Things That Suck

Hello Tyler,

I've been thinking about this for a few days (actually for about 3 minutes but it sounds better if I say a few days) so I think my opinion is completely well thought out. Now, I'm a very tolerant person and am pretty accepting of different cultures, ideologies, theologies, and Ryan Adams's constantly changing hairstyles. However, there are a few things I do not like. I'm pretty sure this list will hit home for a lot of folks, but I'm also pretty sure this list will piss off a lot of people. Here it is, my things-that-suck list:


Nickelback - I don't think I need to go into great detail on this one. I mean it's Nickelback. This band is the reason why frat brothers have never heard of bands like Pixies or Wilco, and I'm pretty sure they're the reason teen pregnancies in abstinence-only cultures have increased (I hear Sarah Palin loves Nickelback).


Seth MacFarlane - Now hear me out, I enjoy Family Guy and am actually watching it right now as I type this out. But Seth MacFarlane is a first class douchebag. Sure he has funny jokes and Stewie is hilarious, but his monopoly over the Fox network (which isn't saying much, I might add) is ridiculous. The only reason he is successful is because of the Simpsons and now I hear people saying that Family Guy is better than The Simpsons! This is simply absurd. And let's not forget how often MacFarlane rails on Fox for their shitty programming. SUNDAY NIGHT IS SETH MACFARLANE NIGHT. The douchebag has his own "almost live" sketch show now... You are your own pathetically cynical joke, sir.


Tea Partiers - Let's not pussyfoot around here: tea partiers are idiots. Now I don't mean everyone who believes in protesting the current administration, I mean the people who show up to these protests with signs like "Jesus is our king" and "Obama is a socialist fascist". Not only are their personal theological beliefs and political ideals desperately confused, they are inspired by Glenn Beck. Which leads me to my next thing that sucks...


Glenn Beck - This American disgrace was actually arguing on his CNN program a few years ago that the American health care system was in absolute shambles. But when he gets a program on Fox Noise, all of a sudden he is anti everything-except-white-rich-people. Tea partiers are eating up every word Glenn Beck says, and that is why they (and Glenn Beck) suck.


Snuggies - I'm starting to believe the government really does lace our tap water with something because snuggies are actually becoming accepted by the masses. Snuggie owner: DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE WEARING? You literally look like you are one cup of kool-aid away from being taken back up to the mothership. "But Clint, they're so... so... SNUGGLY!" My response to that is my recent conversation with a snuggie owner:
Snuggie owner, "But what am I supposed to do when I'm cold?"
Me, "Get a blanket!"
Snuggie owner, "But then if I want to get up I'll be cold!"
Me, "Boo - friggin - hoo. Grow a pair and get up like the entire history of mankind has done."
I just hope that our culture realizes how ridiculous snuggies are and I hope they realize it soon. Snuggies will undoubtedly be on VH1's "I love the '00s" and everyone will laugh at how stupid people in snuggies looked.

Thus concludes my first series of things that suck. I hope you enjoyed/were offended.

Steampunk!? What the hell is that!?

Happy Halloween, Clint.

Steampunk. I mean, honestly, I have no time for more social groups/genres! It was hard enough in high school to get all this stuff straight. Goth, emo, jock, prep, nerd, punk, stoner, mallrat, etc. All groups/genres I am familiar with. I understand that when you describe someone as "preppy" there will most likely be J. Crew involved (no problems with J. Crew though...corporate sponsor? no? okay, moving on...). However, at some point, these groups began to change. There was the emergence of the "nerdcore" movement. I still have no idea what that means, but I imagine that it looks something like the members of the band Harry and the Potters...or Napoleon Dynamite. Really, I guess I should have known that there would be newer and weirder groups to arise. Like the mythical hydra...remove one head, two spring up in its place.

I don't know what's more scary, the hydra or the tiny piece of cloth that stands between us and Hercules' "labors".

However, "steampunk" fascinates me. Firstly, because I hadn't heard of it until tonight, and secondly, because people are so into it. But what is "steampunk"? Like all children whose parents wanted them to be literate and therefore actually told them what a dictionary is and how to use it, I looked it up...on urbandictionary.com.

" 1. Steampunk is a subgenre of speculative fiction, usually set in an anachronistic Victorian or quasi-Victorian alternate history setting. It could be described by the slogan "What the past would look like if the future had happened sooner." It includes fiction with science fiction, fantasy or horror themes.

Medieval Steampunk: Speculative fiction set during the Middle Ages.
Victorian Steampunk: A modern Science Fiction work (post-1930s) that is set in the early parts of the industrial revolution.

Western Steampunk: Science fiction set in the American Old West.
Industrial/Modern Steampunk: Science fiction taking place in the late industrial age, early modern age; i.e. World War 1, World War 2

2. A lifestyle choice, wherein the participants embrace deliberate anachronism and quasi-anachronism as seen in steampunk fiction. Often characterized by modifying one's electronic gadgets to make them look a century out-of-date."

