money collected by taxes. I certainly don't mind funding our country's defense, maintenance, or infrastructure. That being said, the big reason that I'm upset is that I am basically getting punished for getting married and making money (and not even a LOT of money). I made roughly the same amount of money this year as last year. Last year I got a refund. This year is the first full(fiscal) year that I have been married and I OWE money to the government. I did some looking and if Amber and I were "living in sin" as the old folks say, I would be receiving roughly the same amount THAT I AM PAYING TO THE GOVERNMENT!!! Which leads me to the whining...

...WHAT THE HELL!? Now, I'm no economist, but don't you want people to get married? That has all sorts of businesses and jobs attached to it! Florists, tailors, rental properties, travel agencies, bakeries, caterers...golf courses, for Pete's sake! Not to mention the MILLIONS of dollars a year that wedding planning makes. And that's just the wedding itself! Never mind the money that you pay to get married by the state. Apart from the economics, marriage leads to people buying houses, cars, and eventually bringing other Americans into the world. If there's anything that the government should be encouraging...shouldn't it be marriage? Here's the other thing that bothers me. The government takes money out of my paycheck each month for taxes anyway. It also takes out money for social security (which I'll never see) and for Medicare (which I'll never see). And yet, even though I already get money taken out of my pay each month, I STILL owe money to the government?! Really? REALLY!? And as for this "hopey-changey" stuff that is supposedly doing so well...where's my damn tax break!? I'm not going to quote the plan, because it only makes me depressed. And don't bring this whole "well, the republicans are stopping obama from getting his plan through..." to me...I'm just too annoyed to hear it.

*grabs checkbook...gets on with life*

Lastly...

USA! USA! USA!

Isn't it Canada's national sport? And 5-3 isn't exactly a "close" game. So, nicely done, team USA. I feel like watching the Mighty Ducks.

quack. quack. quack. quack. quack! QUACK!

Now, I realize I didn't actually say anything about death...but then again, I did mention Emilio Estevez's career...HI-OH!

Clint...until next time, remember...ducks fly together!

Hopey Changey

Good morning/afternoon Tyler,

It has been far too long since anything has happened on this blog. Since I've gotten to Dublin, I'll be honest, I just haven't focused on what to write for this ol' blog. But in the words of Sarah Palin and some black guy that takes my money and gives it back, it's time for some "hopey changey" around here. It's time for... A Renaissance!


That's right ladies and gentlemen, Tyler and I have decided to be proactive about this blog and actually use it for what blogs are intended... blogging. So here's the deal, Tyler and I will blog once every week. That's one post from me and one post from Tyler every week. "But Clint, how can I trust you'll keep your promises? Where's the accountability?" I'm glad you asked. Tyler and I now have a standing verbal contract that if one of us does not blog by midnight on the specified day, the other chooses the punishment. Spoonful of sugar, eating 10 saltine crackers in 3 minutes, watching the next Twilight movie, whatever we come up with the other must fulfill the punishment. The best part is we'll vlog (video blog) the punishments for all of you.

This coming week, you can expect a blog post from myself and Tyler. Watch your RSS, Google reader, inbox, facebook feed, twitter timeline (or whatever the hell you're using to stay in touch with people you don't care about) because new posts are coming your way.


Gird your loins, this blog just got REAL.

Things that Suck

Hello Tyler,

I'm taking a short break from packing to write this (what I think to be pretty good) list of things that suck. Here goes:


Jay Leno - This one's a no-brainer. Granted, NBC really sucks and is the mastermind behind putting Conan O'Brien on the street, but I'm starting to think Leno sucks just as much as NBC. If Leno was a classy guy, he would step back from NBC's offer. The guy had his run on the Tonight Show, he knew about the switch for 5 years. He should have accepted the fact that his primetime suckfest for a television show tanked and that his stint on talk show hosting was over. But no, he had to work out some way to get back to the 11:35 slot. Conan is going to go on to do great things wherever he goes and Leno is going to be working the same job and, I guarantee, watch his ratings drop once again.


