in which i confess my love of alternative histories

Good evening, Clint.

It seems I will be posting first this week because, as you put it..."I'm in Paris. What do you think?" So, on my way home from my brother's wedding this weekend in Las Vegas I purchased a book: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It was written by the same guy who wrote (rewrote?) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Seth Graeme-Smith). Without giving anything away, because you WILL want to read it, it is exactly what it sounds like...the adventures of Abraham Lincoln hunting vampires.

Presumably with the help of his steam punk brethren.

I absolutely devoured the book in the span of about a day and a half. It was a quick, engrossing read that I found myself totally wrapped up in. As I sat the book down earlier tonight, I realized something about myself that is both awesome and totally nerdy. I love alternative histories. I love everything about them. Especially when the author or creator pays attention to details. Great alternative histories are always slightly believable...even possible. I should note that I realize that vampires do not exist (that one's worth watching...if just for the ridiculousness), nor do zombies. However, it's the world that is created by these people is just so intriguing! So I have decided to list my favorite alternative histories for you today.

SIDEBAR: I don't really like to do the whole spoiler thing, but I also want to for real discuss these movies/video games/novels. So...if you don't want to be surprised, don't read them.

1. Inglourious Basterds

I love this movie. Tarantino has tension down to a science. That being said, this whole thing is incredible to me because I didn't know that it was going to be an alternate history. I had no idea the ending would go the way that it would. Literally up to the moment the movie ended, I kept wondering how they were going to finish the movie in keeping with the historical events surrounding them and then...BOOM! U turn. So epic. I mean basically cutting off the head of Hitler with a machine gun was a stroke of genius. Also, the idea of a group of commandos doing horrible things to Nazis appeals to my violent, vengeful, teenage boy side. Which is there (hence the video games). There are some interesting actual operations in Germany that are interesting...like Operation Cornflakes (which is real according to Wikipedia). This consists of blowing up a train full of mail and then dropping propaganda into the bombed out train and tricking the German mail service into delivering said propaganda which was disguised as German mail. Awesome.

2. Assassin's Creed (1 & 2)

And boom goes the dynamite.

So, video game jokes aside...this is actually an awesome story. Ever since the whole Dan Brown magical mythtery tour (that's right, mythtery) people have had a fascination with conspiracy theories involving the Knights Templar. I have strong opinions about the whole DaVinci Code/Angels & Demons thing, but that's a post for another time. The story of Assassin's Creed involves Templars as well, but this time it's more palatable...at least for me. The stage is set in the middle of the Crusades where there is a hidden battle going on between two actual groups in the Holy Land at that time: the Knights Templar and the Hashashin. This you know, but the actual setting of the story is the near future where the war between the Templars and the "Assassins" as they are now called is still going on. There's all sorts of awesome historical connections they make and actually bring some real people into the story. The first game is kinda weak on the historical side of things and they overlook a couple of things (like giving King Richard the Lionheart a French accent...). However, the second game does a really great job of incorporating really awesome little facts, like placing Leonardo DaVinci in Venice, Florence, and Milan at certain points in his life. Also cool are the things that they describe happening because of these things called "pieces of Eden". These are shown as powerful instruments that can give aid to those who use them...it's the orb that Queen Elizabeth I holds in her portrait, it's the sword that Joan of Arc carried into battle, the staff that Moses carries, etc. It is always intriguing to envision a world that was shaped by some kind of mysterious force acting through powerful objects and all that (hence the Indiana Jones movies) and the idea of some kind of secret war between two ancient groups has always fascinated us (hence the Underworld movies). You really need to make sure that you play the games to understand the whole story (or you could just read the Wikipedia article). I recommend the game.

