in which i make some harsh observations about a commercial.

2010-06-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Clint.

Since you seem to have too much time to blog, I thought that I would do so. And this week, I thought that I would tackle something that is dear to my heart: commercials. Now I understand the cheesiness that is necessary for marketing, but some of these commercials are just...well interesting.

So let's take this Chevy Equinox commercial.

Adorable, right? Yes. However, there is an underlying sadness that you have to acknowledge. What's that? You don't see it? Well let's take this piece by piece.

First, we say, "Oh! A scavenger hunt!" That is so cute that someone would do that for them. We even have a magnadoodle clue! Where do gummy bears hide? That is priceless! Dad is even on the hands free getting them excited for the trip. It's all very warm and fuzzy. Then all of a sudden it comes crashing down.

Where's Dad!?

The glaring unanswered question. Now, maybe they're moving and Dad has been there for awhile working already? No...they don't have any boxes. Maybe Dad had a conference and then continued on to the vacation locale? Maybe. But I'm afraid that the realities of this world in which we live have led me to one sad conclusion: It's Dad's weekend with the kids.

According to a Pew study, of the 2.3 million men that got married in 2008, 1.2 million of those men were divorced. Of the 2.2 million women, 1.3 million were divorced. That is a huge amount of the population. Now, I'm not going to comment on that. That's a choice that adults make. But it is clear that Chevy is marketing to this part of the population. Which makes sense...it's a big part of the population!

Hard to believe, I know.

The last line of the commercial is the thing that really drives it home: "It takes you farther, and brings you closer." I'm just sayin'.

Until next time, don't stop believin', Clint.

in which i talk about television...part one...

2010-05-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

Good evening, Clint.

As you will be winging your way home somewhere over that ridiculous volcano that's destroying commerce all over western Europe (I'm of course referring to Greece) I thought I would remind you why you miss the United States. I am not talking about our rights and privileges as citizens or our delightful melting pot of a cultural identity. I am talking about, you guessed it, television. As you are probably aware, my sister graduated from college this weekend. This meant that my entire family was together for the first time since my brother's wedding and as you are probably also aware, we speak almost entirely in references to movies. This time, however, I found myself in the midst of a conversation about the best television episodes ever...and couldn't really think of all of them on the spot. So now that I have had some time to reflect, I thought it would be a good idea to make my next list about my favorite episodes of TV. Ever.

Pictured: Greek economy.

I should probably also give a brief disclaimer about the two kinds of TV that I watch. I like really epic shows. Intense, involved themes...characters that engage in the kind of badassery that makes Rambo look like a kitten...and story arcs that make me forget to study for college finals (thanks a lot, Hub). This usually means that Joss Whedon is involved. Hear me out...you might actually like some of this. I also really love cheesy, yet hilarious comedy. The kind of stuff that makes milk come out of your nose, but other people think is stupid. So we'll discuss both...this is a two parter. First: EPIC TV!!!

4. Firefly - "Out of Gas"

Firefly was one on a very long list of shows that Fox crapped all over. They didn't show the episodes in order...which just kind of boggles my mind...but this of course led to everyone wondering who the hell these people are and why they're doing what they're doing...and then they stopped watching. Fox complained about low ratings and then cancelled the show. As I said, this happened to a LOT of Fox shows. This list actually includes Family Guy too. So don't think I'm just a fanboy...Fox has no idea what it has...

...much like NBC.

The show is basically a space western, and I'm sure that you're familiar with it. I don't know if you're a big sci-fi fan...you seem to be a little more into the Sopranos-esque stuff...but this show has everything, even up to the point that the physics in space are...moderately realistic. If you want to get a really good feel for the show just watch the first episode. (Thanks, Hulu!) Anyway, getting to the real meat and potatoes here, this particular episode serves a very important function. We find out about a lot of the characters and why they are on board the ship. We also find out what kind of person the enigmatic captain is. One of the beautiful things about Firefly is that the captain is this kind of Robin Hood figure...a criminal/smuggler/thief who has a heart of gold. Cliché, I know. However, Malcolm Reynolds (the captain) is not that character. He never goes all the way good or all the way bad. So you are kind of lost on your traditional view of the "good" bad guy. This episode also does something that I think is really awesome. If you watch the very first episode, the ship's mechanic mentions a part on the ship that is broken in passing, and you don't even notice it at first...and then WHAM it's the thing that causes this to happen 7 episodes later. I love it when things that happen in TV shows have actual consequences later on. I think a lot of action TV shows are like cartoons. You know what I mean...it's like the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons...oh, you just get crushed by a boulder several times and get up and are totally fine in the next scene? Yes you are.

SIDEBAR: How tall are those mountains anyway...he was falling for literally a mile...

These consequences make the show seem believable despite being completely and utterly fantastical and technologically impossible. That said...watch the episode that I found on the dubbadubbadubbaubeeeeeeee...

3. Kings - "Goliath"

If there is one thing that every show on this list has in common it's got to be a really good idea that was executed really well. This particular show is my exhibit "A". I'm sure that you have at least heard about this show as it was pretty critically acclaimed...although that usually means that nobody watched it. Which...in this case...is...pretty much the case. But the idea for the whole show was the Biblical story of David and his journey to become king. They took the story though and set it in a modern American kind of place. The thing that really makes the show is the attention to detail and the environment that is set up for the show...that...and Ian McShane as King Saul. I think that this show could have been really horrible...I mean trying to resurrect an old story can totally bomb if not done properly...

...it occurs to me that this is entirely too obscure...so if you get it, gold star.

I really like the idea of this whole show because it is updated and all that, but the core of the story is still there. You can still see the struggle of a young man trying to be the best he can be but still falling prey to the indiscretions and passions of youth (he says as a 26 year-old self-proclaimed old man) and the struggles of an old man in power trying to be the best that he can to make his country great, but falling prey to the temptations of this same power. Despite the obvious religious connotations, the show is tasteful and interesting and the first episode immediately hooked me in. So enjoy and thanks Hulu, you beautiful TV showin' website, you.

2. Life - "Pilot"

As I was looking through old episodes of shows that I am or have been totally obsessed with, I stumbled across this one again. Just a second ago I was trying to grab the embedding information for the episode of this show and I started watching for about 5 minutes until I remembered I was also posting. It's that good. Like I was saying about Kings, this show just has a really cool premise. Cop, busted for homicide, given life in prison, then exonerated after 11 years in prison and goes back to work! How could you be a cop after all that? Anyway, there's a lot about this show that I like. And one of them is definitely NOT how hot Sarah Shahi is...no sir...

SIDEBAR: She may or may not have been a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader...

All that aside, I personally think that Damien Lewis is a fantastic actor. He's British, but there's no hint of an accent when he does his American roles. You may remember him as Maj. Dick Winters from Band of Brothers which as you know, makes me cry like a little girl who has just lost her dolly every time I watch it.

There are only badasses in this picture.

But this show has just the right combination of the buddy cop comedy, action, and mystery that makes for a show I couldn't stop watching and probably won't. One of the greatest things about this show is this bad guy who comes in early and becomes a problem later. Like with Firefly, something that you think is going to be a one episode kinda thing, turns out to have real consequences later. Fortunately for all of us, the entire series (2 seasons) is on Hulu...so to quote Beck, "please enjoy. Hell yes." ...and less appropriately "got 2 turntables and a microphone..."

1. Deadwood - "Sold Under Sin"

Alas, there is no video for this one. However, if you want to watch it, I happen to have this season on DVD, which I recommend we watch whilst sipping some kind of whiskey. Amazingly, Deadwood is the only HBO series I have on here. I considered putting an episode from Rome up, but I think a selection of the different kinds of TV would be more suited. Also, I don't know if it's right to submit our reader (we have one right?) to the full brunt of my historical nerddom. So Deadwood is a western that takes place in Deadwood, which is in . This place is just ripe for a show because of the ridiculousness that takes place there. The time period itself is dramatic enough...post Civil War, expansionist America. The show picks up a week or so after Custer's last stand and as you may or may not be aware, the town of Deadwood was actually in indian territory OUTSIDE of the United States in the late 1800s. It's also the perfect time because some of the more notorious characters of the west show up in Deadwood at that time: Calamity Jane and Wild Bill Hickok to name a few. But getting back to the actual show, the thing that I like about it is this kind of interplay between two main characters: Seth Bullock (Timothy Olyphant) a retired Montana Marshal who just wants to settle down and start up a mercantile with his partner Sol and Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) the local saloon and house of ill repute owner and operator who is prone to cursing the existence of the local Sioux population. The show alternates the point of view between all the main characters, but all the important episodes hinge on the point of view of either Bullock or Swearengen and the last episode of the first season is from both of their perspectives and it is the best. The writers spent basically the entire season setting up the characters and conflict, and the tension between the characters comes to a head at the end of this episode. Clint, we're going to watch this if you haven't already. I have whiskey. Come over.

The mustaches in this show are just...beautiful.

I love these shows. And tomorrow, we will discuss the other shows that I love. The funny ones. Until then...be cool, kid, be cool.

Things that Suck

2010-05-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon Tyler,

I'll be back in the States in 7 days and I'm not going to lie to you: I'm scared. Not of flying or the Double Down, but of America. What the balls is going on over there?! Floods, oil spills, Arizona hates everyone, Justin Bieber, car bombs (what are you Belfast?), Keystone Lite. I literally don't know where to stop!

This week's list of things that suck isn't entirely about America though... I just wanted to let you know the reason why I'll be shaking uncontrollably and screaming at the traffic driving on the right side. I'm scared Tyler. I'm scared. In the meantime, here's a list of things that suck:

Those people on Facebook that comment on fan page posts - Obviously I don't mean our fans on Facebook, I love them and can't get enough of them (Seriously, invite more of your friends). I'm talking about the people that comment on the iTunes posts or the other big companies/news agencies posts. There are two types: 1) the dude that writes "first" like 2 seconds after the post has been made, and 2) the person that tries to actually comment on the subject as if they will become friends with Ryan Adams. Both of these kinds of people suck. Big time. Who the hell cares that you were the first to comment on a wall post? Seriously, how depressed and friendless do you have to be to sit around and write "first"? And the other person that leaves actual comments is just as sad and friendless.

People that misspell "ridiculous" - It's not REdiculous, it's RIdiculous. You can't repeat diculous. You can't go back and diculous again. Learn to write you morons.*

TeaPartyers who get offended at the term "teabaggers" - I read that the Tea Party Confederacy - I mean Nation - are asking that Obama apologize for calling them "teabaggers" in an interview last year. As long as that gaggle of angry white people are marching on Washington and calling everyone a Communist and shouting racial slurs at black senators, I'll stick with "teabagger".

Governor Jan Brewer - The Arizona governor that just signed Jim Crowe 2.0 into law in her state. I don't care what side of the aisle you're on, I don't care what skin color you are, I don't care how broken the immigration system is: racism is not the answer. And this law is stitched together with racism. It's not a solution, it is another problem added to the list.

Eyjafjallajokull - I didn't just sneeze on my keyboard. I'm talking about the Icelandic volcano that has been spewing ash for the past few weeks. It's still causing problems here in Ireland and Scotland. I'm gonna be uber-pissed if my flight gets canceled because of a damn volcano 800 miles away.

Canadians - Let's face it, they're just piggybacking on the coolest big brother in the world.

*I realize that the picture for "ridiculous" is a bit random, but I couldn't find any pictures related to the Harry Potter spell "ridikulus"... So I found that lolcat.

Confession Time

2010-04-29T05:39:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon Tyler,

I hope the final weeks of the semester are treating you well. I've got plenty of downtime, as usual, here in Dublin so I decided another confession is in order.

-Despite John McCain's sacrifices, I still giggle when he gives two thumbs up.
-I remove anyone from my Facebook newsfeed that changes their status to something extremely vague and/or unarguably emo. (i.e. 'it could have been so much', '37 days!!1', etc)
-The Red Hot Chili Peppers's 'Stadium Arcadium' album is one of the worst purchases I've ever made.
-The Smashing Pumpkins's 'Zeitgesit' is the worst purchase I've ever made.
-The number one thing I am most excited about doing when I get back to America is seeing 'Hot Tub Time Machine'.
-'Ghost Adventures' is one of my favorite TV shows.
-I also love 'Frasier' and I don't understand people who don't like it.
-People who say, 'You would like Frasier' immediately make my black list.
-My black list includes Dick Cheney, Sinbad and U2 from 1994 to 2001.
-As much as I despise Disney, I will voluntarily watch Aladdin if I stumble across it on the television (I think it's a heritage thing).
-I have always confused Ethan Hawke and Edward Norton... What? It's not like one's acting career stands out from the other?
-I've secretly always wanted to go to Broadway in Nashville and buy a cowboy hat and boots and then go to the Wild Horse Saloon.
-That last bullet point was a subtle hint for a summer activity.
-When I worked at Starbucks, I would set up the 'impulse buy' products and immediately become the store's biggest sucker. I was my own worst enemy.
-'I was my own worst enemy' is the kind of Facebook status I'm talking about.

in which I discover my true calling in the "blogosphere" and discuss YA literature

2010-04-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Clint.

I have decided that my role in this whole blog...thing...is that I will make lists. I'm very good at lists and I think that if you take a look at the collection (albeit small) of my posts they're basically lists anyway. You have your things that suck and the confessional (which I would like to take part in as well because that is fairly entertaining)...I will have my lists.

Today, my dear brother, I would like to speak to you about young adult literature (henceforth, it will be referred to as YA). Now, before you totally turn off your interest in this particular post, I think that it is a legitimate subject and one that is especially dear to my heart. So what is YA literature? As I've come to understand it, it is basically any piece of writing that is aimed at about 13-18 year old readers. Amber, I'm sure, will disagree with the age range, but I will most likely focus on this age range of books anyway. There are so many good ones to choose, but I have decided that I'm going to give you a list of 5. These are my favorites as a middle school lit teacher and as an adult who reads YA books because they're really good...(confession).

5. The Redwall Series

Yeah, those are rats...and that mouse is definitely holding a sword.

If you are a boy under the age of like...35 you've probably read the Redwall books. Or at least heard of them. Yes, it involves talking animals. Yes, they fight with swords. No, it is not stupid! These books basically allowed me to fall in love with literature. It's why I read now, and why I have a great time teaching lit when I get the chance. As a slightly...let's be honest, ridiculously dorky 6th grader, I think I read every single one of these books that had come out. It actually led me to read Watership Down and later on, Lord of the Rings. The other reason I love these books is because of the world that it created. It was totally and absolutely fake. Which meant that for the first time, I had to imagine what it looked like, sounded like, tasted like...Brian Jacques (the author) does a really good job of describing the feasts. I was able to really experience Redwall Abbey and the forests and areas surrounding it (which was really nice, considering I had no friends and lived in a desert). More and more I am concerned my students don't have imaginations. They don't read, they don't play pretend, they don't even build forts. They just shoot each other on call of duty, go to football/basketball/soccer practice, and then go to bed. It's a tragedy! Books like these create imaginations. Albert Einstein was famous for using his imagination. He came up with his idea that space was curved in one of his, what he called, "thought experiments" which were essentially day dreaming. Imagination creates things. It's so important to our future that kids imagine and day dream! Einstein said, "Imagination is more important that knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the whole world and all there will ever be to know and understand."