AT&T - Not only has the cell phone provider's coverage become extremely shotty, they've apparently stopped caring about their customers. I attempted to "suspend" my account with them so that when I return from Dublin I can switch my plan back on and keep my phone, number, plan etc. But no. I would have to continue paying my monthly bill, even though I would not be able to use any of the features I'm paying for without facing massive roaming charges. Sorry AT&T, I think you just lost a customer... Especially if Verizon is picking up the iPhone in the next few months.


Massachusetts - Yeah, I'm sorry Jeff and Raina, but Massachusetts sucks. Not only did you elect a Republican to replace Ted Kennedy's seat in the Senate, but you elected 1990s playboy Scott Brown to replace it. Sure your choice of candidates sucked, sure this was a rushed election... But between Martha Coakley and Scott Brown you chose... HIM? Sure he's only in office for another two years, but let's not forget that his election could very well destroy healthcare reform. Good thing you say? Do you enjoy your healthcare in Massachusetts? Like the rates you're paying? That's because your former governor Mitt Romney created the best government run healthcare plan out of any of the states and now 96% of your state is insured. Enjoy your healthcare, the rest of the country will be dying.


Supreme Court - That's right I said it! The Supreme Court sucks! On the 21st they blocked the ban on corporate spending toward election campaigns. So basically giant corporations and bankers can shoot as much money to their candidate of choice as they want, while you and I are writing 20 dollar checks every three months because that's all we can afford. Let's just hope we pick the right candidate. According to the Court majority, limiting how much corporations could spend on candidates was a First Amendment violation. Apparently the human right to free speech now applies to business entities. Supreme Court: right now, you suck.


Terrorists - And finally, if I haven't made it clear enough to our (very small) audience, I am studying abroad in Dublin. I leave in 2 days. My biggest concern right now? Not fitting everything into one suitcase. Not how much money I'll have over there. Not if I'm going to be kidnapped by Leprechauns and held for ransom. But if some jackass is going to light his fucking underwear on fire on my flight. Truly we live in a strange time. I don't think I need to expound any further... Terrorists suck, stay off my plane.

Things That Do Not Suck

Good afternoon, Clint.

It seems today that there is much around us that does, in fact, suck. Conangate, Mark McGwire was using steroids (feigned surprise) when he broke the single season home run record, and Lane Kiffin is an all around douche bag. Not to mention the horrific earthquake that devastated Haiti(By the way, that link will take you to the American Red Cross where you can find a place to donate blood or donate some benjis for the cause...if you're afraid of needles). Yes, things on starship Earth are looking down...

...but hey, that's what "things that do not suck" is for! So chin up, cheer up, and buck up, cause here comes the list!

Afternoons when you have nothing to do...

Yeah, that's right. Nothing. You've read that book that you promised your sister that you would read that you didn't want to in the first place. You made that call to your mother that you promised her that you would a month ago. You somehow managed to plan ahead so that you know what you're doing tomorrow at work or school. And now? Nothing. It's bliss. You can literally do whatever you want. Do you want to fall asleep watching the daily marathon of CSI on Spike(endorsement? no? cool...)? Do you want to watch Star Wars: Deluxe Edition and complain about what Lucas did to your favorite movies for the 40th time(only 40th? impressive, most impressive)? Do it. What a glorious feeling! My personal favorite example was the afternoon that I laid outside in a hammock with the full intention of reading...but ended up just staring at clouds. It was glorious. Nice cool breeze...wisps of clouds that looked vaguely like animals...perfect.

Getting your mind blown...

Have you ever learned something that absolutely blew your mind? I mean really just totally took you by surprise and kapow! you were never the same? This happens to me sometimes, and I absolutely love it when it happens. It comes from school, stuff I read, even stuff that I see on TV. Honestly, it doesn't take much...but getting a new fact that I think is amazing is something that makes my life infinitely better. Recently it's been Physics that has blown my mind...but History always does...you know me. Examples? Sure. Did you know that around 1485, the Portuguese visited the Kongo? Their leaders became so linked to Portugal that they converted to Catholicism, spoke Portuguese, and even took Portuguese names. In 1688, the Kongolese king was named Jao...which I'm fairly certain is like "John" in Portugal. Pretty cool huh? Another example...the relative size of the universe. Watch that video and try to keep your mind in place. Oops. You can't. It was just blown apart by the sheer awesomeness of science. Take that brain.