3. World War Z & The Zombie Survival Guide

But more so World War Z. This is the single greatest novel I have ever read. From the structure of the interviews to the different voices that he is able to give his characters...just fantastic. The idea behind the novel is that there has been an earth shattering Zombie uprising that has almost annihilated the entire planet. A reporter has been sent to try and get as many people's stories and opinions on the struggle as he can. The result is a depiction of an epidemic that consumes humanity and hope and then the struggle to regain that hope and defeat the evil that has almost destroyed the world. The way that it is written makes it easy to accept that this happened 5 years ago...that we are still cleaning up and healing from this near apocalypse. Through this examination of the zombie war, he is able to capture humanity almost perfectly. The fear, pride, strength, and foolishness that we all possess becomes the canvas on which he can paint his masterpiece. When you get back from Ireland, you are reading this book and we are talking about it. The guy that directed Quantum of Solace is directing the film version. I'm tempted to never see it because I love the book so much...but I probably will...because of this concept art...

"I repeat, damaging the brain or removing the head..."

Just what I was thinking about...

PS-Clint you only have a short while before I will inflict punishment on you...and I don't think you want to know what that punishment will be.

The Confessional Booth

Good morning Tyler,

First, let's address your question: who is my favorite photographer and a specific image they produced. I don't hold it against you, but I hate this question. There are so many amazing photographers out there, and I'm always discovering new ones. It's difficult to decide. For a long time it was Annie Leibovitz, but then she decided to stop making good images. I believe, of the "legendary" photographers, my favorite would have to be Richard Avedon. This man captured the essence of beauty, reality, truth and was a master of the art. My favorite photograph that he produced is, currently, this one:


Not only because this photo is absolutely beautiful, but because the story behind it reminds me that Avedon was no more human than I am and was always struggling with the craft. Avedon took this photo, it shook the fashion world, and Avedon was not pleased. He claimed that the photo was ruined because the woman's white sash should have been flowing the other direction (to our right). The photo reminds me that, even in the most beautiful image there is always room for improvement.

Now for your question, sir: you're allowed to watch only Spongebob Squarepants episodes for an entire year or listen to only Avril Lavigne albums for 8 months, which would you choose? Explain.

And finally, I've decided to start a new string of posts that, I think, will keep our readers entertained and also make me sound like a complete fool. With this post, I will list things that people do not know about me or I have done my damnedest to conceal from general knowledge. So here it goes, my first confession:

-I have no idea what the plot of Fiddler on the Roof is... I know it involves Jews.
-I still cannot successfully say the phrase, "6 in 1, half dozen in the other."
-It took me a few years to actually figure out what that phrase meant.
-I don't know the rules of basketball.
-I hate it when people send me YouTube videos and tell me I "have to watch this."
-I hate Twitter with every fiber of my being.
-I am addicted to Twitter.
-I have a socially destructive fear of clowns.
-I found Little Miss Sunshine annoyingly proud of itself.
-The first CDs I ever owned were the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys.
-I once did not shower for 6 days straight.
-I used teeth whitening strips when I was 16... I don't regret it.
-When I worked at Chicken Nick's, I would talk to the Mexican cooks with a Mexican accent. It didn't help.
-I got up at 4 am and waited in line for the iPhone 3G in 2008.

Forgive me friends, I made a fool of myself.

Time's Up, Let's Do This...

Good evening, Clint.

I figured that you would hate that question. I view the "what's your favorite time period of history" question the same way. Ah well...I like that image a lot though, so well done. Now for the important stuff.

Let me answer your question with another question: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Sponge. Bob. Square. Pants.

That's right. I would rather watch nothing but Spongebob Squarepants (who shall be called SBSP for the remainder of the post) for an entire year than listen to nothing but Avril Lavigne for 8 months. This says two things about me: a. how much I hate Avril Lavigne and b. how much more I care about music than TV. I would so much rather be sitting listening to my favorite music and reading a book or sitting on the internet than watching TV. On the other hand, I also really enjoy TV. And I should probably begin the confessions by saying that I do, in fact, enjoy SBSP. I like the theme song (which you probably didn't look at even though I linked it) which is delightfully catchy. I think that the silly stupid humor reminds me of "Ren and Stimpy" which I thought was, again, silly and stupid. You know me pretty well and just trust me, SBSP is just my style. In case you were wondering what the whole deal is...check out the SBSP movie...on whose soundtrack you will find music by such hipstars as Wilco, the Flaming Lips, Motorhead, and, your favorite, Ween. So all in all, easy choice. Thanks for that one.