Certainly used his imagination thinking this was flattering...

4. The Larry Series

Black nail polish...always a good sign in YA

There are three books in this series and I have read two of them. I taught them last year and it was great, but there is such thing as Larry overkill and I had to take a break after putting both under the microscope in Lit. This is the kind of high school book that I wish that I had when I was there. It's about smart kids, consumerism, activism, and the whole "one person can change the world" thing that is about as cliché as you can get. However, it does it in such a way that is thoughtful, humorous, and even though I almost totally disagree with this characters opinions...I liked him! The character manages to do something that almost every single public figure & politician tries to pull off everyday but fails miserably: share an opinion without getting preachy. It's unbelievable. Later on, it also tackles things like the consequences of becoming "involved" with friends romantically (in a that's-what-she-said kind of way). Like most issues in the book, it's handled in a classy, understanding way (you want to, I know...and you're going to like it at the moment...but this is what happens). But probably one of my favorite things about the book is the way that it paints adults. They aren't static characters. They're not the evil principal or teacher, or the evil cop that won't let them skateboard in front of the mall. I appreciate that Janet Tashjian (the author) wants kids to see that adults are always growing and changing as well. Larry's step dad, for instance, is a big time ad agency/marketing guy who decides that he has lost himself in his career and becomes a house painter to get his life back together. The second book in the series is about a presidential campaign...which politically, makes me want to hurl...but has some interesting lessons about the mandate of the people and constitutional laws. All things together, Larry has some interesting things to say in an interesting way. I finished the books in about a day.

3. The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games is like 1984 for teenagers. I say that because I don't think 1984 is for teenagers...or anybody for that matter (but that's a confession and another post). So, yeah, it's a dystopian novel...so let's go down the dystopian novel check list: set in the future? check. something that resembles a current western world power? check. oppressive government that has no problem with "making people disappear"? check. idealistic young person who quietly questions said oppressive government? check. children having to fight to the death each year for the entertainment of the masses? che-wait what!? That's right. Welcome to the Hunger Games. Each year one boy and one girl are selected from each of the districts to fight to the last for the entertainment of the masses and as punishment for a previous rebellion against the government. Think of it as American Idol but instead of getting a record deal and platoon of paparazzi for losing, Clay Aiken actually is shot by a poison dart and Reuben Studdard stands victorious!

Lethal.

While this would certainly liven up TV on Tuesday nights, this clearly creates a lot of strain on the relationships between the districts and the government. The book does a really great job of hiding a lot of political commentary inside of an action packed novel. It's a fast read and even though the main character is a girl, the 8th grade guys love it. I had even planned to use it as my summer reading before I taught Civics. I was going to talk about rights and privileges as citizens and why we guard certain values so highly in a democratic republic...but then we got a job in Saudi and I have no idea what kinds of things I can ask my kids to read. Hunger Games actually is pretty controversial just because kids get murdered by other kids...but then again...so was Lord of the Flies. Which reminds me...

2. The Maze Runner

The Maze Runner basically takes the ideas behind The Lord of the Flies and adds a whole other sci-fi futuristic twist to it. I think I would actually let this book join Ender's Game in the blew my mind category as the twist at the end of each book leaves your head spinning. This book is violent, thoughtful, and engrossing. For much of the book, there are no girls and the boys are trapped in a maze which changes every day. They are trying to get out of the maze, but in the process have had to build a society complete with a government and everything. This is probably the most interesting part of the book. The way that the boys create this society makes sense if you've ever lived on a cul-de-sac with other kids (sorry, Clint). It's exactly what I would do if I was a teenage boy in a situation like that. Anyway, I would totally spoil it for you, but I think you might actually read some of these so I don't want to do that. But suffice it to say, that this book makes you try and figure out the ending from the beginning...but it stays pretty well hidden until late in the book.

1. Pretty much anything by John Green...but my personal favorite is Looking for Alaska

There's a lot to this book. I mean, a LOT. As most John Green books do, it starts out mostly pretty funny...kinda dark humor, but funny all the same. The main character is obsessed with the last words of famous people. Long story short though, the characters in the book experience everything that high schoolers experience: anger, love, lust, loss, strawberry wine, vodka and milk, and a plethora of cigarettes. It's pretty much exactly the way that I spent high school...(kinda...okay not really). But the way that Green talks about a couple of issues makes me really kind of impressed. I mean how do you eloquently express the way that you feel about the first love...or the first lust? I think one of the things that is conveyed is that you kind of don't need to. First love feels perfect...poetic...and that's the way that it is written. But first lust is different. It feels awkward. It feels strange and cumbersome...and there is no attempt to hide this or glamorize lust in any way. It is what it is and that is how it is written. Awesome. It is also interesting the way that while the kids are dealing with loss, they are dealing with growing up. It's no coincidence that the main character is obsessed with famous people's last words and there is a constant existential conflict going on within the main character. However cliché this sounds, it results in a kind of understanding that they're just kids and they have a lot to learn and do. As you might imagine...I'm for this. All in all, I finished the book and...

boom goes the dynamite.

So there you have it. Read 'em.

Clint, until next time...

Things that Suck: The America! Edition

2010-04-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Good evening Tyler,

So I've been feeling a little blue lately... I'll admit, I'm homesick. However, I found a bit of a cure to this homesickness rather quickly. It came in the form of a chicken. Two chicken filets actually. Yes I am, of course, talking about KFC's new Double Down. A friend made a joke in-passing about it the other day and I thought it was simply a small fad like the Bacon Explosion (sooo 2009). Today I discovered that this was no joke. This is a real menu item available at all KFC chains in America. I'm at a loss of words.

I love that there are two options for the Double Down. Grilled or Crispy. As if one has a bit more dignity behind it. "Hello, I'll have the Double Down Grilled please." Oh he ordered the grilled one, he seems respectable.

This absurd concoction of chicken and American disregard for all things socially acceptable has actually helped deter my homesickness. It is now on the list of the things I do not look forward to coming home to... So naturally, I've thought up a list of other things I am not looking forward to seeing again. Consider this my "Things that Suck: The America! Edition"... Here it is:

Bush 04 and Palin 2012 stickers - I get annoyed seeing these even when visiting for breaks from Missouri. Of course, neither of those people are very popular over here. It'll be harder for me to bite my tongue now.

Jay Leno - I don't think I need to go through this again... he just sucks.

AM/PM - This sounds odd, but telling time by AM/PM is just silly. I've discovered that since my time over here. It doesn't take much time at all to get acclimated to reading "military" time and it's much easier to communicate. On all levels.

White people - Okay, this one is a stretch I know. Even though I am in a white-majority European country, they're just... different here. In America, you get the cliche overtly happy white people that are actually a little frightening. I think the Osteen couple are a perfect example of this terrifying demographic. The Irish and American white people do share something in common though: never make eye contact with them.

Independence Day on TBS - Now wait just one second! Before you all freak out on me and leave hateful comments, you have to understand my meaning. When I left, TBS probably showed Independence Day every 2 weeks. Even for the most obsessive Lord of the Rings or Star Wars nerd, watching a movie (at least) once every 2 weeks is a bit excessive. I know this because I was once that LOTR nerd (you can only say "LOTR" if you're a club member). I mean, sure it's an entertaining movie (and who doesn't love a black man that doesn't frighten the group in my last bullet point), but c'mon Ted Turner! Get the rights to something else please, and something that isn't a Jennifer Lopez movie or another Family Guy season.

Cops - I had a run-in with the law before I left for Ireland and I'm not looking forward to living in fear once again. Over here, the cops are... Chill. Sure, they do their job and if you're breaking the law you're gonna get in trouble... But they're not douche bags. I actually saw an officer and (I'm pretty sure) a police chief posing for photographs on St. Patty's Day... They even let the drunkards wear their hats! That's a police force I can get behind.

Well, I feel much better now. That little list did the trick. See y'all in 3 weeks!

Confession Time

2010-04-17T12:13:00.001-07:00

Good evening Tyler,

As I look out my window onto an oddly colored sky in Dublin (stupid Iceland and its volcano), I can't help but think of my transgressions. I've conjured up another list of confessions for the confession booth, hope you enjoy.

-I don't find The Onion funny.
-I hate orange chocolate, I think it's cheap and distasteful.
-I think Gatorade flavors that include the word "glacier" are even cheaper and more distasteful.
-Orange Gatorade is my favorite.
-English accents kind of make me nauseous.
-I immediately lower my standards for anyone who says they enjoy the television show "Heroes".
-I think testing for all illnesses should involve peeing on some sort of stick, like a pregnancy test. "Oh man, I have strep!"
-Godfather Part 3 was a cinematic masterpiece.
-Drinking Miller High Life out of a glass bottle actually makes me feel more sophisticated.
-I once bought a 12 dollar pair of socks.
-I prefer wearing those socks when drinking Miller High Life out of glass bottles.
-Until the age of nine, I thought Chicago was its own state.
-I hold firmly to the belief that Reese's Cups are vastly superior to Reese's Pieces, and mildly hold a grudge towards E.T. for giving Pieces its second chance.

Boots in Asses: It's just American.

2010-04-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Good evening Tyler,

After my recent excursion to Paris and my time here in Dublin, I've come to a conclusion: I'm ready for some America. I'm heading back to the states on May 13th, and the timing could not be better. I don't know anywhere else I'd rather be than America in the summer. America in the summer is just awesome, especially in the South. You can't find more patriotism than in the South in the summer. My second favorite holiday, July 4th, is quickly approaching and I cannot wait to drink beer, eat burgers and blow shit up. There simply is no greater way of celebrating the birth of the greatest nation on the face of the planet. That being said, I've now got a list (as I usually do) of things that I miss from America/intend to take full advantage of upon my return. Here goes nothin:

1. Tasty American beer - Visions of PBR, High Life, Boulevard Wheat and Blue Moon have all been dancing in my head for the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love Guinness but after a while, y'just gotta have an ice cold ale/lager. And it tastes even better on a scalding, humid day in the Tennessee backwoods with good friends and good food. And that's right, I mentioned PBR and Miller High Life... Beer orientation is not a choice.

2. American beaches - See the thing about the beaches in Dublin is... You don't go in them, you just look at them. The summer highs in Dublin are usually in the 60s, maybe 70s. This doesn't help the water temperature. I'm ready to relax on a South Carolina beach again and listen to some Allman Brothers.

3. Baseball - The season has just begun so I haven't missed much luckily, but I haven't been able to catch a game yet. I love the Braves and can't wait to watch a few Saturday afternoon games. Maybe even take a roadtrip to ATL for a game? Let's make it happen.

4. American dollars - As useless as these little suckers have become lately, I miss having dollar bills. All this European money is different sizes and color coded, which isn't exactly helpful to a colorblind kid. And don't forget the smell of a fresh dollar bill. Also, it'll be nice to actually withdraw money from an ATM and not receive a 5 dollar transaction fee!

5. Driving on the right side of the road - So, while I was in Paris I was actually confused as to why we were driving on the right side of the road. I've been in Dublin so long that driving on the left side of the road has become normal to me. This is simply ridiculous. It'll take me some getting used to, but I'll be back to my right sided ways in no time.

6. Street buskers that actually play good music - My last day in Paris included an American street busker (pictured above) who played some sick blues on a resonator and harmonica on the Metro. It was so nice to hear some good music being played again from a busker because the majority of buskers in Dublin suck. There are lots of teenagers who grab their acoustic and play Oasis and shitty Europop bands all night. Then there are actual bands that bring an entire stage with them and sound like generic Kings of Leon ripoffs. I can't wait to walk the streets of Nashville again and hear mandolin pluckin.

So there it is, the things I miss most/can't wait to utilize again. I love Dublin and I love Paris even more, but America just has that certain something that I'll always love more. See ya soon.

P.S. I know your students have recently found the blog and I know my posts are always riddled with profanity, but my logic is that they probably won't read my posts. Or at least not read the entire thing so hey, who gives a shit? Right?

in which i confess my love of alternative histories

2010-04-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

Good evening, Clint.

It seems I will be posting first this week because, as you put it..."I'm in Paris. What do you think?" So, on my way home from my brother's wedding this weekend in Las Vegas I purchased a book: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It was written by the same guy who wrote (rewrote?) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Seth Graeme-Smith). Without giving anything away, because you WILL want to read it, it is exactly what it sounds like...the adventures of Abraham Lincoln hunting vampires.

Presumably with the help of his steam punk brethren.

I absolutely devoured the book in the span of about a day and a half. It was a quick, engrossing read that I found myself totally wrapped up in. As I sat the book down earlier tonight, I realized something about myself that is both awesome and totally nerdy. I love alternative histories. I love everything about them. Especially when the author or creator pays attention to details. Great alternative histories are always slightly believable...even possible. I should note that I realize that vampires do not exist (that one's worth watching...if just for the ridiculousness), nor do zombies. However, it's the world that is created by these people is just so intriguing! So I have decided to list my favorite alternative histories for you today.

SIDEBAR: I don't really like to do the whole spoiler thing, but I also want to for real discuss these movies/video games/novels. So...if you don't want to be surprised, don't read them.

1. Inglourious Basterds

I love this movie. Tarantino has tension down to a science. That being said, this whole thing is incredible to me because I didn't know that it was going to be an alternate history. I had no idea the ending would go the way that it would. Literally up to the moment the movie ended, I kept wondering how they were going to finish the movie in keeping with the historical events surrounding them and then...BOOM! U turn. So epic. I mean basically cutting off the head of Hitler with a machine gun was a stroke of genius. Also, the idea of a group of commandos doing horrible things to Nazis appeals to my violent, vengeful, teenage boy side. Which is there (hence the video games). There are some interesting actual operations in Germany that are interesting...like Operation Cornflakes (which is real according to Wikipedia). This consists of blowing up a train full of mail and then dropping propaganda into the bombed out train and tricking the German mail service into delivering said propaganda which was disguised as German mail. Awesome.

2. Assassin's Creed (1 & 2)

And boom goes the dynamite.

So, video game jokes aside...this is actually an awesome story. Ever since the whole Dan Brown magical mythtery tour (that's right, mythtery) people have had a fascination with conspiracy theories involving the Knights Templar. I have strong opinions about the whole DaVinci Code/Angels & Demons thing, but that's a post for another time. The story of Assassin's Creed involves Templars as well, but this time it's more palatable...at least for me. The stage is set in the middle of the Crusades where there is a hidden battle going on between two actual groups in the Holy Land at that time: the Knights Templar and the Hashashin. This you know, but the actual setting of the story is the near future where the war between the Templars and the "Assassins" as they are now called is still going on. There's all sorts of awesome historical connections they make and actually bring some real people into the story. The first game is kinda weak on the historical side of things and they overlook a couple of things (like giving King Richard the Lionheart a French accent...). However, the second game does a really great job of incorporating really awesome little facts, like placing Leonardo DaVinci in Venice, Florence, and Milan at certain points in his life. Also cool are the things that they describe happening because of these things called "pieces of Eden". These are shown as powerful instruments that can give aid to those who use them...it's the orb that Queen Elizabeth I holds in her portrait, it's the sword that Joan of Arc carried into battle, the staff that Moses carries, etc. It is always intriguing to envision a world that was shaped by some kind of mysterious force acting through powerful objects and all that (hence the Indiana Jones movies) and the idea of some kind of secret war between two ancient groups has always fascinated us (hence the Underworld movies). You really need to make sure that you play the games to understand the whole story (or you could just read the Wikipedia article). I recommend the game.