Michael Jordan - the rest of the time...

I mean...6 championships. 6. Want to know what that looks like? About like this...

So yeah...I know that you know that MJ is amazing. I just wanted to reiterate how much he does not suck. And as an added bonus...here's a little gem you may or may not remember. I just want to point out that those fries and that big mac would be cold and soggy by the time that competition was over...

Seacrest, out.

Things that Suck

Good evening Tyler,

It's that time of the week once again. It feels weird being so regular with my blog posts (insert some kind of poop/fiber/regularity joke here). Here's a piping hot (again, poop joke) "things that suck" list.


Latisse/Brooke Shields - Y'know, I had a lot of respect for Brooke Shields after that whole Tom Cruise debacle. She was really a great voice of hope for people who were suffering from postpartum depression, and helped prove that Tom Cruise is absolutely insane. However, about a year ago everything went downhill. I was watching TV one day and saw a commercial for Latisse, the "first and only FDA approved eyelash growth treatment." Latisse is probably the most vain medical treatment to ever come out of the western world. I mean seriously! A gooey substance that you apply to your eyes so that you can have longer eyelashes? This is the kind of shit that makes me lose hope for the world. And now Brooke Shields is their go-to girl. What happened to your dignity Brooke? Perhaps you never had it. Or is "loss of dignity" a side-effect of Latisse?


NBC - I'm pretty sure everyone is with me on this one, even those freak-a-zoid "Leno people." The disrespect that has been shown towards Conan O'Brien is despicable. He's the host of the Tonight Show... One of the most successful shows NBC has ever had, and their going to risk it all only 7 months after he's been hosting just because Leno's prime-time ratings tanked? If it weren't for Tina Fey and Conan O'Brien, NBC would be at FOX level right now. And let's think about the new time slots they've decided on, 11:35 for Leno and 12:05 for Conan? That's not the Tonight Show, that's the Next Morning Show. No logical, job-possessing human being is going to stay up until 12:05 to watch an hour of television. NBC, you suck.


Michael Jordan from 1994 to 1995 - Why '94 to '95 you ask? In case you forgot, this was the year Michael Jordan played baseball for the Birmingham Barons, a Chicago White Sox farm team, and everyone in America said, "What the hell? Is that Michael Jordan?" Thankfully, MJ went back to basketball and gained some respect back (but lost a little more when he played for the Wizards... Hey we can't all be Brett Favre).


Dick Cheney - Keeping it political, as always, Cheney is definitely on this list. When searching google for pictures I found this article from Huffington Post. I consider myself an intelligent person. And I like to think that I can pick up on metaphors and analogies pretty easily, but what the shit is Cheney talking about?! "He seems to think that if he gets a haircut, we won't be at war with the terrorists," said Cheney. "He seems to think that if he walks into a Super Cuts, and asks for #2 clippers, that there's no problem in letting the masterminds behind 9/11 sit in court and be tried. He seems to think that if he asks his barber for some talcum powder to brush along his neck to relieve himself of the normal razor burns, that closing Guantanamo bay is perfectly fine. Well you know what, Mr. Obama, I don't think getting a haircut is such a good idea." I'm willing to listen to interpretations as to what this means, but if someone leaves a comment defending Cheney's statement I am going to have a heyday fighting back. Dick Cheney has done nothing but talk since he left Washington, and much like his crazy counterpart Sarah Palin, he has said nothing logical or beneficial. I think that's what kills me most, the people opposed to the president are doing a lot of talking, but nothing they've said has been productive (either to their own cause or the president's). Dick Cheney, you Dr. Strangelove-ian freak, you suck. so. much.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - I know DJ made the list several weeks ago, but he's back on. For all those that argued for Dwayne, I give you exhibit A:


'Nuff said.