And now about your confessionals...

Sorry, not the dashboard kind...

I wasn't sure if you wanted me to confess as well...so I'll just comment on some of yours and maybe admit some as well...

Fiddler on the Roof is a great musical and I suggest that you do go and watch it at some point. If you don't care for musicals (and you don't seem like the kind that would) here's the wikipedia entry on the film version. I personally love it. But that leads to my first confession...I love musicals and show tunes. But is that really a surprise to anyone?

As for the saying...you know that your dad can't do that either. It's mildly hilarious. "When in Rome..."

I understand hating the whole youtube thing. I rarely do that when people suggest things for me. On a related note, I never listen to music that people suggest for me. I don't really know why, I just can't for some reason...I have some thing about finding it on my own.

I still know all the words to Backstreet Boys songs...never owned the cds, but I knew all the words. *sigh*

Lastly, I have never understood the standing in a huge line at a God-awful hour to spend an unbelievable amount of money. Whether it's concert tickets or Harry Potter or the Jesus phone, I'm just not that excited about anything. I mean I waited for a couple of YEARS for Modern Warfare 2, and I didn't go to the midnight release, I just bought it when I had a minute. So yeah...can't really agree with you there. (Yeah, yeah...I love video games...a little too much).

So let me know if you want me to take part in the embarrassment as well or whatever...also, I got a haircut that requires gel in its upkeep. Too much? I'll stop.

I realize that we have much to talk about, Clint. Let's do that.

Mr. Sulu...take us in.

in which I get two cavities filled by someone I knew in high school...

Good morning, Clint.

It is a delightfully sunny day here in Nashville, Tennessee, home of the Whopper. Today is Teacher Appreciation Day at school, so I thought I would send some of that appreciation your way in the form of a new blog activity...or blogtivity(...I'm sorry). We both have very specific realms of knowledge and experience, so I thought we could use that to both entertain and educate. Every week we should ask each other a question and the other can answer in his next blog post. Sound good? So my first question to you is...who is your favorite photographer and what is the image of his or hers that is your favorite? I know that's like asking me who my favorite historian is, but I say you must choose! I saw an article on NPR about some photos that Ansel Adams took for the Department of the Interior and they are absolutely incredible! So let's start this thing...it'll be great. Trust me.

SIDEBAR: Are you checking what's on these links? Some of this is comic GOLD!

Ya know...like Carlos Mencia...(I was going to use Carrot Top...but do yourself a favor and don't google image Carrot Top...ugh)

So now onto the meat of my entry. Yesterday, I got two cavities filled. Which is, of course, miserable. I don't like any part of the dental work process. This stems from the simple fact that I don't like having other people's hands in my mouth...which, I think, is fairly reasonable.

Uht? Uh cuss uh een ahing...(why do they always wait to talk to you until you have your mouth full...)

This is all beside the point, though. The dental assistant (though I'm not sure this is her appropriate title...sorry to dental professionals everywhere) that was handing the different instruments of torture to the dentist was a girl I went to high school with. This has happened a couple of times to me, and I began thinking as I lay there, breathing deeply on the gas, praying that it wouldn't take very long, about how as my classmates and I have passed into adulthood, we are going to be in some interesting situations as employers, employees, service providers, service consumers, etc. Other than the fillings, I have rented a car, bought a pair of running shoes, made an appointment at the eye doctor, taught with, been served at a restaurant, and rented a room at a hotel to friends or acquaintances from high school. Part of this regularity comes from the fact that I live in Nashville. I see these people all the time because most of them stayed here. My thoughts about this are mostly just societal. I mean...how does one approach these situations? Here are my thoughts...and as I am apparently an anal retentive blogger...broken down in sections.

1. Serving: So what happens when you are serving someone at a restaurant or hotel or wherever you may be working and that person is an acquaintance from high school. If it was a friend, it would be easy! "Oh it's been so long!", "How are you!?", etc. But with an acquaintance...is it appropriate to be like "Hey, did you go to BHS?" knowing full well that both of you know that you did. Does that help the service to be better or does it make a business lunch or, God forbid, a first date super awkward?