3. World War Z & The Zombie Survival Guide
But more so World War Z. This is the single greatest novel I have ever read. From the structure of the interviews to the different voices that he is able to give his characters...just fantastic. The idea behind the novel is that there has been an earth shattering Zombie uprising that has almost annihilated the entire planet. A reporter has been sent to try and get as many people's stories and opinions on the struggle as he can. The result is a depiction of an epidemic that consumes humanity and hope and then the struggle to regain that hope and defeat the evil that has almost destroyed the world. The way that it is written makes it easy to accept that this happened 5 years ago...that we are still cleaning up and healing from this near apocalypse. Through this examination of the zombie war, he is able to capture humanity almost perfectly. The fear, pride, strength, and foolishness that we all possess becomes the canvas on which he can paint his masterpiece. When you get back from Ireland, you are reading this book and we are talking about it. The guy that directed Quantum of Solace is directing the film version. I'm tempted to never see it because I love the book so much...but I probably will...because of this concept art...

"I repeat, damaging the brain or removing the head..."

Just what I was thinking about...

PS-Clint you only have a short while before I will inflict punishment on you...and I don't think you want to know what that punishment will be.

The Confessional Booth

2010-04-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

Good morning Tyler,

First, let's address your question: who is my favorite photographer and a specific image they produced. I don't hold it against you, but I hate this question. There are so many amazing photographers out there, and I'm always discovering new ones. It's difficult to decide. For a long time it was Annie Leibovitz, but then she decided to stop making good images. I believe, of the "legendary" photographers, my favorite would have to be Richard Avedon. This man captured the essence of beauty, reality, truth and was a master of the art. My favorite photograph that he produced is, currently, this one:

Not only because this photo is absolutely beautiful, but because the story behind it reminds me that Avedon was no more human than I am and was always struggling with the craft. Avedon took this photo, it shook the fashion world, and Avedon was not pleased. He claimed that the photo was ruined because the woman's white sash should have been flowing the other direction (to our right). The photo reminds me that, even in the most beautiful image there is always room for improvement.

Now for your question, sir: you're allowed to watch only Spongebob Squarepants episodes for an entire year or listen to only Avril Lavigne albums for 8 months, which would you choose? Explain.

And finally, I've decided to start a new string of posts that, I think, will keep our readers entertained and also make me sound like a complete fool. With this post, I will list things that people do not know about me or I have done my damnedest to conceal from general knowledge. So here it goes, my first confession:

-I have no idea what the plot of Fiddler on the Roof is... I know it involves Jews.
-I still cannot successfully say the phrase, "6 in 1, half dozen in the other."
-It took me a few years to actually figure out what that phrase meant.
-I don't know the rules of basketball.
-I hate it when people send me YouTube videos and tell me I "have to watch this."
-I hate Twitter with every fiber of my being.
-I am addicted to Twitter.
-I have a socially destructive fear of clowns.
-I found Little Miss Sunshine annoyingly proud of itself.
-The first CDs I ever owned were the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys.
-I once did not shower for 6 days straight.
-I used teeth whitening strips when I was 16... I don't regret it.
-When I worked at Chicken Nick's, I would talk to the Mexican cooks with a Mexican accent. It didn't help.
-I got up at 4 am and waited in line for the iPhone 3G in 2008.

Forgive me friends, I made a fool of myself.

Time's Up, Let's Do This...

2010-04-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

Good evening, Clint.

I figured that you would hate that question. I view the "what's your favorite time period of history" question the same way. Ah well...I like that image a lot though, so well done. Now for the important stuff.

Let me answer your question with another question: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Sponge. Bob. Square. Pants.

That's right. I would rather watch nothing but Spongebob Squarepants (who shall be called SBSP for the remainder of the post) for an entire year than listen to nothing but Avril Lavigne for 8 months. This says two things about me: a. how much I hate Avril Lavigne and b. how much more I care about music than TV. I would so much rather be sitting listening to my favorite music and reading a book or sitting on the internet than watching TV. On the other hand, I also really enjoy TV. And I should probably begin the confessions by saying that I do, in fact, enjoy SBSP. I like the theme song (which you probably didn't look at even though I linked it) which is delightfully catchy. I think that the silly stupid humor reminds me of "Ren and Stimpy" which I thought was, again, silly and stupid. You know me pretty well and just trust me, SBSP is just my style. In case you were wondering what the whole deal is...check out the SBSP movie...on whose soundtrack you will find music by such hipstars as Wilco, the Flaming Lips, Motorhead, and, your favorite, Ween. So all in all, easy choice. Thanks for that one.

And now about your confessionals...

Sorry, not the dashboard kind...

I wasn't sure if you wanted me to confess as well...so I'll just comment on some of yours and maybe admit some as well...

Fiddler on the Roof is a great musical and I suggest that you do go and watch it at some point. If you don't care for musicals (and you don't seem like the kind that would) here's the wikipedia entry on the film version. I personally love it. But that leads to my first confession...I love musicals and show tunes. But is that really a surprise to anyone?

As for the saying...you know that your dad can't do that either. It's mildly hilarious. "When in Rome..."

I understand hating the whole youtube thing. I rarely do that when people suggest things for me. On a related note, I never listen to music that people suggest for me. I don't really know why, I just can't for some reason...I have some thing about finding it on my own.

I still know all the words to Backstreet Boys songs...never owned the cds, but I knew all the words. *sigh*

Lastly, I have never understood the standing in a huge line at a God-awful hour to spend an unbelievable amount of money. Whether it's concert tickets or Harry Potter or the Jesus phone, I'm just not that excited about anything. I mean I waited for a couple of YEARS for Modern Warfare 2, and I didn't go to the midnight release, I just bought it when I had a minute. So yeah...can't really agree with you there. (Yeah, yeah...I love video games...a little too much).

So let me know if you want me to take part in the embarrassment as well or whatever...also, I got a haircut that requires gel in its upkeep. Too much? I'll stop.

I realize that we have much to talk about, Clint. Let's do that.

Mr. Sulu...take us in.

in which I get two cavities filled by someone I knew in high school...

2010-03-31T06:03:00.001-07:00

Good morning, Clint.

It is a delightfully sunny day here in Nashville, Tennessee, home of the Whopper. Today is Teacher Appreciation Day at school, so I thought I would send some of that appreciation your way in the form of a new blog activity...or blogtivity(...I'm sorry). We both have very specific realms of knowledge and experience, so I thought we could use that to both entertain and educate. Every week we should ask each other a question and the other can answer in his next blog post. Sound good? So my first question to you is...who is your favorite photographer and what is the image of his or hers that is your favorite? I know that's like asking me who my favorite historian is, but I say you must choose! I saw an article on NPR about some photos that Ansel Adams took for the Department of the Interior and they are absolutely incredible! So let's start this thing...it'll be great. Trust me.

SIDEBAR: Are you checking what's on these links? Some of this is comic GOLD!

Ya know...like Carlos Mencia...(I was going to use Carrot Top...but do yourself a favor and don't google image Carrot Top...ugh)

So now onto the meat of my entry. Yesterday, I got two cavities filled. Which is, of course, miserable. I don't like any part of the dental work process. This stems from the simple fact that I don't like having other people's hands in my mouth...which, I think, is fairly reasonable.

Uht? Uh cuss uh een ahing...(why do they always wait to talk to you until you have your mouth full...)

This is all beside the point, though. The dental assistant (though I'm not sure this is her appropriate title...sorry to dental professionals everywhere) that was handing the different instruments of torture to the dentist was a girl I went to high school with. This has happened a couple of times to me, and I began thinking as I lay there, breathing deeply on the gas, praying that it wouldn't take very long, about how as my classmates and I have passed into adulthood, we are going to be in some interesting situations as employers, employees, service providers, service consumers, etc. Other than the fillings, I have rented a car, bought a pair of running shoes, made an appointment at the eye doctor, taught with, been served at a restaurant, and rented a room at a hotel to friends or acquaintances from high school. Part of this regularity comes from the fact that I live in Nashville. I see these people all the time because most of them stayed here. My thoughts about this are mostly just societal. I mean...how does one approach these situations? Here are my thoughts...and as I am apparently an anal retentive blogger...broken down in sections.

1. Serving: So what happens when you are serving someone at a restaurant or hotel or wherever you may be working and that person is an acquaintance from high school. If it was a friend, it would be easy! "Oh it's been so long!", "How are you!?", etc. But with an acquaintance...is it appropriate to be like "Hey, did you go to BHS?" knowing full well that both of you know that you did. Does that help the service to be better or does it make a business lunch or, God forbid, a first date super awkward?

Bill? Yeah, he used to wear this Babylon 5 shirt EVERYDAY! So, would you like to start with some appetizers?

2. Being served: Is it appropriate to even mention that you know dude/dudette from high school? I mean...sitting in the midst of my graduation looking out over the crew that was about to go on to college or whatever else, one kind of assumes that people had dreams and desires, and I think I can say, honestly, that I didn't think anybody was like "I can't wait to be a full time waiter at Chili's". And yet, here we are...grabbing a quick bite after church with A-train and Special K and all of a sudden, WHAM! High school. I just don't want someone to feel like crap cause they came to work and some dude from high school who is not in the service industry is like "oh...didn't know you were working here...still..." It's like that scene from that cinematic masterpiece Waiting... where the guy's high school buddy comes in and then gives him a huge tip cause "it looked like you needed it." Yeesh! Now this is all assuming that someone might not be so proud of what they are doing at said job. I also focus on the food service industry because that seems like the most common overlap. So who knows...

But here is the ultimate. Someday...I will(probably) teach the child of someone I knew from high school. Or maybe even a friend. I do not look forward to this. Relationships between teachers, students, and parents are complex enough, but adding more baggage is not ideal. And I know I have friends that would like me to teach their kids, and I would be happy to do it...but it makes me nervous. In effect, I am the waiter that loves his job. I am now serving your family in the most direct of ways. I am helping to RAISE your child! Teaching them how to think and learn. That is intense. It's like camping...(get it?!)

I will say, though, that my personal experiences with these meetings have been pretty positive. It's kinda nice to meet up with people and all of them seem really happy about what they're doing. Like yesterday, the girl at the dentist really loves working on teeth. And, yes, she acknowledged that it was weird, but hey, it makes her happy and she seemed to be doing really well. So yeah, it's awkward, but who cares?

So this is what I've been thinking as the high pitched whine of the drill on my teeth reverberates through my skull. That, and the answers to questions on Cash Cab.

Ben Bailey: hosts a game show while driving a cab in NYC...baller.

in which I discuss traveling and my apparent laziness...

2010-03-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, Clint.

I accept my punishment. But four times in three days? REALLY!? You better hope you don't forget to post...cause I will destroy you. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND, ALWAHAB! Yeah, I'll tone it down.

I've been traveling a lot lately and so it has been on my mind. It concerns me a lot. Actually, concerned is probably not the correct word, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. There are a couple of reasons why I'm uncomfortable with traveling...so let's explore my irrational ridiculousness.

First, I just don't like flying. I realize that this is a stupid thing for me to not like. My brother is a pilot. It takes less time and is safer than driving. I can sit and read or listen to my music. It's really the only kind of transportation that makes sense if you're trying to get anywhere in the world. However, here are my issues. Airport security is annoying. Shoes off? Awesome. Belt too? Sure. Oh...my wallet? Keys? Take out the laptop? Wait...why did I bother packing or dressing? Yes...I do tolerate this to make sure that I survive the flight, and I am impressed with the streamlining that has been done. It's still annoying. Planes are also unpredictable. They just drop, bump, or whatever. It's always unsettling. This probably comes from my lack of control over the aircraft. But still. Good things about flying? I dunno...I always get excited about it. It's an event. And there's just nothing quite like coming off the plane to see people you know waiting for you.

Ya know...just like the press was waiting for President Ford. (Sorry, I had to.)

Second, traveling is just uncomfortable. It throws off my schedules...ya know: eating, sleeping...among other things. I just feel uncomfortable constantly. It's not really that horrible, but I just get thrown off. Take for instance the trip I recently took to Vegas and Utah. First of all, I'm two hours behind what I normally am...which doesn't sound like much, but it just is! I hit the ground running and it was a total blast. However, I ate at weird hours like 2 pm or 7 pm...went to bed at like 4 am central time...you can see how that would make me feel uncomfortable.

Now, I really do enjoy traveling. I get to see really cool stuff and often meet really cool people. But sometimes, I'd just rather be sitting on the couch playing video games or just letting myself slip into unconsciousness while watching Futurama. Ah well...

So one last parting shot this entry. I'm reviewing for a test with my kids and this was a great exchange:

Me: "Define communism"

Kid: "OBAMA!"

Deuces.

Return of the Things that Suck

2010-03-30T09:48:00.001-07:00

Good afternoon,

Okay WTFballs Tyler?! I know you still have computer access cause I talk to you on gchat all the time. Yet there is no blog post? I mean, we gotta step it up if we're going to outshine Austin Huff and his sports cronies over at Korked Bats. They just got an article in the Tennessean! They just gained like, another 40 site hits! This will not stand!

I was lenient last time, but this insolence will not stand! Your punishment is this sir: you must watch The Butterfly Effect four (4) times in three (3) days. So let it be written, so let it be done. You must document your viewing each time, and I trust Amber to be the impartial mediator here and verify that you did, in fact, watch the film 4 times in 3 days.

So now let's get down to business: things that suck.

Ricky Martin - Thanks for telling the world what we already knew, Ricky. I'm sure you are a great inspiration to gay men stuck in the closet... If they work hard and sing about shaking bon bons and wooing senoritas for enough years, they too can one day come out of the closet.

The Office: Season 6 - The television show has proven that people don't like working at offices for a reason. They're boring, just like the long running story lines of season 6. Pam is a bitchy mother, the Andy/Erin relationship is so comically annoying that it's actually just annoying, and Kathy Bates should stick to breaking James Caan's legs. Honestly, unless there is some major transformation that doesn't involve the threat of the office being shut down or Dwight disavowing Michael, I think it's all downhill from here.

Jay Leno - I'm still pissed.

Hershey's Chocolate - Not only because it's from Pennsylvania (and everyone from Pennsylvania thinks they are the greatest human beings alive), but because compared to the chocolate I'm having here in Dublin... Hershey's is pure shit. There's no going back for me. I'm looking into a monthly shipment deal. Highly lucrative, completely illegal.

John Yoo - Read about him here. He's the reason lawyers get such a bad rap. I hear satan is looking into hiring him as his personal consigliere.

There you have it. Oh and Tyler, you have one week to complete your punishment. Don't let me (or our 6 readers) down.

Only Stupid People?

2010-03-15T04:09:00.000-07:00

Good morning Tyler,

Let's set a few things straight. You didn't blog. And the laws of the blog (and according to Bob Loblaw's Law Blog) dictate that you be punished for this heinous crime. The only problem is... I didn't blog either. My excuse is that I'm in Europe and we don't do anything in a timely manner. Nonetheless, punishment should be rightly enforced. Unless you wanna call a truce? Just think about it.