Thank you, urbandictionary.com. The idea is almost awesome. Why, yes, I do like to imagine that I'm a space cowboy...or even just living in an 19th century England that knew leaches were not good for you when you're sick. However, it gets a little more interesting when you read that second definition: "A lifestyle choice...embrace deliberate anachronism...make [gadgets] look a century out-of-date." ...WHAT!? I should say that the note after this definition said that there was a clear separation from "steampunk" and reenactors...mostly because reenactors have jobs. I'm kidding...reenactors don't have jobs. (haHA!)

Now, I'm really not sure that I'm against this (again, space cowboy). I mean, who doesn't love Firefly? Obviously you couldn't do this all the time, but I guess it's kinda like LARPing with a gun that is made out of clock parts. And honestly? It looks kinda cool...I mean, I totally would have been friends with these kids in high school (and probably now too...let's just get real with ourselves here). The thing that really gets me interested in this whole thing is the steampunk Star Wars movement. I mean, c'mon, you know how I feel about Star Wars.

I'm getting this tattooed on my back as we speak.

So I guess I should say that I'm sold. I mean, I'm not going to be donning a top hat and monocle, whilst hunting evil robots anytime soon. Let's look at what a nerdy young person could be doing: D&D? LARPing? World of Warcraft? All very much on the fringe...all kinda frowned upon by regular society. However, of all the things that are weird and out there...this one speaks to me. I mean...if I can mix Blade Runner and Rio Bravo how is that not awesome!? Yeah I can't think of any way either! So let's give the steampunks a chance...

PS - If you want more star wars steampunk stuff...look at Marcel E. Mercado's blog...That's where I got the cool Luke print.

All Hallow's (paganevilsatanisticbloody) Eve

Hello Tyler,

I'm not sure what the weather is like in Tennessee, but here in God's Country it's been abysmal (endlessly rainy). I suppose it's only good preparation for my semester in Dublin. I find the weather, as well as the approaching (evil and satanic) holiday fitting to the subject of my post however. I have become obsessed with scary movies.

As you know, my home in Tennessee is literally in the middle of the woods and looks like the setting for every single horror film ever made. Distant neighbors, dilapidated shacks, blood sucking vampires, it's got everything! So for the past 21 years of my life, I've never even come close to watching scary movies. The only "scary" movie I watched when I was a kid was Scream and that was because it was playing at a friend's house (in childhood, that's a scary movie). It wasn't until last Halloween that I actually began to embrace scary movies. I watched The Shining and fell in love. Not only did that film cement my love affair with Stanley Kubrick films, but it also put the thought in my head that maybe this whole scary movie thing ain't such a bad gig.

The other major contributor to my new obsession is my Folklore in Film class. That's right, I'm in a class that talks about urban legends and then we watch movies about zombies, ghosts and birthing the child of Satan (Rosemary's Baby). So this evening, I rented the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the remake of The Hills Have Eyes (having watched the original two nights ago). As of right now, my obsession with scary films is going strong, however, I'm thinking the true test of my fascination will be over Thanksgiving break when I return home and have to walk from my car to the front door in the middle of the night.

On another note, what are you doing for Halloween? I'm not sure yet, but I'm sure it will be something debaucherous and condemned in the eyes of Pat Robertson. Hey! Maybe I should be Pat Robertson? No... Too scary.

No Pants Tweets, Harrison Ford, and Nathan Fillion

Good evening, Clint.

I thought I would start with something for you, since the rest of this post will probably not really interest you at all. What, pray tell, is a "no pants tweet"? Is it just a tweet that was made in which you have no pants on? Can you be wearing shorts and make a "npt"? Can you call it a "npt"? I have questions. Well if it is, in fact, just a tweet in which you are sans pantalons...then this is a no pants blog post (npbp). You're welcome.

Can you imagine what it must be like to be Harrison Ford? You have played the President of the United States that kicks terrorists' asses, an adventure seeking archaeologist who has discovered the two greatest Judea-Christian artifacts that (may or may not have) ever existed, and, of course, a fortune-seeking smuggler with a heart of gold that was instrumental in toppling an evil and tyrannical empire (TWICE!). You're a bad ass. Bad. Ass.

BADDEST. ASS.

Finally, Nathan Fillion. Nathan Fillion is the best thing that has ever come out of Canada. EVER. I'm serious. I have now watched him in two different shows (Firefly and Castle) and also Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and the dude is just incredible. Anyway...enough gushing. Go watch the shows.

Like I said...funny.

I should probably say that I was originally going to talk about Joss Whedon...but I found this instead. I think that it probably sums up what watching Whedon shows is really like. Yeesh.

I think that this should probably do something to find out what kind of people read the blog...NERDFIGHTERS!

...huh?

...anybody?

...no?

Good talk.

A Tie? What are we European?

Good evening Tyler,

I promise my next post will not pertain to sports, but this one most certainly does. From the look of your team's performance, you are probably not in the best of moods to talk about fantasy football (Jeff killed you). I don't know if you've checked the league scoreboard, but my game against my good friend Stephen (known in our fantasy league as STL Rolodexes) has come to a bit of a stalemate.