Bill? Yeah, he used to wear this Babylon 5 shirt EVERYDAY! So, would you like to start with some appetizers?

2. Being served: Is it appropriate to even mention that you know dude/dudette from high school? I mean...sitting in the midst of my graduation looking out over the crew that was about to go on to college or whatever else, one kind of assumes that people had dreams and desires, and I think I can say, honestly, that I didn't think anybody was like "I can't wait to be a full time waiter at Chili's". And yet, here we are...grabbing a quick bite after church with A-train and Special K and all of a sudden, WHAM! High school. I just don't want someone to feel like crap cause they came to work and some dude from high school who is not in the service industry is like "oh...didn't know you were working here...still..." It's like that scene from that cinematic masterpiece Waiting... where the guy's high school buddy comes in and then gives him a huge tip cause "it looked like you needed it." Yeesh! Now this is all assuming that someone might not be so proud of what they are doing at said job. I also focus on the food service industry because that seems like the most common overlap. So who knows...

But here is the ultimate. Someday...I will(probably) teach the child of someone I knew from high school. Or maybe even a friend. I do not look forward to this. Relationships between teachers, students, and parents are complex enough, but adding more baggage is not ideal. And I know I have friends that would like me to teach their kids, and I would be happy to do it...but it makes me nervous. In effect, I am the waiter that loves his job. I am now serving your family in the most direct of ways. I am helping to RAISE your child! Teaching them how to think and learn. That is intense. It's like camping...(get it?!)

I will say, though, that my personal experiences with these meetings have been pretty positive. It's kinda nice to meet up with people and all of them seem really happy about what they're doing. Like yesterday, the girl at the dentist really loves working on teeth. And, yes, she acknowledged that it was weird, but hey, it makes her happy and she seemed to be doing really well. So yeah, it's awkward, but who cares?

So this is what I've been thinking as the high pitched whine of the drill on my teeth reverberates through my skull. That, and the answers to questions on Cash Cab.

Ben Bailey: hosts a game show while driving a cab in NYC...baller.

in which I discuss traveling and my apparent laziness...

Good afternoon, Clint.

I accept my punishment. But four times in three days? REALLY!? You better hope you don't forget to post...cause I will destroy you. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND, ALWAHAB! Yeah, I'll tone it down.

I've been traveling a lot lately and so it has been on my mind. It concerns me a lot. Actually, concerned is probably not the correct word, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. There are a couple of reasons why I'm uncomfortable with traveling...so let's explore my irrational ridiculousness.

First, I just don't like flying. I realize that this is a stupid thing for me to not like. My brother is a pilot. It takes less time and is safer than driving. I can sit and read or listen to my music. It's really the only kind of transportation that makes sense if you're trying to get anywhere in the world. However, here are my issues. Airport security is annoying. Shoes off? Awesome. Belt too? Sure. Oh...my wallet? Keys? Take out the laptop? Wait...why did I bother packing or dressing? Yes...I do tolerate this to make sure that I survive the flight, and I am impressed with the streamlining that has been done. It's still annoying. Planes are also unpredictable. They just drop, bump, or whatever. It's always unsettling. This probably comes from my lack of control over the aircraft. But still. Good things about flying? I dunno...I always get excited about it. It's an event. And there's just nothing quite like coming off the plane to see people you know waiting for you.

Ya know...just like the press was waiting for President Ford. (Sorry, I had to.)

Second, traveling is just uncomfortable. It throws off my schedules...ya know: eating, sleeping...among other things. I just feel uncomfortable constantly. It's not really that horrible, but I just get thrown off. Take for instance the trip I recently took to Vegas and Utah. First of all, I'm two hours behind what I normally am...which doesn't sound like much, but it just is! I hit the ground running and it was a total blast. However, I ate at weird hours like 2 pm or 7 pm...went to bed at like 4 am central time...you can see how that would make me feel uncomfortable.