In the meantime, for our readers' sake, I'd like to talk about my trip to England. I'm currently sitting in the home of my good friends, the Farishes, in Northeast England. And believe it or not, coming from Ireland to England has actually been a culture shock. It's hard to describe why or how the two nations are so different, but when I came here it definitely felt different. I'm terrified at how bad my reverse culture shock will be when I get back to America. I think the best thing about coming to England though is all the questions. Upon my arrival, one of Michael's housemates asked me: "I know this might be a stupid question, but do you have the TV show 'Friends' back in America?"

You mean the TV show with all the Americans in it? Yeah... Yeah we've got that. We're only on season 4 though. Other questions have included:

-So in America, do you have donuts every morning for breakfast?
-You don't have cold water in the South, do you?
-Have you seen that guy that makes all the food?
-Do you have taxis in America?

And my personal favorite: "Are you the famous Clint Alwahab?" That's right, someone actually asked me if I was the famous Clint Alwahab. I've got to say, it's a great/ego exploding feeling when someone asks you that. He asked that because he said he always saw all his friends on Facebook talking to me on my wall. Thanks Facebook!

Now, this whole stupid question thing doesn't work just one way. Michael's visits to America have included questions such as: "Do you have water in England?" and "What language do you speak in England?" Where did we go wrong? When did we stop using our brains? When did we start forgetting where Europe is? I guess the bright side to all of this is that we're asking questions and we're curious about different cultures... Right?

6 Things from Dublin

2010-02-25T07:42:00.000-08:00

Hello Tyler,

Before I left for Dublin, I wrote a little piece about the 5 "true misconceptions" of Americans abroad. Well, now that I'm here I would like to write something a little similar, but about the Irish. Why 6? Yeah I don't have a good reason, I just couldn't come up with 10.

6. The Irish really do like their drink - I have it on good authority (the word of several sober and drunk Irishmen) that the Irish do, in fact, enjoy a good drunk. An older gentleman told me about how a pint of Guinness should be served and what a good Guinness looks like. He knew this because he was a Guinness representative for a while and because, "We are alcoholics."

5. Everything is seriously f-cking green - It rains here. A LOT. The first full day we were here, we walked through rain, sleet, snow, rainsleetsnow, and then sunny clear skies. Whatever photographs you've seen of the rolling hills of sunny Ireland were taken in the 3 minute timespan between torrential downpours. Because of all this rain, it is always green here. As one of my professors described it, in Siberia you have to wear sunglasses to protect you from snow-blindness, but here you have to wear sunglasses for green-blindness.

4. Dont' bring up the British - Just... Don't.

3. They do not like leprechauns - Of all the stereotypes, this one took the longest to come up. They see it as a stupid myth that Americans think is actually real. I have never met anyone that legitimately thought leprechauns were real, but my professor knew a police officer who met a rather drunk American man who asked him wear the "lupreeshins" were. As a kind Irishmen would, he directed him toward the park down the street. Maybe the Leprechauns moved to Mobile, Alabama? (See above video to get that reference)

2. Guinness is the national economy's mainstay - Though the Celtic Tiger (Ireland's economic boom) is long over, there's one thing the economy can count on and that's Guinness. Not only is it a tourist attraction 365, it is the most common drink purchased in every pub/bar/club I've been to thus far. So don't be shy to order a pint next time you're in town, you'd look weird if you didn't.

1. If you've got any Irish in your blood, you're Irish - I'm Irish, according to the Irishman at a pub I visited. He was very curious why all these Americans are always coming over to Ireland to study. I tried to explain that traveling/studying abroad is just a thing that attracts a lot of students. He then asked if I had any Irish heritage, I explained that it was waaaay down my mother's line and that I was actually an Arab-American. He cut me off about halfway through my sentence and said, "You've got Irish in you, you're Irish." So yeah! I'm Irish! Don't kiss me.

P.S. I hope that news station was shut down after that report.

Death and Taxes (and Hockey...of course...)

2010-02-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

Clint...I am...upset.

I did our taxes yesterday. Which in and of itself is just infuriating...but then I got to the best part: how much is Uncle Sam going to give me this year? I found out some upsetting news. I owe a large sum of money to the United States government. Now...I'm going to break this down for you in a very reasoned way, whine without regard for the legitimacy of my argument for about a paragraph, and then get out my checkbook and get on with my life (in that order).

I should begin by saying that I don't mind paying taxes. I understand that this is how we fund our government. I mean, Amber's job, Brad's job, and many of my friends' jobs are paid for by the money collected by taxes. I certainly don't mind funding our country's defense, maintenance, or infrastructure. That being said, the big reason that I'm upset is that I am basically getting punished for getting married and making money (and not even a LOT of money). I made roughly the same amount of money this year as last year. Last year I got a refund. This year is the first full(fiscal) year that I have been married and I OWE money to the government. I did some looking and if Amber and I were "living in sin" as the old folks say, I would be receiving roughly the same amount THAT I AM PAYING TO THE GOVERNMENT!!! Which leads me to the whining...

...WHAT THE HELL!? Now, I'm no economist, but don't you want people to get married? That has all sorts of businesses and jobs attached to it! Florists, tailors, rental properties, travel agencies, bakeries, caterers...golf courses, for Pete's sake! Not to mention the MILLIONS of dollars a year that wedding planning makes. And that's just the wedding itself! Never mind the money that you pay to get married by the state. Apart from the economics, marriage leads to people buying houses, cars, and eventually bringing other Americans into the world. If there's anything that the government should be encouraging...shouldn't it be marriage? Here's the other thing that bothers me. The government takes money out of my paycheck each month for taxes anyway. It also takes out money for social security (which I'll never see) and for Medicare (which I'll never see). And yet, even though I already get money taken out of my pay each month, I STILL owe money to the government?! Really? REALLY!? And as for this "hopey-changey" stuff that is supposedly doing so well...where's my damn tax break!? I'm not going to quote the plan, because it only makes me depressed. And don't bring this whole "well, the republicans are stopping obama from getting his plan through..." to me...I'm just too annoyed to hear it.

*grabs checkbook...gets on with life*

Lastly...

USA! USA! USA!

Isn't it Canada's national sport? And 5-3 isn't exactly a "close" game. So, nicely done, team USA. I feel like watching the Mighty Ducks.

quack. quack. quack. quack. quack! QUACK!

Now, I realize I didn't actually say anything about death...but then again, I did mention Emilio Estevez's career...HI-OH!

Clint...until next time, remember...ducks fly together!

Hopey Changey

2010-02-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

Good morning/afternoon Tyler,

It has been far too long since anything has happened on this blog. Since I've gotten to Dublin, I'll be honest, I just haven't focused on what to write for this ol' blog. But in the words of Sarah Palin and some black guy that takes my money and gives it back, it's time for some "hopey changey" around here. It's time for... A Renaissance!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, Tyler and I have decided to be proactive about this blog and actually use it for what blogs are intended... blogging. So here's the deal, Tyler and I will blog once every week. That's one post from me and one post from Tyler every week. "But Clint, how can I trust you'll keep your promises? Where's the accountability?" I'm glad you asked. Tyler and I now have a standing verbal contract that if one of us does not blog by midnight on the specified day, the other chooses the punishment. Spoonful of sugar, eating 10 saltine crackers in 3 minutes, watching the next Twilight movie, whatever we come up with the other must fulfill the punishment. The best part is we'll vlog (video blog) the punishments for all of you.

This coming week, you can expect a blog post from myself and Tyler. Watch your RSS, Google reader, inbox, facebook feed, twitter timeline (or whatever the hell you're using to stay in touch with people you don't care about) because new posts are coming your way.

Gird your loins, this blog just got REAL.

Things that Suck

2010-01-25T11:12:00.001-08:00

Hello Tyler,

I'm taking a short break from packing to write this (what I think to be pretty good) list of things that suck. Here goes:

Jay Leno - This one's a no-brainer. Granted, NBC really sucks and is the mastermind behind putting Conan O'Brien on the street, but I'm starting to think Leno sucks just as much as NBC. If Leno was a classy guy, he would step back from NBC's offer. The guy had his run on the Tonight Show, he knew about the switch for 5 years. He should have accepted the fact that his primetime suckfest for a television show tanked and that his stint on talk show hosting was over. But no, he had to work out some way to get back to the 11:35 slot. Conan is going to go on to do great things wherever he goes and Leno is going to be working the same job and, I guarantee, watch his ratings drop once again.

AT&T - Not only has the cell phone provider's coverage become extremely shotty, they've apparently stopped caring about their customers. I attempted to "suspend" my account with them so that when I return from Dublin I can switch my plan back on and keep my phone, number, plan etc. But no. I would have to continue paying my monthly bill, even though I would not be able to use any of the features I'm paying for without facing massive roaming charges. Sorry AT&T, I think you just lost a customer... Especially if Verizon is picking up the iPhone in the next few months.

Massachusetts - Yeah, I'm sorry Jeff and Raina, but Massachusetts sucks. Not only did you elect a Republican to replace Ted Kennedy's seat in the Senate, but you elected 1990s playboy Scott Brown to replace it. Sure your choice of candidates sucked, sure this was a rushed election... But between Martha Coakley and Scott Brown you chose... HIM? Sure he's only in office for another two years, but let's not forget that his election could very well destroy healthcare reform. Good thing you say? Do you enjoy your healthcare in Massachusetts? Like the rates you're paying? That's because your former governor Mitt Romney created the best government run healthcare plan out of any of the states and now 96% of your state is insured. Enjoy your healthcare, the rest of the country will be dying.

Supreme Court - That's right I said it! The Supreme Court sucks! On the 21st they blocked the ban on corporate spending toward election campaigns. So basically giant corporations and bankers can shoot as much money to their candidate of choice as they want, while you and I are writing 20 dollar checks every three months because that's all we can afford. Let's just hope we pick the right candidate. According to the Court majority, limiting how much corporations could spend on candidates was a First Amendment violation. Apparently the human right to free speech now applies to business entities. Supreme Court: right now, you suck.

Terrorists - And finally, if I haven't made it clear enough to our (very small) audience, I am studying abroad in Dublin. I leave in 2 days. My biggest concern right now? Not fitting everything into one suitcase. Not how much money I'll have over there. Not if I'm going to be kidnapped by Leprechauns and held for ransom. But if some jackass is going to light his fucking underwear on fire on my flight. Truly we live in a strange time. I don't think I need to expound any further... Terrorists suck, stay off my plane.

Things That Do Not Suck

2010-01-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon, Clint.

It seems today that there is much around us that does, in fact, suck. Conangate, Mark McGwire was using steroids (feigned surprise) when he broke the single season home run record, and Lane Kiffin is an all around douche bag. Not to mention the horrific earthquake that devastated Haiti(By the way, that link will take you to the American Red Cross where you can find a place to donate blood or donate some benjis for the cause...if you're afraid of needles). Yes, things on starship Earth are looking down...

...but hey, that's what "things that do not suck" is for! So chin up, cheer up, and buck up, cause here comes the list!

Afternoons when you have nothing to do...

Yeah, that's right. Nothing. You've read that book that you promised your sister that you would read that you didn't want to in the first place. You made that call to your mother that you promised her that you would a month ago. You somehow managed to plan ahead so that you know what you're doing tomorrow at work or school. And now? Nothing. It's bliss. You can literally do whatever you want. Do you want to fall asleep watching the daily marathon of CSI on Spike(endorsement? no? cool...)? Do you want to watch Star Wars: Deluxe Edition and complain about what Lucas did to your favorite movies for the 40th time(only 40th? impressive, most impressive)? Do it. What a glorious feeling! My personal favorite example was the afternoon that I laid outside in a hammock with the full intention of reading...but ended up just staring at clouds. It was glorious. Nice cool breeze...wisps of clouds that looked vaguely like animals...perfect.

Getting your mind blown...

Have you ever learned something that absolutely blew your mind? I mean really just totally took you by surprise and kapow! you were never the same? This happens to me sometimes, and I absolutely love it when it happens. It comes from school, stuff I read, even stuff that I see on TV. Honestly, it doesn't take much...but getting a new fact that I think is amazing is something that makes my life infinitely better. Recently it's been Physics that has blown my mind...but History always does...you know me. Examples? Sure. Did you know that around 1485, the Portuguese visited the Kongo? Their leaders became so linked to Portugal that they converted to Catholicism, spoke Portuguese, and even took Portuguese names. In 1688, the Kongolese king was named Jao...which I'm fairly certain is like "John" in Portugal. Pretty cool huh? Another example...the relative size of the universe. Watch that video and try to keep your mind in place. Oops. You can't. It was just blown apart by the sheer awesomeness of science. Take that brain.

Michael Jordan - the rest of the time...

I mean...6 championships. 6. Want to know what that looks like? About like this...

So yeah...I know that you know that MJ is amazing. I just wanted to reiterate how much he does not suck. And as an added bonus...here's a little gem you may or may not remember. I just want to point out that those fries and that big mac would be cold and soggy by the time that competition was over...

Seacrest, out.

Things that Suck

2010-01-12T15:00:00.001-08:00

Good evening Tyler,

It's that time of the week once again. It feels weird being so regular with my blog posts (insert some kind of poop/fiber/regularity joke here). Here's a piping hot (again, poop joke) "things that suck" list.

Latisse/Brooke Shields - Y'know, I had a lot of respect for Brooke Shields after that whole Tom Cruise debacle. She was really a great voice of hope for people who were suffering from postpartum depression, and helped prove that Tom Cruise is absolutely insane. However, about a year ago everything went downhill. I was watching TV one day and saw a commercial for Latisse, the "first and only FDA approved eyelash growth treatment." Latisse is probably the most vain medical treatment to ever come out of the western world. I mean seriously! A gooey substance that you apply to your eyes so that you can have longer eyelashes? This is the kind of shit that makes me lose hope for the world. And now Brooke Shields is their go-to girl. What happened to your dignity Brooke? Perhaps you never had it. Or is "loss of dignity" a side-effect of Latisse?

NBC - I'm pretty sure everyone is with me on this one, even those freak-a-zoid "Leno people." The disrespect that has been shown towards Conan O'Brien is despicable. He's the host of the Tonight Show... One of the most successful shows NBC has ever had, and their going to risk it all only 7 months after he's been hosting just because Leno's prime-time ratings tanked? If it weren't for Tina Fey and Conan O'Brien, NBC would be at FOX level right now. And let's think about the new time slots they've decided on, 11:35 for Leno and 12:05 for Conan? That's not the Tonight Show, that's the Next Morning Show. No logical, job-possessing human being is going to stay up until 12:05 to watch an hour of television. NBC, you suck.

Michael Jordan from 1994 to 1995 - Why '94 to '95 you ask? In case you forgot, this was the year Michael Jordan played baseball for the Birmingham Barons, a Chicago White Sox farm team, and everyone in America said, "What the hell? Is that Michael Jordan?" Thankfully, MJ went back to basketball and gained some respect back (but lost a little more when he played for the Wizards... Hey we can't all be Brett Favre).