As you can see from the screen capture above... It's a dead tie. I was trailing by a solid 30 points this morning, but after tonight's Philadelphia/Washington game, we're at a standstill. Let's just say, both of us are less than pleased. I need this win to take a commanding lead in first place (with the win I will be 5-2). Steve needs the win because well... His team sucks (sorry man). Call me ignorant or call me Donovan McNabb, but can you actually tie in fantasy football? To me, it just seems counterproductive to the whole idea of winning. I understand it in soccer and cherish that sport, but in American football? We play for keeps. I suppose the predictions box was actually true this time:



Just for my own sake, I'm going to rub it in Steve's face that he could have easily won this game:



As you can see, Steve should have played Vernon Davis instead of Tony Gonzalez. If he had done that he would have destroyed my team yesterday! Shame Steve... Real shame.

I'm hoping that this situation will right itself tomorrow morning when final points are decided, but if this game turns out to be a tie, I am going to be thoroughly pissed.

A Titanic Season Boys!

Good morning Tyler,

I haven't been up this early on a Friday in quite some time. As I sit in a lovely little cafe and enjoy my breakfast burrito and coffee (don't judge me), I can only think of one thing to blog about: where the hell did the Tennessee Titans go and who is wearing their uniforms on Sundays now? I mean seriously! 0-6? ZERO AND SIX?

Of course I guess it's only fair, this time last year we were 6-0 and were wondering, "Where the hell did the Tennessee Titans go and who is wearing their uniforms on Sundays now". But this time it just sucks. I wasn't terribly upset with the loss to the Steelers because technically we should have won and the overtime system in the NFL is a load of bullshit. Week 2, however, left me in complete shock. The Texans?! Is this a cruel joke? I was able to bounce back from that game because we do have the eventual slip up against them. I wasn't confident about the Jets game because I think Mark Sanchez is going to be a legendary quarterback and he's already proving me right. Then we had the Jaguars... I mean come on! It's the freaking Jacksonville Jaguars! They've dominated us like the jaguar population has dominated the greater Jacksonville metropolitan area! After that game, I am not ashamed to admit that my Titans jersey was stowed away in my under-the-bed-stow-away-device (I really wanted to say "stow away"). After 4 weeks of nothing but abysmal football playing, I honestly expected nothing from weeks 5 and 6 (Colts and Pats). And that's literally what I got from the Pats game... Nothing. Zero points scored.

At least for the first 5 weeks I was able to lightly push it off because the Chiefs still didn't have a win, but even they won! Now I can't even relate to my Chiefs friends, and I most certainly shall not associate with Rams fans. I refuse to drink that kool-aid. What surprises me even more is that the Washington Redskins head coach, Jim Zorn, is under more pressure from his general manager than any of our coaching staff for losing 4 games. At least you've won a couple games! Count your blessings Vinny Cerrato... COUNT THEM.

And so I go about my days here in Missouri, shyly admitting that I am a Titans fan. Last year? I was a proud Titans fan who could shove off any Rams fan's joke about the 34th Superbowl, but look at me now. Awake before noon and blogging in a cafe about the woes of being a sports fan from Nashville. The world is a cruel, cruel lover Tyler. And if there is one thing I want you to remember me saying, it is definitely that last sentence.


LenDale White, apparently in confusion, ran out onto the field yelling for the ball to be thrown to him. White showed up in full gear on a Thursday morning at the Indianapolis Colts's football stadium... This Sunday's game is in Nashville

STOLE YO COOKIES!!!

Good morning, Clint.

So...I was in the teacher workroom a moment ago. Often they have food out to be eaten by the teachers. This is usually a gift from a parent or one of the other teachers. Now as I look at this plate of cookies, I am confronted with a dilemma: How many do I take?

This is something that has always bothered me. The food is, most of the time, delicious. And I guess it should be noted that I usually have several cups of coffee for breakfast every morning. So come 3rd period (my planning period), I am starving! This is not just something limited to workroom cookies, though. This extends to basically anytime that someone offers you something.

For example, a paraphrased conversation between Amber and I at a wedding...

"That was really good..."

"Yeah, I know...I've never had that kind of BBQ before..."

"Really? Wow..."

"Yeah"

"..."

"..."

"...do you think we can get seconds?"

Do you see the problem? Something that is laid out for you, but the collective you...not just you personally. You're expected to take something from that plate or that bowl or whatever...it's almost an insult if you do not! I mean how would that parent/teacher feel if the cookies were all still there at the end of the day? But the issue is the line betwixt the grateful and the gluttonous (kinda like "the fast and the furious"...did you see what I did there? I know, I'm awesome). I don't want to be the guy that turns into Cookie Monster anytime anyone puts food out in the work room.

...that's good enough for me.

So, what's the rule on this? I'm going to call Raina this evening...but until then, I asked my 8th graders. Some choice quotes:

"Why does it matter...nobody knows who took the cookies..."

"Well why would you care about being polite..."

"Just leave one...why are you looking at me like that?"

...yeah.

So anyway, I just took two.

So yeah...I took two.