Now, I really do enjoy traveling. I get to see really cool stuff and often meet really cool people. But sometimes, I'd just rather be sitting on the couch playing video games or just letting myself slip into unconsciousness while watching Futurama. Ah well...

So one last parting shot this entry. I'm reviewing for a test with my kids and this was a great exchange:

Me: "Define communism"

Kid: "OBAMA!"

Deuces.

Return of the Things that Suck

Good afternoon,

Okay WTFballs Tyler?! I know you still have computer access cause I talk to you on gchat all the time. Yet there is no blog post? I mean, we gotta step it up if we're going to outshine Austin Huff and his sports cronies over at Korked Bats. They just got an article in the Tennessean! They just gained like, another 40 site hits! This will not stand!

I was lenient last time, but this insolence will not stand! Your punishment is this sir: you must watch The Butterfly Effect four (4) times in three (3) days. So let it be written, so let it be done. You must document your viewing each time, and I trust Amber to be the impartial mediator here and verify that you did, in fact, watch the film 4 times in 3 days.

So now let's get down to business: things that suck.


Ricky Martin - Thanks for telling the world what we already knew, Ricky. I'm sure you are a great inspiration to gay men stuck in the closet... If they work hard and sing about shaking bon bons and wooing senoritas for enough years, they too can one day come out of the closet.


The Office: Season 6 - The television show has proven that people don't like working at offices for a reason. They're boring, just like the long running story lines of season 6. Pam is a bitchy mother, the Andy/Erin relationship is so comically annoying that it's actually just annoying, and Kathy Bates should stick to breaking James Caan's legs. Honestly, unless there is some major transformation that doesn't involve the threat of the office being shut down or Dwight disavowing Michael, I think it's all downhill from here.


Jay Leno - I'm still pissed.


Hershey's Chocolate - Not only because it's from Pennsylvania (and everyone from Pennsylvania thinks they are the greatest human beings alive), but because compared to the chocolate I'm having here in Dublin... Hershey's is pure shit. There's no going back for me. I'm looking into a monthly shipment deal. Highly lucrative, completely illegal.


John Yoo - Read about him here. He's the reason lawyers get such a bad rap. I hear satan is looking into hiring him as his personal consigliere.

There you have it. Oh and Tyler, you have one week to complete your punishment. Don't let me (or our 6 readers) down.

Only Stupid People?

Good morning Tyler,

Let's set a few things straight. You didn't blog. And the laws of the blog (and according to Bob Loblaw's Law Blog) dictate that you be punished for this heinous crime. The only problem is... I didn't blog either. My excuse is that I'm in Europe and we don't do anything in a timely manner. Nonetheless, punishment should be rightly enforced. Unless you wanna call a truce? Just think about it.


In the meantime, for our readers' sake, I'd like to talk about my trip to England. I'm currently sitting in the home of my good friends, the Farishes, in Northeast England. And believe it or not, coming from Ireland to England has actually been a culture shock. It's hard to describe why or how the two nations are so different, but when I came here it definitely felt different. I'm terrified at how bad my reverse culture shock will be when I get back to America. I think the best thing about coming to England though is all the questions. Upon my arrival, one of Michael's housemates asked me: "I know this might be a stupid question, but do you have the TV show 'Friends' back in America?"

You mean the TV show with all the Americans in it? Yeah... Yeah we've got that. We're only on season 4 though. Other questions have included:

-So in America, do you have donuts every morning for breakfast?
-You don't have cold water in the South, do you?
-Have you seen that guy that makes all the food?
-Do you have taxis in America?

And my personal favorite: "Are you the famous Clint Alwahab?" That's right, someone actually asked me if I was the famous Clint Alwahab. I've got to say, it's a great/ego exploding feeling when someone asks you that. He asked that because he said he always saw all his friends on Facebook talking to me on my wall. Thanks Facebook!

Now, this whole stupid question thing doesn't work just one way. Michael's visits to America have included questions such as: "Do you have water in England?" and "What language do you speak in England?" Where did we go wrong? When did we stop using our brains? When did we start forgetting where Europe is? I guess the bright side to all of this is that we're asking questions and we're curious about different cultures... Right?