Dick Cheney - Keeping it political, as always, Cheney is definitely on this list. When searching google for pictures I found this article from Huffington Post. I consider myself an intelligent person. And I like to think that I can pick up on metaphors and analogies pretty easily, but what the shit is Cheney talking about?! "He seems to think that if he gets a haircut, we won't be at war with the terrorists," said Cheney. "He seems to think that if he walks into a Super Cuts, and asks for #2 clippers, that there's no problem in letting the masterminds behind 9/11 sit in court and be tried. He seems to think that if he asks his barber for some talcum powder to brush along his neck to relieve himself of the normal razor burns, that closing Guantanamo bay is perfectly fine. Well you know what, Mr. Obama, I don't think getting a haircut is such a good idea." I'm willing to listen to interpretations as to what this means, but if someone leaves a comment defending Cheney's statement I am going to have a heyday fighting back. Dick Cheney has done nothing but talk since he left Washington, and much like his crazy counterpart Sarah Palin, he has said nothing logical or beneficial. I think that's what kills me most, the people opposed to the president are doing a lot of talking, but nothing they've said has been productive (either to their own cause or the president's). Dick Cheney, you Dr. Strangelove-ian freak, you suck. so. much.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - I know DJ made the list several weeks ago, but he's back on. For all those that argued for Dwayne, I give you exhibit A:

'Nuff said.

The '00s: A Reflection

2010-01-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

Good evening Tyler,

I figure a decade-in-review post is appropriate, and better late than never right? The years 2000-2009 were big for me. I went from being a little kid, to an awkward pre-teen, to an awkward teen, and now I'm probably the coolest guy from the greater Nashville area (just play along). Let's break it down, yes? Yes.

On Pop Culture:
Since half the world started off 2000 hidden in bunkers filled with distilled water, pork'n'beans, and shotguns I'd say we set the tone for the '00s pretty well (and at least we're halfway prepared for 2012 now). Boy bands were still acceptable and Lance Bass was still straight. Metrosexual was a term that was legitimately used to describe men who wore atrocious clothing. Now we just call them tools and they wear Ed Hardy. And the Hipster! The Hipster didn't really exist in the early '00s. We still had the Emo kids back then and man you had better hope you weren't called an Emo or your days were numbered in certain social groups. I think Paste's "Evolution of the Hipster" pretty much sums up my thoughts (yes, I am 2004).

Remember when Britney Spears was in Austin Powers: Goldmember? Remember how she was America's darling? Too bad 2006 rolled around. You've really worked hard to hit rock bottom when Christina Aguilera looks like a wholesome woman when compared to you (sorry Brit). The other great Beatle died in 2001 (George), Paul was getting divorced when he was 64, and Ringo... Uh... Made a website? For some reason Ashton Kutcher became popular. He proved that you can be a complete douche bag to all your friends in Hollywood and still somehow get work. Did you see Butterfly Effect? Oh my god that was awful. American Idol became the biggest reality show in America and the most annoying for everyone who passed 9th grade algebra.

The '00s also brought about an internet revolution. The internet finally served a purpose other than chronic pornography browsing and forwarding forwarded emails that threatened to burn your house down if you didn't forward them. MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and the Fucking Weather were all created and literally changed the way our society communicated. MySpace taught pre-teens how to catch predators, YouTube pissed off the America's Funniest Home Video's execs, Facebook brought children closer to their parents whether they wanted that or not, Twitter killed Michael Jackson and Rush Limbaugh (but brought the latter back to life), and the Fucking Weather made meteorology finally tolerable. This about-face in the way we communicate will either be the beginning of the next step in our species' level of thinking or it will kill us with our own stupidity. Either way, I eagerly await to find out what happens.

And let us not forget about HIGH DEFINITION (or caps lock). What would our lives be like without HIGH DEFINITION? Probably a lot like 1998: tube TVs and VHS tapes (oh and Ross and Rachel would still be on a break). I'm not going to lie, I enjoy HD quality programming. Planet Earth was single-handedly the best thing to ever happen to television and my life. And despite the US Dollar's value getting smaller and smaller, the televisions just seemed to get bigger and bigger. As much as I love nature and getting back to the basics of life, I do enjoy watching Star Wars in HD on a 50 inch plasma-filled television with speakers that blow my pants right off (and thus inspire pantsless tweets).

I think my favorite pop culture moment of the '00s however, would have to be the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle. Kanye was well on his way to striking out. First he said that George Bush didn't care about black people (and almost gave Mike Meyers a heart attack). Then he got mad at everyone for calling him a gay fish. And then he stumbled up on stage, yanked the mic from innocent little Taylor Swift (p.s. why is she famous?) and rambled on about how Beyonce had the best music video. All the hilarity that ensued is why it was my favorite pop culture moment. People were actually upset that Kanye did that. Oh the tweets! The tweets said it all! "OMG I CANT BELEEV KANYE DID THAT TOO TAYLRO"... Now, I'm an old man trapped in a 21 year old body, so naturally I was watching Animal Planet and eating hard-boiled eggs when the tweets started streaming in. I think that actually helped put it all in perspective: Kanye West did what to who? And I care why? Oh that's right I don't, but that lion is about to eat that elephant and it's going to be fucking awesome.

So there you have it, my analysis of pop culture in the '00s.

---

Now on a more serious note. I have the feeling the year 2000 will be looked back upon as some kind of strange anomaly in history. It was the beginning of the new Millennium, but we were still so innocent. I'm of course talking about 9/11/2001. That day obviously changed the game completely for everyone. It's strange watching films that came out just after 9/11 because they are so delicate with violence (The Bourne Identity was almost shut down). Now we live in a world where "terrorist" conjures images of bearded men in turbans and we're not allowed to read books for the last hour of our flights. We started out this decade in complete turmoil and confusion and we ended it not much farther than where we started off. We're still fighting two wars, one that was set off on 9/11 and another that was based on lies (yeah I'm going to offend all my conservative readers right now). We watched the Almighty Dollar plummet into fire-starters and our concept of human rights become limited to American citizens only. Echos of Vietnam were seen and heard in the early years of the Iraq War, but lost with the lack of passion from those against the war.

It's interesting to see the progression through this decade. It's a rollercoaster of fear, anger, patriotism and morality. Everyone is always right or always wrong. We've had to question what price we're willing to pay for our own safety. Sure, Americans were relatively safe on their own turf while President Bush was in office, but what about everyone not on American soil? We don't hear about it in the news so it doesn't really happen? The photos from Abu Ghraib didn't lie. Those opposed to the war questioned the Constitutionality of torturing human beings, and now those opposed to health care reform for Americans raise the same concerns of Constitutionality. More than ever, we live in confusing times. We are being forced to question our own morality as a country, and redefining what exactly "civil" and "human" rights mean. All that being said, we are living in a very pivotal time in American history and I, for one, am happy to be a part of it.

Now, if you're still reading this... I have no idea why. Here's to a great 2010 and decade!

5 True Misconceptions

2010-01-08T16:54:00.000-08:00

Good evening Tyler,

As my departure to Ireland approaches, I'm trying to get myself back into travel mode. More specifically, I'm trying to get back into European mode (it's hairier and more naked). You've been to Europe so you know what I mean when I say that Europeans are very different from us Americans. One of the things I learned during my time in Europe is that their conception of America is disappointing. It's disappointing because it's almost 100% accurate. We're overweight, loud, incapable of hiding our horniness, and obscenely patriotic. The only problem is that we don't realize these facts until it's too late and we're piss drunk, yelling the star-spangled banner in a French bar.

So the following list has been structured as 5 misconceptions that are actually true.

5. All American males are Homer Simpson - I didn't realize this until I went to England and six year olds were coming up to me and asking me to do Homer impressions. My mother didn't allow us to watch the Simpsons as a kid so I was desperately confused why people thought Americans were like Homer. If you think about it though, they're right. And sure, there are Americans that are nothing like Homer, they're actually good people... But for the other 90% of us, we are Homer Simpson. We're lazy, constantly hungry, stupid and hate our jobs.

4. We think we're expert drinkers - But we most certainly are not. The thing about Europeans is they are professional alcoholics. I'm not afraid of saying that because I'm pretty sure every European I know would agree with that statement. A lot of American students don't start drinking until they get to college. As a consequence, American college kids learn that binge drinking is the best way to enjoy alcohol. And so when all the Americans cross the pond and hit the bars (or pubs) they think they're hot shit. This thought is quickly disproven when our freshly minted fraternity brother is singing Piano Man (even though Rocket Man is playing), hitting on every woman and then puking and passing out in the bathroom. All before 11 PM. Or our precious sorority sister is shouting at the top of her lungs to the guido next to her that she just broke up with her boyfriend and is just looking to have fun (I was going to try to make some sort of Natalie Holloway joke here... Too soon?).

3. We are all absurdly obese - Okay, well we're not all obese, and I'm sure Europe has their fair share of fatasses (at least ours don't go to the nude beaches). But let's face it, Americans have got to be the most sedimentary and large. We pack away 4 course meals like it's our job. Try buying a McDonald's hamburger in London and tell me you are just as stuffed as you would be if you bought one in Nashville. You can't do it! I know because I've tried! And it cost me double what it normally does! Yes, we are fat.

2. We have no knowledge of history - Other than American history, it's probably safe to say that the majority of Americans have no idea what has happened in the history of the world. Sure we've got basic concepts: Dinosaurs, Greeks, Jews, Jesus, Romans, France invents Champagne (and kissing), people in boats, and then THE PARTY STARTS WOOOOO GOD BLESS AMERICA. The only history we know is what we get out of our Frommer's when we're walking around castles in York. Then we typically forget why it was significant and make up some bullshit when we're showing pictures to everyone back home.

1. Americans are overbearingly patriotic - When my friend Michael came over to America for the first time, he was literally in shock that we said the Pledge of Allegiance every day. And if you think about it, that's seriously weird. We're pledging allegiance to a flag?! I mean, I love my country but there's a difference between passion and paranoia. "I pledge allegiance to the flag and will Cleveland Steamer every Communist bastard I meet." What's sad is we're so patriotic, but the majority of us have no idea how American government works. Haven't you watched Jay Leno's "Jay Walking" sketch before?! We get so offended if someone challenges our American principles but we can't even remember what our 5 basic rights are! Please read the following in a drunk sorority girl voice: "My FOUR-fathers didn't die so you could feed your poor people and cry about not having enough money! When Jesus, Albert Einstein, Harry Winston and Criss Angel signed the Declaration of Interdependence they did it because they knew assholes like you were gonna be mean!" I think Europeans always had this conception about Americans, but it was definitely cemented with the Bush Administration. Those were the most blindingly American years of my life.

So there you have it. The 5 completely accurate misconceptions of Americans. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.

Things that Suck!

2010-01-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon Tyler,

As you can tell, it's been a while since either of us has posted anything. I don't have an excuse, except that I am lazy. So I guess it's only appropriate that I make a "things that suck" list.

Clint and Tyler - I also think it's only appropriate that we are the first on the list of things that suck. To all our readers, I deeply apologize. I know you all have been anxiously waiting for Tyler or I to write something stupid/funny for several weeks now. And I'm just self-centered enough to actually think that's true.

Moldy bread - I don't how often this happens to you Tyler, but in the recent months I have purchased several loaves of bread and within a week they have gone bad! You have no idea how frustrating that is! I spent a pretty penny on this loaf of bread and all I get is maybe 3 sandwiches. AND IN THIS ECONOMY?!

The asian psychiatrist on Law and Order: SVU - It seems like B.D. Wong always plays the snide little man that always has a smart comeback. Jurassic Park? He played Henry Wu, the snarky dino-doc who argued with Ian Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) about the likelihood of dinosaurs reproducing on the island... If only we could've seen HIM get eaten off the toilet. And his character on SVU, Dr. George Huang, is like that kid in class that always knows EVERYTHING. He's always got the right answer, and all the other characters (and the audience) hate that he is right. George Huang you suck!

The American Dollar - As my flight to Dublin quickly approaches, I've been keeping an eye on the US Dollar to Euro exchange rate almost daily. And I gotta say, the Dollar sucks. I've known this for a while, the times I visited the UK and Europe in high school proved to be doubly expensive. And even though the rate from Euro to USD has actually gone down recently, it's still piss poor. The past two weeks it has danced around $1.43 to $1.44. This will simply not do. If this rate goes up anymore, you and Amber might be getting combined gifts... Sorry.

So there it is! Finally a new list of things that suck. I promise I'll never take that long to post again... Maybe.

Things That Do Not Suck: Late Twenties Edition

2009-12-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

Good morning, Clint.

It probably is a good morning for you...given the absolute destruction of my Echo Base Tauntauns at the hands of your Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. This just about says it all...

Very sad.

And yet, it is a new day, a new week, and yes, for me, a new year. Which got me thinking about things that have not sucked my entire life (prepare yourself for an overly sentimental post). So here is my top five things that did not suck as I was growing up. Note: things that formerly did not suck...may in fact suck now. Consider yourself warned.

5. Cartoons

I spent a lot of time watching cartoons. Like...a LOT of time. They have informed basically everything about what I think is funny, impossible, and socially acceptable all at the same time. And surprisingly I find that I learned a lot of stuff from cartoons. For instance, opera. I had never even heard opera until the famous "kill da wabbit" routine and the literal adaptation of the "Barber of Seville". Thanks, Bugs. Then there's the literary stuff. Chuck Jones, my cartooning hero, made a couple of really cool adaptations of books & short stories into cartoons. He was the one that did The Phantom Tollbooth and also Rudyard Kipling's Riki Tiki Tavi. Cartoons about books made me want to read the books...which I often did. I also need to give Disney props for making movies that got me into history and legend. The Sword in the Stone is by far my favorite Disney movie...and probably cartoon...of all time. The story of an awkward orphan who becomes a king because he was always destined to be. As a teenager...I loved it. I went out and bought The Once and Future King the minute that I found out that's what it was based on. It's still one of my favorite stories ever. Also...I am fairly certain I understand what irony is because of Wile E. Coyote. SIDE NOTE: Isn't it awesome how youtube has all this stuff?

4. Buffalo Wings

Do I really need to explain that? Wait for it...

...there. Now I'm hungry.

3. Reading Books

Especially good ones. Reading is something that I never really thought I enjoyed any more than the average person...until I got beaten up in the 5th grade for reading something that was not assigned for class in addition to my already present dorkdom and unpopularity(true story).

Lifestyle choice.

However sad and depressing that sounds, it gave me the realization that I did, in fact, like to read. I think it starts with the books themselves. I often find myself in bookstores just kind of wandering around. The smell is the best part...and then I like the feel of pages being flipped through my fingers. Of course, the stuff inside isn't so bad either. What's that? You want to know which books changed my life? Sure, I'd be happy to share that with you.

1. My Name is Asher Lev - Chaim Potok

2. All the Pretty Horses - Cormac McCarthy

3. The Sun Also Rises -Ernest Hemmingway

4. Dead Certainties -Simon Schama

5. Gun, With Occasional Music - Jonathan Lethem

6. Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger (I mean what teenager wasn't changed by that book?)

7. Hatchet - Gary Paulsen

8. Redwall - Brian Jacques

9. Hamlet -William Shakespeare

10. Inferno - Dante Alighieri

I guess the last two are technically a play and poem respectively, but still. Books. YESSSSSS.

2. History (sorry, Clint...had to)

History is amazing. The reason it is amazing is because it is the record of what people can do. Great and terrible. Heroic and villainous. That is earth-shattering to me. Every time I learn something new about the amazing or horrifying things that people do my mind is blown. Now, this is the only way that history works for me. I think that it's the way it should be presented as well. I'm not a fan of those Civil War guys that only know about the "westward flanking move" that "lost the battle of who-gives-rats'-ass". But the story of the freed slaves of the USCT that earned the respect of their white officers and fellow soldiers through sheer bravery and fortitude at the Battle of Nashville...that, my friend, is totally worth hearing! I think that's why things like "Band of Brothers", "Rome", and "The Tudors" have become so popular. It makes history very personal. I think that's important. The thing that makes us who we are is entirely made up of where we've been. This also directs our future, but doesn't predict it. I absolutely hate it when people say that history repeats itself. Ugh. I heard a Kurt Vonnegut quote the other day that I liked: "History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again." Because of the nature of people, we can never repeat the past...we change, society changes...we can do similar things...but the challenges that face us are different. To say that history repeats itself removes the special circumstances surrounding each event. It demeans the event to the point where it's only a date in a history book that can be referenced later for misuse in government policy (i.e. Vietnam on Iraq/Afghanistan)...but I digress...

1. PBS's Educational Programming

I'm fairly certain that PBS is responsible for the fact that I am not a complete moron. From the moment I began watching "Sesame Street" I was being bombarded with words, nouns, numbers, and everything that Preschool was supposed to teach me...but years before I got there. I learned about sweaters and break dancing (yes, break dancing) from Mr. Rogers. I just loved it. And as I got older I started watching things like "Bill Nye: The Science Guy" because science does, in fact, rule. So I guess that's the reason why I love that stuff so much...I mean it was TV that was smart and made you smarter. Why can't TV be like that anymore?

So that's that...enjoy this incredibly long and sentimental list of things that do not suck.

PS-Free buffalo wings on your birthday? That doesn't suck either.

Thing that Suck: After Hours Edition

2009-12-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon Tyler,

As you should be fully aware, it's Tuesday. I typically post my things that suck list on Mondays. Well that didn't happen yesterday because of one of my featured thing that sucks... So let's get to the list:

School - Sure, school is good and all that... but it's times like these that I think school just plain sucks. I'm not going to go into detail of all the shit I have to do because I know some wiseass out there will try to one-up me and then they'll make my things that suck list. Actually, let's just take care of that right now.

People who try to one-up me - 'Nuff said.

Bill O'Reilly - I love that when I have hit writer's block for this blog post, I just think of Fox Noise and immediately have someone to add to the list. Bill O'Reilly, you suck. I wouldn't care as much about you if you didn't always claim to be a journalist. You're not a journalist... You're the reason regular people hate journalists.

Blowing Out a Tire - I can testify that this indeed sucks. On my way back to Missouri last week, the tread on my back right tire completely shred off. Luckily this happened at an exit with a Walmart (Walmart is spared from my list because of this) so changing the tire wasn't too much of a hassle. However, I had to get both back tires changed which cost a pretty penny. Actually it cost a lot of pretty pennies. Several thousand in fact.

So that's my list for this week, sorry it's late... And sorry this list actually kind of sucks.

Things That Do Not Suck

2009-12-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

Good morning, Clint.

It is my great pleasure to announce my new feature "Things That Do Not Suck" in response to your feature, "Things That Suck". Let's dive right in!

Hank and John Green. Also known as the Vlogbrothers. Famous for their Brotherhood 2.0 vlog series where they decided that they would not communicate with any kind of text for an entire year. Which is kinda cool to watch. Even after they stopped the experiment, they continued to make videos with and for each other. My favorite, of course, involves Star Wars. They actually kind of inspired this whole "let's write a blog with each other thing". Hank writes a blog about environmental issues called Ecogeek and John writes young adult literature that Amber absolutely adores (it really is actually amazing and you should read it). If you are looking for something to read, I recommend "An Abundance of Katherines".

Go. There. Now. I have and do frequently spend most of my time reading the articles that they have posted. There are ones that are fairly normal sounding...like "6 Famous Unsolved Mysteries", but they also have really ridiculous ones like "5 Reasons You Secretly Want A Zombie Apocalypse". My favorites are obviously the historical lists like the most badass presidents in history. They also do Photoshop pictures that are hilarious. Like this...

/div>

Very entertaining. And last, but not least. The Titans.

The game on Sunday solidified an absurd streak that began immediately after Vince Young took over as quarterback. Coincidence? Perhaps. But more likely, the guys just play harder for him. At least I think so. I mean look at this game...the drive that you want to see (you know, the one that won the game) starts at 1:40 on the video. Unbelievable. How does a team with a record that bad play so well? They play for Vince. That's just it.

This concludes my things that do not suck list.

...one more thing that doesn't suck? You, Clint. You don't suck.

Things that Suck (Douche Bag Edition)

2009-11-30T09:16:00.000-08:00

Good morning Tyler,

So, I was driving back to Missouri on Saturday and was discussing with my fellow Tiger, Anna Beth, the douche bags that crashed Obama's state dinner last week. We decided that this week's thing that suck list should be a special douche bag edition. So here goes:

Michaele and Tareq Salahi - These are the douche bags that gate crashed the state dinner. I was amazed that these two douche bags had the gall to do this. Not only are they federal-law-breaking douche bags, but they are old-people-abusing-Facebook douche bags. The reason they did this is because they are potential cast members for a new reality show "Desperate Housewives of Washington"... I feel like after this little episode they should change the name to "Desperate Douche Bags" and just have the Salahis as their cast. The lengths that people will go to to be noticed is absolutely disturbing. Speaking of desperate ploys for attention, how about...

Richard and Mayumi Heene - The parents of the "balloon boy" and all around douche bags. They proved within the span of 36 hours that they are two of the biggest douche bags in America, and all on live television! When your child is puking on live television multiple times and giving away your secret desires for fame, you should probably throw in the towel. Just remember that when you have kids Tyler.

Rush Limbaugh - Do I really need to say anything?

Tyler Echols - Yes you Tyler. You know why? Cause I'm pushing out these Things that Suck lists every Monday and you have yet to post anything about Things that Don't Suck. I fear for our readers' well-being. If they're getting all these things that suck thrown at them all the time but never have any happiness to read about, what's that make us look like? I fear we're (mainly me) coming off as pessimistic assholes who don't find happiness in anything except our own sick, twisted words of disgust. So until I see some posts about things that don't suck, you Tyler Echols, will be on my things that DO suck list... No one is safe.

I Tried to Stop Myself...

2009-11-26T11:01:00.001-08:00

...but I just couldn't Clint. And for what you are about to receive, forgive me.

*cringes*We never gave Smallpox infected blankets to the indians. And certainly not at the first Thanksgiving (the one in Virginia) or even at the "first" Thanksgiving (the one in Massachusetts)....*cringes again*

The event you are referring to came later. Like a lot later. Like French and Indian War later. And the best news of all? It was the British that did it! After some quick research I even found the dude's name. Lord Jeffrey Amherst - AKA the commanding officer of the British forces in North America at the time. After the F&I War came an event known as Pontiac's Rebellion that involved a lot of dying by both colonists and indians. After the indians tried to take out Fort Pitt in Pennsylvania, the English were supremely pissed off and decided to do something about it...something unethical, horrible, and pretty much genocidal.

The offending party.

So here's the surprisingly helpful website I found that explains this stuff in full. And one gives us one more thing to be thankful about...we didn't do the Smallpox blanket thing. The Trail of Tears, though? Yeah, can't help you there.

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Turkey

2009-11-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

Good morning Tyler,

Happy Thanksgiving! Today, we celebrate my favorite holiday. That's right, I said it... Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Now I've had people tell me that Christmas is better because you get the same amount of food and whatnot PLUS presents. I, however, think that though Christmas is a wonderful holiday and tons of fun, the presents are too much of a distraction. Thanksgiving is about eating food, drinking wine, and watching American football. I mean. What holiday is better than that? The food just doesn't taste as good on Christmas cause there is so much else going on, but with Thanksgiving the main event is the food. As we both know, I love food, and my family is particularly good at eating food and drinking wine. My favorite part of the meal is dad's signature smoked lamb. It gets better every year.

And let us not forget the history behind Thanksgiving. When the people with the funny hats gave the tan people with the feathers a bunch of blankets and everyone was happy (and/or dead)! Truly a wonderful time in our American history and something we should always commemorate by eating exorbitant amounts of food.

Things that Suck

2009-11-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon Tyler,

As I sit on my couch in Nashville sick and feeling like death is only one more sneeze away, I can only think of one thing to talk about: THINGS THAT SUCK. Here's a well thought out and, I think, pretty damn good list.

The douchebags that sold the rights of Beatles songs to McDonalds and Target - I don't know who owned the rights to "Come Together" "All You Need Is Love" or "Hello Goodbye" when they were sold to McDonalds and Target but whoever made that decision should be drawn and quartered. The main beef I have is that they not only sold these beautiful pieces of music for advertisements; but they allowed the songs to then be rerecorded by generic sounding, cheap musicians who make the songs sound like the everyday 21st century pop music bullshit I try to escape as much as possible (usually by listening to the Beatles). The only commercial I have found featuring a Beatles song that I actually enjoy is a Nike commercial from 1987. It seems like Nike can do no wrong in the advertising department, and you know why? Cause they didn't have some cheap ass band cover the song. Here it is:

Broken zippers - I think this is a pretty standard thing that sucks. A broken zipper literally has no purpose whatsoever. It's incapable of performing the one job it has, and that's why a broken zipper sucks.

Parents who keep their kids on a leash - As much as I dislike children (they smell, they're loud, they punch you in the crotch), those parents that think a leash is the solution to their child's rambunctiousness are even worse. Are you so inept at taking care of your child that you must keep him/her/it on a leash? Like a dog? To all those leash babies out there, fear not you shall be free one day. Once we've solved world hunger and exiled Sarah Palin to the Arctic.

Joe the Plumber - Just to continue my attack on the idiots of America: Joe the Plumber, you suck. I don't think there was a more incompetent person involved in the McCain campaign than you. Wait, I take that back... Somehow I had forgotten about Palin. But seriously man! You started off great, you were very modest and private about what you thought and didn't want to be in the spotlight. Then you got cocky. Campaigning for McCain? I'm pretty sure his strategy for understanding politics was like the above picture. Sitting in a room by himself watching Fox News. Then after the election, you took a job as a "reporter" with a highly conservative online news magazine and accepted a MISSILE from an Israeli leader? Are you really so dense? Yes, and that's why you suck. To further my point, here's Jon Stewart's take:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Joe the Political Strategist

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

I'm going to "unfriend" the Oxford English Dictionary

2009-11-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

Good morning, Clint.

Just so you know, "unfriend" is the new word of the year for 2009. This means it's in the dictionary. Seriously.

I guess I have to give it to them for trying to keep up with modern speech. However, what the OED is doing is facilitating the death of the English language. I know, I know. I'm old and this isn't a new complaint. But let me explain the way I feel about this...

I think that the way people speak and the way that they write should be different. There are established rules for the way people write: verbs, nouns, adjectives, punctuation, grammar, etc. There are even words that are appropriate for speech and words that are appropriate for writing. I think that colloquialisms are great. I use them all the time when I'm speaking. However, I think there should be some more formal approach for writing. Even when we're joking around on this blog, we still write correctly and consider grammar seriously. But that's just me.

I guess it's really not that big of a deal. In ten years it will probably be irrelevant and my kids will wonder what "unfriend" means. Ah well...at least they didn't pick "sexting" (even though that was a finalist...no really, it was).

Last year it was "bailout" and the year before it was "subprime". I really do like the word for 2006. "Plutoed": demoted or devalued, as happened to the former planet Pluto. Hilarious.

Things that Suck

2009-11-16T09:16:00.000-08:00

Good morning Tyler,

It's that time of the week once again. Lemme tell you a few things that suck:

Sarah Palin - Okay, before I lose all my Republican readers, let's face the facts... Sarah Palin sucks. I mean, if you supported John McCain, you would probably agree that she sucks cause she single-handedly destroyed his campaign. And don't give me that "She fired up the Right Wing" crap. That worked for about a week and then she decided winking and putting "Joe" in front of everything was a good idea. Now she's released a book that doesn't express her political ideals, plans for the future, or any criticism of the current administration... No it's about how the people running the McCain campaign were mean to her. Sarah Palin sucks and I don't think I'll understand anyone that argues against me.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - Seriously, how did this guy end up with an acting career? He got his big break with the sequel to The Mummy as a giant CGI'd scorpion... Anyone that starts their film career like that should not still be making movies. I mean, let's just take a look at the illustrious career of Dwayne Johnson: The Mummy Returns, The Scorpion King, The Pacifier, DOOM, The Rundown... Should I go on, or did I already name one of your favorites? I didn't? Hm, shocking. Dwayne Johnson, you suck. Please stop showing up on my TV screen

Rainy days - I'm not sure what the weather is like back in Tennessee (I'm hoping nice cause I'll be back this Friday), but here in Dreary Old Eng-- Columbia, Missouri it's rainy. It seems like it's been a constant barrage of rain since October started. Sure we had a nice week and a half of sun, but once again the rain is back and it's not letting up. Now, I enjoy a rainy day from time to time, but when I have to walk around in the rain all day and when my job depends on clear weather I'm not as a big of a fan.

Roland Emmerich films - Yes, I include Independence Day on the suck list. I'm pretty sure Emmerich sits down before beginning a new film and looks at b-footage from news stations and asks himself, "What can I blow up in my next film?" I'll give him a break, he didn't blow up any historical landmarks in The Patriot, he just covered them in blood. And now his latest film, 2012 is out. I'll just wait until it's on cable TV every three hours for six months at a time... And even then I'll contemplate suicide.

shenanistan.

2009-11-13T07:55:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon, Clint. Sorry I've been absent as of late. I'm lazy.

I have been thinking a lot lately about Afghanistan. As I get older, I find it increasingly difficult to decide how I feel about certain political positions and situations worldwide. I think part of that is that I have access to literally any piece of information that I want...whenever I want it...which is something that I know that you have an opinion on, being a journalism dude (which is a conversation for a later date). The information that CNN, the New York Times, Washington Post, NPR, Fox News, Atlantic Monthly, and even the Daily Show and Colbert Report that comes into my world and I have to process my opinion on said issue. It's hard! However, as I am trying to be a responsible citizen, I feel like I need to do that. That said...I think I'm going to try and talk out my feelings on Afghanistan...or Shenanistan as I like to think of it.

This will be in parts so that I can organize my thoughts better:

1.) The whole idea that Afghanistan has never been conquered and therefore any attempt at fighting there is futile: That's just ridiculous. The problem is not that Afghanistan is some invincible force of geography and insurgency. In fact, part of the problem is that the country continually changed hands for centuries. Alexander the Great named one of the cities there after his horse, for Pete's sake! The Persians, the Turks and Mongols all made their own forays into the country...and let's not forget the multitude of tribes that are constantly destroying each other for the sheep grazing land (not really even a joke there...). Obviously, people remember the doomed expedition that the Soviets attempted and use that as their example. However, I would like to remind everyone, not that you needed reminding, the US

helped the Afghans out considerably... monetarily and materially speaking. So...it's not

impossible. Certainly not easy or even a good idea...I mean what was the line from "The Princess Bride"? "Mawage..." No, not that one..."Never get involved in a land war in Asia." Yeah, nobody

pays attention to that...moving on.

Also something about games involving a Sicilian and death...

2.) Should we even be there: While I am not really all that excited about deploying troops anywhere, Afghanistan has always made more sense to me than Iraq did. I think that the most clear and present danger to the United States is coming from Afghanistan and the area surrounding it (read: border with Pakistan). The enemy is there. That's what the intelligence tells us, that's what the evidence tells us. And even if we are missing them, the poppies being grown and sold from Afghanistan are a major source of revenue for the insurgencies that we are

trying to defeat. So...yeah. We need to be there.

3.) The Afghan government: What a mess. The corruption and distrust that the government of that country allows is ridiculous. It would be impossible to do anything constructive there as long as it continues. I heard Hamid Karzai on NPR the other day saying that blame for the

corruption should be shared with the west. Really? I mean, I'm sure there's an issue with that. But get your house in order, man. I'm not a world leader and I know it's not easy...however, it's one of those things that is keeping Afghanistan from doing anything. Literally anything. When the people don't trust their own government, you're begging for a revolution. Thomas Hobbes describes what's called the "social contract" in The Leviathan. In short, people have the rights to everything...which makes "war" man's natural state. We have to give up some rights to a

government in order to achieve peace. But if you do not trust a government, then you would not give up those rights. So why should the Afghans work with the government? They can't trust the government! That has to happen before any progress can...well...progress!

I think that I'd give up my rights to a giant with a sword...probably...

4.) The troop surge question: It is not an issue of whether or not we should have a troop surge. It is a question of strategy and what we are trying to accomplish in Afghanistan. And I think people need to keep that in mind when they hear that Gen. McChrystal wants more troops. He has been given orders to complete a mission in Afghanistan. As I understand that

mission, it is to halt the Taliban, pursue Al Qaeda until they no longer have a safe haven, and help to stabilize the government. The way that he sees as the best way to do that, is going to involve more troops. This is because he feels that making the citizens of Afghanistan feel safe, makes them want to fight against those that are destroying that peace. And when those guys are the Taliban, then suddenly you have Afghans fighting against the bad guys. Again, you have to trust the government first...and if the government can't protect you, then how can you trust them? But do we really need more troops to achieve this goal? I might have to agree with Gen. McChrystal. However, if we are talking about a different goal...or if we change our strategy then the troop surge may not be necessary. Which leads me to my next section...

5.) Obama's (In)decision: I'm not going to sit here and say that he has to go with his General. I'm also not going to sit here and say that he would be a fool to listen to the "war mongering" of his military leadership and conservative War Hawks (War of 1812 reference: check

.). All I'm saying is make a decision. It's been 3 months. 3 months. Wow.

Sun Tsu's The Art of War talks a lot about how being thoughtful and organized will lead to success in war. So I'm certainly not upset with the consideration that he is putting in. However, in the same work, Sun Tsu states "Thus, though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays." So I appreciate the time he is spending...but American soldiers are dying and the leadership is just waiting for orders.

Look at that beard...that beard conquered nations...

So...there you go. My first serious post.

Tadaaaa.

Things that Suck

2009-11-09T10:49:00.001-08:00

Good afternoon Tyler,

I'm glad we decided that this should be a weekly post, cause I've got one DOOZY of a post for you. Let's just cut to the chase yeah? Things that suck, list #2:

People that abuse social networking sites - Not to name any specific persons, but I have several in mind as I type this (Not you Austin). Let's just take a step back and look at what the Internet has become: a user-based, self-gratifying, orgy of pixels fashioned out to look like real life. The problem is that a lot of people don't realize that the Internet is not real life. Side note: do you have a problem with 'Internet' officially being a capitalized word, but 'real life' not? The people that abuse social networking sites don't see the line between reality and virtual reality. I'll admit, I will engage in political/social debates on Facebook and/or Twitter, but I typically try to avoid starting political/social debates. Everyone has an opinion and everyone's opinion can be easily misconstrued via text, and obviously inflection cannot be communicated properly. Sure, post articles, state your opinion there, that's more justifiable (Glenn that was me defending you), but the moment you say something completely irrational and unsupported you're asking for trouble. And that's why you suck.

24 hour broadcast news stations - Now, I'm not knocking local news reporters or all broadcast journalists... But I am knocking CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. By now, you should know my extreme hatred for everything Fox News, but that hatred is (almost) just as strong for CNN and MSNBC. I'll admit right now, I enjoy the liberal ramblings of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow (secret lesbian love of my life), but the other 22 hours of television that MSNBC provides is absolutely disgusting. Take the "balloon boy" scandal for instance. The MSNBC reporters were claiming that the family was "weird" because they believed in UFOs and utilized psychics. That's called libel. That reporter was also reporting the incident with a complete bias by saying that. It's unfair to that family (though they are complete assholes also) and it's bad journalism. And CNN? If there were ever a newsroom full of melodramatic megalomaniacs, CNN would be the definition. Holy shit they suck.

Those FreeCreditReport.com guys - I detest violence and hate guns more than CNN, but God help me, if I had a gun I would murder those three guys. It's not only that the songs are annoying and they are the ugliest human beings on the face of the planet, but it's that the commercials are so poorly edited. Because I can immediately tell the commercial was horribly edited, I hate them more (not the editor, he can live). They suck and I dare you to challenge me.

Biff Tannen - This time traveling bully will not give Marty McFly a break! Gah! He was a bully to Marty's dad, a bully to Marty, and even a bully to Marty's kids! What gives Tannen? Probably just bad genes. All I know is this guy should make like a tree and get outta here!

Things That Suck

2009-11-02T17:07:00.001-08:00

Hello Tyler,

I've been thinking about this for a few days (actually for about 3 minutes but it sounds better if I say a few days) so I think my opinion is completely well thought out. Now, I'm a very tolerant person and am pretty accepting of different cultures, ideologies, theologies, and Ryan Adams's constantly changing hairstyles. However, there are a few things I do not like. I'm pretty sure this list will hit home for a lot of folks, but I'm also pretty sure this list will piss off a lot of people. Here it is, my things-that-suck list:

Nickelback - I don't think I need to go into great detail on this one. I mean it's Nickelback. This band is the reason why frat brothers have never heard of bands like Pixies or Wilco, and I'm pretty sure they're the reason teen pregnancies in abstinence-only cultures have increased (I hear Sarah Palin loves Nickelback).

Seth MacFarlane - Now hear me out, I enjoy Family Guy and am actually watching it right now as I type this out. But Seth MacFarlane is a first class douchebag. Sure he has funny jokes and Stewie is hilarious, but his monopoly over the Fox network (which isn't saying much, I might add) is ridiculous. The only reason he is successful is because of the Simpsons and now I hear people saying that Family Guy is better than The Simpsons! This is simply absurd. And let's not forget how often MacFarlane rails on Fox for their shitty programming. SUNDAY NIGHT IS SETH MACFARLANE NIGHT. The douchebag has his own "almost live" sketch show now... You are your own pathetically cynical joke, sir.

Tea Partiers - Let's not pussyfoot around here: tea partiers are idiots. Now I don't mean everyone who believes in protesting the current administration, I mean the people who show up to these protests with signs like "Jesus is our king" and "Obama is a socialist fascist". Not only are their personal theological beliefs and political ideals desperately confused, they are inspired by Glenn Beck. Which leads me to my next thing that sucks...

Glenn Beck - This American disgrace was actually arguing on his CNN program a few years ago that the American health care system was in absolute shambles. But when he gets a program on Fox Noise, all of a sudden he is anti everything-except-white-rich-people. Tea partiers are eating up every word Glenn Beck says, and that is why they (and Glenn Beck) suck.

Snuggies - I'm starting to believe the government really does lace our tap water with something because snuggies are actually becoming accepted by the masses. Snuggie owner: DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE WEARING? You literally look like you are one cup of kool-aid away from being taken back up to the mothership. "But Clint, they're so... so... SNUGGLY!" My response to that is my recent conversation with a snuggie owner:
Snuggie owner, "But what am I supposed to do when I'm cold?"
Me, "Get a blanket!"
Snuggie owner, "But then if I want to get up I'll be cold!"
Me, "Boo - friggin - hoo. Grow a pair and get up like the entire history of mankind has done."
I just hope that our culture realizes how ridiculous snuggies are and I hope they realize it soon. Snuggies will undoubtedly be on VH1's "I love the '00s" and everyone will laugh at how stupid people in snuggies looked.

Thus concludes my first series of things that suck. I hope you enjoyed/were offended.

Steampunk!? What the hell is that!?

2009-10-30T23:29:00.001-07:00

Happy Halloween, Clint.

Steampunk. I mean, honestly, I have no time for more social groups/genres! It was hard enough in high school to get all this stuff straight. Goth, emo, jock, prep, nerd, punk, stoner, mallrat, etc. All groups/genres I am familiar with. I understand that when you describe someone as "preppy" there will most likely be J. Crew involved (no problems with J. Crew though...corporate sponsor? no? okay, moving on...). However, at some point, these groups began to change. There was the emergence of the "nerdcore" movement. I still have no idea what that means, but I imagine that it looks something like the members of the band Harry and the Potters...or Napoleon Dynamite. Really, I guess I should have known that there would be newer and weirder groups to arise. Like the mythical hydra...remove one head, two spring up in its place.

I don't know what's more scary, the hydra or the tiny piece of cloth that stands between us and Hercules' "labors".

However, "steampunk" fascinates me. Firstly, because I hadn't heard of it until tonight, and secondly, because people are so into it. But what is "steampunk"? Like all children whose parents wanted them to be literate and therefore actually told them what a dictionary is and how to use it, I looked it up...on urbandictionary.com.

" 1. Steampunk is a subgenre of speculative fiction, usually set in an anachronistic Victorian or quasi-Victorian alternate history setting. It could be described by the slogan "What the past would look like if the future had happened sooner." It includes fiction with science fiction, fantasy or horror themes.

Medieval Steampunk: Speculative fiction set during the Middle Ages.
Victorian Steampunk: A modern Science Fiction work (post-1930s) that is set in the early parts of the industrial revolution.

Western Steampunk: Science fiction set in the American Old West.
Industrial/Modern Steampunk: Science fiction taking place in the late industrial age, early modern age; i.e. World War 1, World War 2

2. A lifestyle choice, wherein the participants embrace deliberate anachronism and quasi-anachronism as seen in steampunk fiction. Often characterized by modifying one's electronic gadgets to make them look a century out-of-date."

Thank you, urbandictionary.com. The idea is almost awesome. Why, yes, I do like to imagine that I'm a space cowboy...or even just living in an 19th century England that knew leaches were not good for you when you're sick. However, it gets a little more interesting when you read that second definition: "A lifestyle choice...embrace deliberate anachronism...make [gadgets] look a century out-of-date." ...WHAT!? I should say that the note after this definition said that there was a clear separation from "steampunk" and reenactors...mostly because reenactors have jobs. I'm kidding...reenactors don't have jobs. (haHA!)

Now, I'm really not sure that I'm against this (again, space cowboy). I mean, who doesn't love Firefly? Obviously you couldn't do this all the time, but I guess it's kinda like LARPing with a gun that is made out of clock parts. And honestly? It looks kinda cool...I mean, I totally would have been friends with these kids in high school (and probably now too...let's just get real with ourselves here). The thing that really gets me interested in this whole thing is the steampunk Star Wars movement. I mean, c'mon, you know how I feel about Star Wars.

I'm getting this tattooed on my back as we speak.

So I guess I should say that I'm sold. I mean, I'm not going to be donning a top hat and monocle, whilst hunting evil robots anytime soon. Let's look at what a nerdy young person could be doing: D&D? LARPing? World of Warcraft? All very much on the fringe...all kinda frowned upon by regular society. However, of all the things that are weird and out there...this one speaks to me. I mean...if I can mix Blade Runner and Rio Bravo how is that not awesome!? Yeah I can't think of any way either! So let's give the steampunks a chance...

PS - If you want more star wars steampunk stuff...look at Marcel E. Mercado's blog...That's where I got the cool Luke print.

All Hallow's (paganevilsatanisticbloody) Eve

2009-10-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hello Tyler,

I'm not sure what the weather is like in Tennessee, but here in God's Country it's been abysmal (endlessly rainy). I suppose it's only good preparation for my semester in Dublin. I find the weather, as well as the approaching (evil and satanic) holiday fitting to the subject of my post however. I have become obsessed with scary movies.

As you know, my home in Tennessee is literally in the middle of the woods and looks like the setting for every single horror film ever made. Distant neighbors, dilapidated shacks, blood sucking vampires, it's got everything! So for the past 21 years of my life, I've never even come close to watching scary movies. The only "scary" movie I watched when I was a kid was Scream and that was because it was playing at a friend's house (in childhood, that's a scary movie). It wasn't until last Halloween that I actually began to embrace scary movies. I watched The Shining and fell in love. Not only did that film cement my love affair with Stanley Kubrick films, but it also put the thought in my head that maybe this whole scary movie thing ain't such a bad gig.

The other major contributor to my new obsession is my Folklore in Film class. That's right, I'm in a class that talks about urban legends and then we watch movies about zombies, ghosts and birthing the child of Satan (Rosemary's Baby). So this evening, I rented the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the remake of The Hills Have Eyes (having watched the original two nights ago). As of right now, my obsession with scary films is going strong, however, I'm thinking the true test of my fascination will be over Thanksgiving break when I return home and have to walk from my car to the front door in the middle of the night.

On another note, what are you doing for Halloween? I'm not sure yet, but I'm sure it will be something debaucherous and condemned in the eyes of Pat Robertson. Hey! Maybe I should be Pat Robertson? No... Too scary.

No Pants Tweets, Harrison Ford, and Nathan Fillion

2009-10-27T19:33:00.001-07:00

Good evening, Clint.

I thought I would start with something for you, since the rest of this post will probably not really interest you at all. What, pray tell, is a "no pants tweet"? Is it just a tweet that was made in which you have no pants on? Can you be wearing shorts and make a "npt"? Can you call it a "npt"? I have questions. Well if it is, in fact, just a tweet in which you are sans pantalons...then this is a no pants blog post (npbp). You're welcome.

Can you imagine what it must be like to be Harrison Ford? You have played the President of the United States that kicks terrorists' asses, an adventure seeking archaeologist who has discovered the two greatest Judea-Christian artifacts that (may or may not have) ever existed, and, of course, a fortune-seeking smuggler with a heart of gold that was instrumental in toppling an evil and tyrannical empire (TWICE!). You're a bad ass. Bad. Ass.

BADDEST. ASS.

Finally, Nathan Fillion. Nathan Fillion is the best thing that has ever come out of Canada. EVER. I'm serious. I have now watched him in two different shows (Firefly and Castle) and also Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and the dude is just incredible. Anyway...enough gushing. Go watch the shows.

Like I said...funny.

I should probably say that I was originally going to talk about Joss Whedon...but I found this instead. I think that it probably sums up what watching Whedon shows is really like. Yeesh.

I think that this should probably do something to find out what kind of people read the blog...NERDFIGHTERS!

...huh?

...anybody?

...no?

Good talk.

A Tie? What are we European?

2009-10-26T21:26:00.001-07:00

Good evening Tyler,

I promise my next post will not pertain to sports, but this one most certainly does. From the look of your team's performance, you are probably not in the best of moods to talk about fantasy football (Jeff killed you). I don't know if you've checked the league scoreboard, but my game against my good friend Stephen (known in our fantasy league as STL Rolodexes) has come to a bit of a stalemate.

As you can see from the screen capture above... It's a dead tie. I was trailing by a solid 30 points this morning, but after tonight's Philadelphia/Washington game, we're at a standstill. Let's just say, both of us are less than pleased. I need this win to take a commanding lead in first place (with the win I will be 5-2). Steve needs the win because well... His team sucks (sorry man). Call me ignorant or call me Donovan McNabb, but can you actually tie in fantasy football? To me, it just seems counterproductive to the whole idea of winning. I understand it in soccer and cherish that sport, but in American football? We play for keeps. I suppose the predictions box was actually true this time:

Just for my own sake, I'm going to rub it in Steve's face that he could have easily won this game:

As you can see, Steve should have played Vernon Davis instead of Tony Gonzalez. If he had done that he would have destroyed my team yesterday! Shame Steve... Real shame.

I'm hoping that this situation will right itself tomorrow morning when final points are decided, but if this game turns out to be a tie, I am going to be thoroughly pissed.

A Titanic Season Boys!

2009-10-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

Good morning Tyler,

I haven't been up this early on a Friday in quite some time. As I sit in a lovely little cafe and enjoy my breakfast burrito and coffee (don't judge me), I can only think of one thing to blog about: where the hell did the Tennessee Titans go and who is wearing their uniforms on Sundays now? I mean seriously! 0-6? ZERO AND SIX?

Of course I guess it's only fair, this time last year we were 6-0 and were wondering, "Where the hell did the Tennessee Titans go and who is wearing their uniforms on Sundays now". But this time it just sucks. I wasn't terribly upset with the loss to the Steelers because technically we should have won and the overtime system in the NFL is a load of bullshit. Week 2, however, left me in complete shock. The Texans?! Is this a cruel joke? I was able to bounce back from that game because we do have the eventual slip up against them. I wasn't confident about the Jets game because I think Mark Sanchez is going to be a legendary quarterback and he's already proving me right. Then we had the Jaguars... I mean come on! It's the freaking Jacksonville Jaguars! They've dominated us like the jaguar population has dominated the greater Jacksonville metropolitan area! After that game, I am not ashamed to admit that my Titans jersey was stowed away in my under-the-bed-stow-away-device (I really wanted to say "stow away"). After 4 weeks of nothing but abysmal football playing, I honestly expected nothing from weeks 5 and 6 (Colts and Pats). And that's literally what I got from the Pats game... Nothing. Zero points scored.

At least for the first 5 weeks I was able to lightly push it off because the Chiefs still didn't have a win, but even they won! Now I can't even relate to my Chiefs friends, and I most certainly shall not associate with Rams fans. I refuse to drink that kool-aid. What surprises me even more is that the Washington Redskins head coach, Jim Zorn, is under more pressure from his general manager than any of our coaching staff for losing 4 games. At least you've won a couple games! Count your blessings Vinny Cerrato... COUNT THEM.

And so I go about my days here in Missouri, shyly admitting that I am a Titans fan. Last year? I was a proud Titans fan who could shove off any Rams fan's joke about the 34th Superbowl, but look at me now. Awake before noon and blogging in a cafe about the woes of being a sports fan from Nashville. The world is a cruel, cruel lover Tyler. And if there is one thing I want you to remember me saying, it is definitely that last sentence.

LenDale White, apparently in confusion, ran out onto the field yelling for the ball to be thrown to him. White showed up in full gear on a Thursday morning at the Indianapolis Colts's football stadium... This Sunday's game is in Nashville

STOLE YO COOKIES!!!

2009-10-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Clint.

So...I was in the teacher workroom a moment ago. Often they have food out to be eaten by the teachers. This is usually a gift from a parent or one of the other teachers. Now as I look at this plate of cookies, I am confronted with a dilemma: How many do I take?

This is something that has always bothered me. The food is, most of the time, delicious. And I guess it should be noted that I usually have several cups of coffee for breakfast every morning. So come 3rd period (my planning period), I am starving! This is not just something limited to workroom cookies, though. This extends to basically anytime that someone offers you something.

For example, a paraphrased conversation between Amber and I at a wedding...

"That was really good..."

"Yeah, I know...I've never had that kind of BBQ before..."

"Really? Wow..."

"Yeah"

"..."

"...do you think we can get seconds?"

Do you see the problem? Something that is laid out for you, but the collective you...not just you personally. You're expected to take something from that plate or that bowl or whatever...it's almost an insult if you do not! I mean how would that parent/teacher feel if the cookies were all still there at the end of the day? But the issue is the line betwixt the grateful and the gluttonous (kinda like "the fast and the furious"...did you see what I did there? I know, I'm awesome). I don't want to be the guy that turns into Cookie Monster anytime anyone puts food out in the work room.

...that's good enough for me.

So, what's the rule on this? I'm going to call Raina this evening...but until then, I asked my 8th graders. Some choice quotes:

"Why does it matter...nobody knows who took the cookies..."

"Well why would you care about being polite..."

"Just leave one...why are you looking at me like that?"

...yeah.

So anyway, I just took two.

So yeah...I took two.

A Conversation at the Pearly Gates

2009-10-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon Tyler,

Since we are facebook friends, you probably see my (almost) daily video posts. Typically, I peruse the internets searching for great live performances by either musicians I've been listening to or musicians I believe everyone needs to hear. Today, I posted a live performance by Bob Dylan. Yes, a classic live rendition by ol' Jack Frost of his timeless Like a Rolling Stone, performed in front of an angry mob booing him the whole way through. Watching the video got me thinking: would I have booed Dylan? Would I have been the one casting the stone? Would I have denied my Dylan three times before the rooster crowed? It's easy to look back on history and say, "No, I would never have booed Dylan. He was redefining our world!" But what about those people who did boo him and never got the chance to look back? Thus, I've imagined a conversation with Saint Peter and this unfortunate individual at the Pearly Gates.

ST PETER: Name?
UNFORTUNATE INDIVIDUAL: Um, Johnson. Marvin Johnson.
ST PETER: Alright Marvin, looks like you died of a MASSIVE coronary... Shoulda laid off that red meat my friend, but you probably didn't know about that. Yeah, that's still like two decades away.
MARVIN JOHNSON: So... Can I go in?
ST PETER: Well, first I have to go through some routine questions. Standard procedure really. So... love Jesus?
MARVIN JOHNSON: Yessir.
ST PETER: Went to church on Sundays and Wednesday nights?
MARVIN JOHNSON: Yessir.
ST PETER: Good, good. Reported any suspicious, Communist activity in your community?
MARVIN JOHNSON: No sir, I'm a Socialist.
ST PETER: Oh good! So is everyone else up here. Let's see... Oh yeah, did you read the Bible everyday?
MARVIN JOHNSON: Yessir, every mornin'.
ST PETER: Well Marvin, it looks like you passed with flying colors and you can head right in. Oh and don't freak out when you don't see "White" and "Colored" bathrooms... That's actually normal.
[Marvin starts walking towards the opening Pearly Gates]
ST PETER: Oh one last thing! Did you boo Dylan?
[Silence]
ST PETER: Exit is to your left and way. way. down. Get the heaven out.

WTWTA, Hipsters, and Twentysomethings...

2009-10-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Clint.

So...let's begin with WTWTA. Firstly, I remember reading the book...but it was so damn long ago that there's no way I can remember the whole story. I remember liking the story and enjoying the pictures the most(what? don't give me that look...). But honestly, I don't really know how I feel about making classic books into movies...it's complicated. Either way, I think that I share you general "meh" about the film. But it does at the very least look cool...maybe too cool...more on that later. And yet your feelings on this movie seem to have nothing to do with this movie...and everything to do with the way it is being promoted and who it is being received best by. So let's look at that...

Just FYI...I'm about to ruin your day.

Yes, that's right. It's a "Max suit"...that costs $610. But don't worry, there's an entire line...I linked it above. ::heavy sigh:: My issues with this movie as it comes out are not so much related to my lack of attachment to the book or our mutual feeling of disgust toward hipsters...but a much broader feeling on the entertainment of twentysomethings.

Now, if you were to look at the popular movies with people our age recently, it's all about the stuff we liked as kids. Transformers. GI Joe. Hell, the Star Wars remakes! I'm just as guilty as all the other folks my age. I mean I heard a rumor that John Woo was going to direct a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and had to change my pants I was so excited. (I mean how would that be lame. Not. Possible.) I guess I understand it. We always get excited when something we loved in childhood or adolescence is going to be remade because you always wonder what it would be like if, say, Red Dawn (which is being remade, by the way) was made now. People will always go to those movies because they feel like they KNOW them. They think it will be a safe bet with their $15 movie ticket. And movie studios will always make them because they know it's a sure thing with moviegoers. I mean, Wes Anderson (Grand Vizier to the Hipster King, himself) is making a movie of Roald Dahl's The Fantastic Mr. Fox. I guess that I think the issue stems from the fact that people aren't willing to go out and see a "new" movie. There's no way to know if it's going to be good. I mean how else do you explain the online movie buzz community? You almost have to ruin the plot of a movie just to get people to be convinced that it's worth seeing! They have even started showing parts of the damn movies to sell them. That is almost 6 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE!!! Granted it's 2012, but I mean WOW.

As far as WTWTA is concerned, it's the same issue. I'm sure that Spike Jonze has always loved the book. Which he should. It's a great book. And he is a filmmaker...so yeah man. Make that movie. And I hope lots of people go, because entertainment is the whole effing point. But I would encourage him to do something new.

Miscellaneous notes:

-Aimee's point is so good that I need to quote it...

"Watch out Clint, the only thing more hipster (aka "WHITE") than going and supporting a hipster-based film, Is refusing to based on moral principals."

Touche ma'am. Touche.

-David Bowie is the Hipster King...obvi.

Where the Hipster Things Are

2009-10-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

Good evening Tyler,

With the premiere of the new Spike Jonze film Where the Wild Things Are just hours away, I feel it only appropriate to express my feelings for the film. I don't care.

I never read the book as a child (gasps! oh the horror!) and don't really intend to read it now... Not that I'm better than it, but it's just... Not on my list. Since I never read the book, my desire to see the film is nowhere near as strong as the 20-somethings who did, and are now orgasming via twitter after every commercial.

Now, I am a film buff. I do love quality films, and this one does look like it was very well made. The problem I have with it? Hipsters. Now I may be a liberal, Barack-Obama-voting bastard, but one thing I do not like... is hipsters. I can tolerate them and I am friends with several, but holy shit, if this film gets any more hipster I'm going to start listening to Toby Keith just to even the playing field! Here's my reasoning:

-Every trailer has hipster music playing in the background (Arcade Fire, Karen O)
-The soundtrack? HIPSTERS!
-The plot? A child who can't connect with his parents explores the inner-depths of his mind and makes up funny/cute/cuddly/lovable monsters who are reflections of his own personality. Holy hipster Batman.
-The movie is just layered with hipsterness... And I won't stand for it!

Now, don't get me wrong, "hipster" is not always a bad term. Like I said, I am friends with hipsters and love them. But when you have 5 or more hipsters in one room, it's bad news bears. There are too many hipsters around if there are discussions of:
-Anything involving Nick Cave, Elliot Smith, or Built to Spill
-A "vintage tee" someone is wearing
-What kind of clove cigarettes one prefers
-Where the party host "keeps their vinyl"
-If the bar serves Pabst Blue Ribbon

The list goes on, but those are the most obvious and dangerous signs of hipsters afoot. So I caution you, oh WTWTA enthusiast to tread lightly as you view the film. Watch out for the hipsters who will undoubtedly flood every theater (or "cinema" as they may call them). If you are surrounded by 4 or more hipsters, make sure you keep your talk of firearms, ESPN and red meat to a dull roar... You don't want to anger the feeble-armed mob.

Photograph provided by Hipster or Gay.

Spellingista!

2009-10-12T05:12:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Clint.

You can always tell when I'm at work because I use correct capitalization and punctuation. Which brings me to this morning's thought.

During the course of creating the blog yesterday, I spell "mustachioed" several different ways before I discovered the correct spelling. I always thought that it was spelled "moustachioed" but that apparently would only be the case if Mickey had a mustache a la Snidely Whiplash.

...which would be awesome.

I bring this up, because I'm always upset to discover words that I can't spell. You see, I kind of pride myself on spelling very well. I can almost always spell a word just by hearing it and sound out a word that I see. Take your last name, for instance. It's very easy to both spell and sound out. Yet people can't seem to do it for the life of them. I actually impressed your sister when I first met her (that was, by the way, the last time that happened) by pronouncing your family name correctly. My kids (and let me just clear this up now that when I say kids, I mean students) are impressed by this as well. Ah the glories of whiteboard fame...anyway, I was just pondering my spelling skillz. Yes, I meant to do that.

SIDE TRACK! - Oo! Can we have a standing rule that any time one of us uses skills we have to spell it with a z? I mean, think about it...

Last thought for the morning before I stop procrastinating and go do some actual work...the new Avett Brothers album is very pleasant. I can't say I think they're an incredible band...because I don't think that. However, I do think it's a fun band. And Rick Rubin produced this record, which really only means he granted his beard magic to hip, formerly indie banjo music. So check it out...if you feel like it. <----Most passive recommendation EVER.

We need a sign off...

The -ista Debate Rages On

2009-10-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

Good evening Tyler,

It's interesting you should bring this up because I am a recovering "-ista" myself. Yes, I was once a slave to the man and his coffee addiction: I am a recovering Barista. This technically makes me an expert of the "bar", and I rocked. that. coffee. bar. Personally, I have no problem with the "-ista" suffix. I think it clarifies just how well-versed a person is in there specific field. Examples:

Person1: Just how good is this pilot?
Person2: Oh he's the best, he's an airplaneista.
Person1: Hm, I'll trust him with my life.

Person3: Now how good is the president at this whole running the country thing?
Person4: Oh he's the best, he's a presidentista.
Person3: Shame we didn't have one for the past 8 years...

See? It's a beautiful grammatical system that makes it clear to every man, woman and child just how qualified someone is to their title.

zombista...zombie-ista?

2009-10-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

hey.
good afternoon, clint.
i hope you're having a pleasant sunday. especially considering i'm getting wailed on in fantasy football. anyway, i'd like to welcome you to tom selleck's moustache... as gross as that sounds. so here's my thought for the day.

so, i have been annoyed recently with the adding on of "-ista" to the end of everything (i.e. fashionista, footwearista, anythingtodowithlifetime-ista...etc.).

now, using my keen abilities of observation (and trust me, they are keen...), i have found that this means that you are someone who is into/obsessed with whatever comes before the "-ista". what is this magical suffix? when did i miss this magical grammatical rule?

there are a couple of things that bother me about this new colloquialism. mostly that it exists. but if it must exist then why does it not include ALL interests. it would seem that all "istas" are women concerned with their particular demographics. why not us? think of the possibilities!

a journalista.

a chucknorrista.

i mean...just think about it.